A tad confused with this one girl I'm seeing

[jonsie150]

I hope its not too selfish of me to post this here. But I've been thinking about my situation with this one girl, and I thought I'd asked for opinions. Here's how it has gone so far:

pro: our dates have gone great. we drank, we danced, we bantered. we found out we like all the same movies/music/authors. after each date (we've gone on 4), she texted me immediately to say she had a wonderful time.

con: she's a phD candidate. meaning she's swamped with work. it's a little hard to set up dates . it'll be two weeks since i last saw her cause she's going to her brother's commencement ceremony this weekend. though her reasons are perfectly legitimate, there's also the natural tendency to think, "is it being used as an excuse?"

pro: without me asking about it, she came out and said she was sorry for being elusive, and that she hoped I didn't think she was trying to brush me off. she added that she enjoyed going out with me

con: she rarely initiates contact (ie. i'm always the one who texts/emails/calls [which is only once every 3-4 days]).

pro: she invited me over to dinner one night. i kissed her afterwards. and right before i left, she grabbed me and kissed me again.

con: she's going to be gone for three months this summer to do field work in Africa

pro: there's a big comfort level between us. she's told me a lot of private things (ie. family, worries about her work, etc) and our sense of humor allows us to talk about things like cannibalism and masturbation (long story)

So, it's a hot-and-cold kind of situation; hot when we're together, cold when we're not. I'm NOT the type of guy who needs to see the girl every single day, and trade phone calls every hour. So I can understand it if she needs time to do her own things. But so far it's been difficult to gauge her interest in me.

I figure that I just have no concept of how busy she is. I mean, I keep myself busy. Lots of people keep busy. Yeah. But it's a different type of "busy" when you're working for your phD at one of the nation's top schools.

Considering our chemistry together, it's definitely not something I want to bail out on. But I wish the signals were a little clearer from her end. Thoughts? Opinions?

PS- cI know this isn't the best site to go to for dating advice. but it's really the only board i visit, so i thought i'd throw it out there

 

[HughJass]

[youtube:3b3ldodv]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8g3tQaqizh0[/youtube:3b3ldodv]

 

[HughJass]

PS- cI know this isn't the best site to go to for dating advice

then you mustn't have read CCS's posts :whistle:

 

[Ian Curtis]

If you dont nail her, your gonna be friends so hard.

 

[CCS]

You should not be so specific about where she is going this summer, since it could give away your identity to her. If she will do this often, you need to decide if you will be happy in a relationship like that, or if you are willing to move with her.

As for seeing her every 2 weeks because she is a PhD student, I would think that eventually you should try visiting her near her office or apartment for 1 hour breaks. Obviously she does not have time for a 6 hour date or a sleep over. But maybe a hug or make out session. Everyone takes short breaks. If you do the driving, I don't see why she would be bothered by you being there, unless she is seeing you mainly for other reasons.

If one partner looks better than the other, they will want to get physical at different frequencies, and have different expectations for the relationship. When deciding whether to see her more often, you need to ask yourself if you will be happy if it stays like this, or if you want more or nothing.

People usually put their best foot forwards in the beginning.

Another question for you is whether you want to avoid dating while she is gone. I had this exact situation before, with a woman who claimed medical problems as the reason she could not see me often. And she went home to another state for the summer. I bought a plane ticket to go see her, and she told me to cancel it. Turned out she was seeing 4 other guys who did not know about each other. She preferred to talk via instant message and text message, so we would not know about each other. Hard to get her on the phone for long.

 

[Bekim]

maybes she haves the warble flys maggot in brain


Bekim

 

[Fender89]

I think Bekim is right on this one

 

[jonsie150]

You should not be so specific about where she is going this summer, since it could give away your identity to her.

Africa is a pretty big place hahah. But yeah, thanks for sharing your opinion. I can see where you're going with it.

maybes she haves the warble flys maggot in brain Bekim

So...would a canister of Raid get rid of these fly maggots?

 

[DoctorHouse]

CCS, I thought you said to start out as friends first?......................... :whistle:
Jonsie, the best advice I can give you is be direct with her. Tell her you want to know where you stand in the relationship. Its best to have open communication at all times. Don't be a mind reader. Ask her if she thinks your current relationship could move on to a more serious one or does she want to maintain a friendship with you only and see other people. She is going to Africa so does that mean you will continue the relationship "long distance" or is she free to date other people in Africa and fall in love with one of the natives there. You both need to come up with where the relationship is going otherwise you might be wasting your time with her and need to move on. If she is willing to keep the relationship strictly between you and her than its time you found that out now. I failed in a relationship similar to yours because she and I were poor communicators. I tried to read her mind and I think I was very poorly skilled doing it. Today, I would have done it differently but its too late now for her. Don't make the same mistake I did and open the communication up so you know where you stand with her.

 

[jonsie150]

CCS, I thought you said to start out as friends first?......................... :whistle:
Jonsie, the best advice I can give you is be direct with her. Tell her you want to know where you stand in the relationship. Its best to have open communication at all times. Don't be a mind reader. Ask her if she thinks your current relationship could move on to a more serious one or does she want to maintain a friendship with you only and see other people. She is going to Africa so does that mean you will continue the relationship "long distance" or is she free to date other people in Africa and fall in love with one of the natives there. You both need to come up with where the relationship is going otherwise you might be wasting your time with her and need to move on. If she is willing to keep the relationship strictly between you and her than its time you found that out now. I failed in a relationship similar to yours because she and I were poor communicators. I tried to read her mind and I think I was very poorly skilled doing it. Today, I would have done it differently but its too late now for her. Don't make the same mistake I did and open the communication up so you know where you stand with her.

Yeah. It's a definite bet that, before she leaves, I'm going to come out and ask if:

1. she feels the same way about me
2. she thinks we could ever be exclusive

But the talk about communication brings up an interesting question: what if she IS communicating the right way, and I'm just being too paranoid/distrusting to take her word at face value. Like, when she says she had an amazing date, she means it. And when she says she's not trying to brush me off, she means that as well? So I don't want to come off as an insecure prick and keep asking "do you like me?" She seems like a very (and I mean veeery) secure and independent person, so I wouldn't be surprised if she's the type who doesn't do the constant phone calls and "Hi, how's your day" texts. Either way, we'll have the talk before she ships out. Thanks for sharing your view.

 

[dougfunny]

she invited me over to dinner one night. i kissed her afterwards. and right before i left, she grabbed me and kissed me again.

and that did not lead to sex.. why?

that she invited you over to dinner at her place and not at a restaurant should already make it pretty obvious that she's seriously likes you. it's a much more intimate setting.

that she let you kiss her makes it 100% certain she is into you.

that she would grab and kiss you means I WANT YOU.


did you keep after her after she kissed you? girls expect that you are going to try to get them into bed. if you didn't do that you probably sent a very mixed message. even if she was not ready to sleep with you i think she would expect you to try.