Family problems - questions

[Harie]

My dad has a degenerative lung disease that has left him on minimum of 6 liters of oxygen at all times. He is physically unable to walk more than 20 - 30 yards without nearly passing out from lack of oxygen in his blood...And that's when he cranks his oxygen tanks up to 15+ liters. He is still able to perform basic daily tasks such as taking a shower, dressing himself, eating and driving - so it's not like he is 100% disabled. It does, however, mean he is not able to go to the grocery store or take himself to his doctors appointments (we have to push him in a wheelchair for his dr's appts and we go to the store for him).

The problem comes about because he lives in TX and my brother and sisters all live in CO. That doesn't sound like a bad thing, except for the fact that his medical insurance is only good in CO. This means that he has to drive back here anytime he needs medical treatment, which is quite often. In the last 7 months, he has been in CO for 5 and 1/2 of them going to doctors appointments after appointments after appointments.

It may not sound terrible yet, but the thing is that he refuses to stay at a hotel. He feels like he is entitled to stay at one of his childrens houses while he is here for months on end. Anyway - getting to the point - both sisters have said that he is no longer welcome at their houses because he refuses to clean up after himself. Seriously, he is a slob. It's like living with a 6 year old kid when he stays at someone's house. He eats all of their food, turns up their heater to blast furnace temps (he hates it if the house is colder than 79 degrees), sets them up with cable that he says he'll pay for, but changes his mind after a few months, and generally becomes a helpless baby. Just the other day, he wanted me to come over and put eye-drops in his eyes...When I asked why he couldn't do it himself, he blamed it on his lungs - which was 100% BS. Basically, anything he doesn't want to do, he blames on his lungs and guilt trips others into doing for him.

Now that it's been pretty much 5 months of him continually living here (He has gone back to TX for 4 weeks in the last 5.5 months), one sister has said no more and the other is asking him to leave her house by next weekend (He's been staying with her since the beginning of Jan). Because of this, he turns to me...And I hate to say no, but I feel like I have no choice. I have a wife and 3 children living in a 3 bedroom home. We have no room for him, and I don't think it's right for him to stay on the couch especially since my wife runs a home daycare out of our house...How would you feel if you dropped your kid off at daycare and saw some guy hooked up to oxygen tanks, with cords and medication strune all over, sleeping on a couch at a place your kids were going to be 5x/week? I'm betting that you'd pull your kids out faster than you can say WTF.

But I feel guilty. I mean, he is my dad and he put a roof over my head for 20 years of my life. My wife said she would support me if I wanted to let him stay with us - but I know that she doesn't want him living with us because it would probably cut into her paycheck. Not to mention that since she's at home 5 days a week, I'm sure he would have her taking care of him in no time too, and that's absolutely not what I want.

Am I being selfish here or am I correct in the assumption that he has overstayed his welcome with everyone and needs to figure out an alternative?

 

[decro435]

Sit him down and tell him. Honestly , if you tell him everything you've just said there to us he might change the way he acts. It's obvious from the post that you and your siblings love him. Try to change his mind and get him to depend more on himself. Make sure you spend enough time with him though , the worst thing to see is an lonely elderly person.

There are nurses that take can call into his house/apartment every day to check up and perform tasks for him. Anyways , good luck with any choice you make ,I know what it is like..

 

[The Gardener]

I think that you DO have an obligation to take care of your father, one way or another... but you do NOT have an obligation to house him in your home, if it is impinging on your day care, and on the space, financial stability, and living conditions standards that you require to raise your OWN children.

Sit him down and tell him.

I totally agree. Your father might be an invalid, but he's still a man and he needs to accept some responsibility for the actions that he CAN still control. Time to have a "come to Jesus" sit down discussion with him where you lay it all out. Maybe you can convince him to stay at a hotel if you are willing to make some other concessions to him... such as, perhaps you'll drive him over to your place to have meals, etc.

 

[Harie]

I forgot to mention that my brother, sisters and I have all had 2 "come to Jesus" meetings with him and it does no good. We have repeatedly told him that he needs to either switch his medical insurance to TX, or find a place in CO to live and move back here. He always says that he'll check into it, but a few weeks later when he's back out here for another 2 or 3 month stay, he hasn't done anything he said he's going to do. And again, he guilt trips someone into letting him stay with them for months on end.

Between my brother/sisters and me, we buy him groceries that he can cook himself and take him to dinner every now and again, plus take him to all his doctors appointments, hair cut appointments, dentist appointments etc etc...So it's not like we're just ditching him. But it's VERY frustrating and it feels like he has become a gigantic black hole that sucks up everyone's time. I have burned up all of my vacation time on him and my brother/sisters have pretty much done the same. If you have a day off, he expects - borderline demands - that you will spend it with him or spend it driving him around to his never ending doctors appointments. It doesn't matter if you had prior engagements, he wants you to cancel them and cater to his needs.

We tried to broach the subject of a nurse or someone that comes in a few times a week to clean/go to the grocery store for him etc, but he flat out refused/refuses to do that because he's cheap. Instead of spending $$ on a place to stay, someone to check in on him a few x a week, he blows his $$ on computers, computer software, tech gadgets etc because he knows that he can always guilt trip someone into doing everything for him and/or letting him stay with them. If it's not me/my brother or sisters, it's his 1/2 sister that he guilt trips into it instead.

I am so frustrated with the whole situation, especially after today. Just this afternoon, he told me I was being selfish because I wouldn't cancel my previous plans in order to drive him around to wherever he needed to go this Sat. I haven't had the heart to tell him yet that he can't stay with us and am fearful of the day I have to do that, which is coming up quickly.

I hate to ask questions and vent here, but you all usually give much, much better advice than the people in the other forums I'm on.

 

[The Gardener]

Well, as for your time off in particular, I think your father is being quite selfish. Perhaps you can deflect some of what your father demands of you by framing the issue as it impeding the quantity and quality of free time you have to devote to your OWN children. Maybe then he'll see the hypocrisy of his demands. That vacation time of yours is owed to YOUR family, quality time that YOUR children need from you in order to be a father to them.

By framing it this way, you turn his demands into a contradiction. He expects his son to be obligated to spend a LOT of his free time catering to him... but in doing this, he's taxing the same obligation that you have with your children. Sooo.. is his obligation truly one of being a good family member, or is his feeling that fathers and sons should be "obligated" to spend time together only apply with you and him, and NOT with you and your own children.

Sometimes being a man means speaking truth and making difficult decisions, even if people you love are on the short end of them. Your primary obligation is to the well being of your wife and children. You are, of course, obligated to your father, but NOT if it crosses a line unto which your primary family obligation is being harmed. As the common expression goes... "women and children first".

 

[techprof]

Harie,
My thoughts on this. Do you know a friend of yours or your dad's? You should find an old man in your close-circle who has been completely ignored by his children and is suffering without insurance or in old-age home. Seeing how good he got, your dad might change and cooperate more.

 

[CCS]

I don't have much sympathy for him. Try to fix the situation so he does to have to be kicked out, but definitely don't let him do all that.