Humiliated and embarrassed (for the regulars who know me)

[GeminiX]

I know I usually make posts where my life is full of sunshine and rainbows, but I recieved a bit of a body blow today which has shaken me somewhat. I feel it's only fair that I share with you a tale of woe about yours truly.

Today I was left incredibly humiliated and embarrassed by a very large national chain of retailers, of whom I have been a loyal customer for a long time.

I needed to pick up a new suit or smart jacket for work due to my old one becoming too big for me. As I had a free hour, I popped into the store in question, I had seen some ones which I quite liked on their website and the store generally has god stock (and usually exceptional customer service).

The store did not have the exact jacket I wanted, so one of the assistants suggested she call a nearby branch to check if they had stock. The assistant was unable to get through, so I said i would pick one of the ones they had in this store as they were quite nice and I did not have that much time. I went back to the racks, picked up a jacket in my size and headed back to the assistant who was standing at the changing rooms entrance (which I've used on several occasions). As I returned I noticed she was chatting to another colleague, and when they saw me approach they both looked at me her colleague walked off (creepy eh), she then asked me to use a different changing room on the other side of the store, and pointed them out to me.

Assuming the ones in the section where I was must have been full, I headed over to where I had been directed, and to my dismay, on the wall outside them was the sign "Men's Changing".

It felt like that scene in Jaws where Bodie stands up and the camera zooms in on him while it's rolling back on the dolly. I could not decide whether to yell at someone or burst into tears, I headed back to the area I had left to ask for an explanation and it turned out that the person who the assistant had been chatting to earlier was the manager, and he had advised the assistant I was dealing with to direct me to the men's area because "I looked like a man".

Even now, hours after the event, I'm feeling incredibly shaken. I've written a lengthy letter to the company detailing the events of today, but I'm not sure it will help.

This is by far the most humiliating and embarrassing event which has ever happened to me, my confidence has taken a massive blow and I've spent much of the afternoon in tears.

Until today I've had no problems with transition and being full time, barely a soul gives me even a second glance and no-one seems to really notice me. And yet today, a shop where I've been a regular and loyal customer can shatter my confidence in a single statement.

Anyhoo, if you've read this far, many thanks for listening to my tale. I'll post some updates as I get them.

Shade and sweet water,
Danielle

 

[Petchsky]

I think the letter could do some good, these supermarkets/stores normally take customer service very seriously and it's massively insulting to say what they did. The guy was probably just trying to impress this girl huh? Either way, he's bang out a line and don't let one knob head play on your mind. Stay strong in the face of adversity

 

[Cassin]

The problem could be much simpler than you realize and its not about looks...

Whether you realize it or not you probably still carry yourself like a man. Do you think that's possible? Women simply move, stand, reach for things, sit, look at people...etc far differently than a man. If that's the case that is something you can really work on.

Maybe one day you need to sit for a few hours and people watch.

Regardless....what an absolute ***.

 

[DoctorHouse]

I am curious to know if the sales person honestly knows your situation as a transgender. Maybe they thought your were a man in drag( transvestite) and thought it was more appropriate to change in the men's room. Obviously, they did not really know how to handle the situation which you have to understand is not very typical. Its not like most of their shoppers are transgenders and they can tell the difference or know how to handle the situation very smoothly. You also have to understand sometimes people are not educated about transgenders and really still believe if you are born a man, you will always be considered a man regardless of your transformation and may not really be sure if you should change in a women's room or a man's. Obviously, someone with some common sense will know you would prefer a women's changing room but still may not know for certain simply because its not a situation you normal experience day to day. I am sure unfortunately this may happen again because some people just really are not too certain how to react in a situation they are totally unfamiliar. If the sales person was acting maclicious to embarrass you purposely, then I think they were definitely out of line. However, if it was a case of mistaken identity, then you have to realize this may happen again in other places.

 

[GeminiX]

Cheers for the responses guys.

@Cassin, you make a good point about body language, men and women have very different body language and stand, sit, walk, talk tough etc. in very different ways. I have regular deportment sessions with a specialist and by all accounts my body language is quite feminine now (though sometimes I need to make conscious effort to not slip back into what I've been doing for the 38 years prior to transition).

@DoctorHouse, this is another very valid point. My transition has gone so well, with absolutely no incident before yesterday, that I may have become complacent. At that start of it all, I was expecting things like this to be a daily occurrence; I think because it has been so "easy" for want of a better word, I had started to forget I wsa transsexual at all and just get on with being me.

It turns out that the store did suspect I was transgendered, and I probably didn't help as I just had jeans and a tee shirt on and hadn't used any makeup. Actually though this admission makes it worse for them, as they are
in essence admitting to a breach of human rights and have broken the law in terms of discrimination.

When an individual with gender dysphoria begins transition the "right" way, they will usually have picked up all kinds of support from various groups and specialists, things such as appearance, posture, speech, expectations, identity, medication, various laws, discrimination and gender laws etc. Many people are surprised at just how good the support is for a transsexual when you look at it objectively.

I have a horrible feeling this won't be the end of it, I have some other friends in various support circles and lobby groups who want me to take it to the press etc. To be honest, in my opinion that's the last thing I or the general community want. The transgendered community does not need to be seen as a group of trouble makers running around making people scared to even look at them for fear of a complaint being raised.

I'll keep you all updated with this little drama, at least it makes an interesting subject for my blog. Maybe there will be an upside and I'll get some free clothes

 

[The Gardener]

Regardless of what the store attendant perceived, I think the manner in which she handled it was absolutely insensitive.

If the picture you have as your avatar is any guide, I think your transition to femininity appears to be quite a success.

 

[GeminiX]

If the picture you have as your avatar is any guide, I think your transition to femininity appears to be quite a success.

Thanks matey, that means more to me than you know

 

[GeminiX]

It happens to very good-looking girls, take it with humour. You overreacted to this. There's nothing serious about it.

Cheers for that insightful reply, not sure what good looking girls you know who have this happen to them though.

 

[GeminiX]

I think what hit me so hard was that I've recently forgotten I'm transsexual (more or less), I just think of myself as Danielle, 39, female. My life has been very good, everything is peachy, and I've strived for many years to get where I am. Not sure if you can relate, but it was like my past suddenly lept out and smacked me in the face.

Imagine if you can, spending years reversing your baldness and recovering all your hair; then just as your getting used to your shiny locks and forgetting all about ever having hairloss you wake up one morning and find yourself completely bald again.

Not a perfect analogy, but it might get the idea over

All that aside, the real issue is the discrimination. What they did is illegal, there will be some interesting (if not altogether welcome) updates fairly soon I feel.

 

[BobbyChalfont]

I think you're right to be angry.

I've had a look at the pics in your blog and there's no way any decent human being would consider sending you to the men's changing room - you'd look far more out of place in a man's changing room than a woman's one!

The staff member in question just wanted to belittle you for whatever reason (pissed off at their job, homophobic, whatever) and someone so insensitive shouldn't be working in a customer service environment.

 

[s.a.f]

Well I guess this just shows how personal things can deeply effect all of us. I'm sure that you've had to deal with similar occasions in the past, but I can understand how depressing it must be to have a setback this far down the line.

The only situation I could think of to justify their actions is if another customer had made a complaint but since that never happend it just seems like they were having a laugh at your expense.

As far as any male traits showing through goes it seems obvious to me that even if its apparant that someone is a transgender, the fact that they're obviously choosing to live as a woman is grounds enough to allow them the use of a womens facilities.

 

[Lucky_UK]

Not very nice of them to do that Gemini, at the very least in common decency they should of advised where both fitting rooms were and just left you to it, most stores have unisex fitting rooms nowadays, they need to get with the program.

 

[Cassin]

Cheers for the responses guys.

@Cassin, you make a good point about body language, men and women have very different body language and stand, sit, walk, talk tough etc. in very different ways. I have regular deportment sessions with a specialist and by all accounts my body language is quite feminine now (though sometimes I need to make conscious effort to not slip back into what I've been doing for the 38 years prior to transition).

No to harp on my point but I wouldn't go too far just by what one or a handful say about such a subject.

I preface this by saying I know next to nothing about the subject but IMO that would be the hardest thing to overcome, the mannerisms.

 

[JayBear]

That's horrible. I know many transsexuals, and although many of them have been post-op for years, and have no discernible (to me) differences from women, I do know they have all had similar issues in the past, although not as blatantly. I'm sorry you had to go through that. If it were me, heads would be rolling...

 

[GeminiX]

No to harp on my point but I wouldn't go too far just by what one or a handful say about such a subject.

I preface this by saying I know next to nothing about the subject but IMO that would be the hardest thing to overcome, the mannerisms.

I agree entirely, I'm sure we've all seen episodes of X-Factor where dreadful singers inform the judges that all their friends tell them they are fab. That said, the therapist I use is pretty blunt and does notsell you any bull.

However, there may well be something to what you say, it's quite possible that I had become too relaxed and had slipped into using some of my masculine traits. I was with an old male friend at the time, and I do have a habit of being more "blokey" when I'm with my older male friends. Also, as I mentioned earlier, I was not wearing makeup and was not carrying my handbag (purse) as I was only visiting this one store.

The "trick" to passing as a woman is to have enough of the gender pointers indicating female. These signals are made up of a number of things, posture and body language as you've mentiond, voice, dress, appearence etc. They all make up the package.

Maybe yesterday I had failed to "tick" enough boxes which when combined with a poor judgement call led to the events of yesterday.

Of course, it's also possible they were just being nasty

 

[Sean68]

dont let it knock you off your path mate youre always gonna hit stumbling points when youre undertaking something as big as you have. you look pretty great to me its quite an amazing achievement and transformation.

if you feel bad a about it, and you shouldnt, just think - you could be a cloakroom assistant!

 

[ali777]

I'm gonna jump into conclusions here and support Dani by boycotting my local "very large national chain of retailers" until they issue an apology.

 

[Cassin]

The "trick" to passing as a woman is to have enough of the gender pointers indicating female. These signals are made up of a number of things, posture and body language as you've mentiond, voice, dress, appearence etc. They all make up the package.

Maybe yesterday I had failed to "tick" enough boxes which when combined with a poor judgement call led to the events of yesterday.

Of course, it's also possible they were just being nasty

I am 100% heterosexual and the thought trying to pass myself off as a women when it comes to the complex subtleties blows my mind.

I mean think about it...

You have only been both physically and mentally a women for how long? Certainly this is something that takes a long time to truly work out in not just in a clinical setting (with your doctor) but in day to day common social settings. It would appear to me that sitting and talking with someone I am comfortable with (your doctor) would be so much easier than going about normal life in public.

I mean..here you are walking through a reborn life with your eyes wide open to a whole new world while still shaking off your old body mechanics. No matter where your mind and soul is I cannot imagine your mannerisms have caught up with your confidence and personality. You're still fighting mangled instincts I would think. Your doctor sees you in a office and chatting but the rest of the world sees you walking and enjoying life.

To me its a simple matter of time, patience and study.

By no means am I alibiing for the abysmal behavior of the store employee...I'm just trying to help with the other parts.

 

[patagonia]

That store employee was a dumbass. Try to let this unfortunate event go, and not give weight to the actions or opinions of ignorant fools. The letter to the company sounds like a good idea. Stay strong!

 

[oni]

GeminiX I am really sorry to hear this has happened to you, you look the part in your pic...........................