Boondock
Senior Member
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This is probably going to be the most philosophical post I will ever write here. What can I say? For various reasons I'm at home in the house this weekend, and once again I'm letting male pattern baldness get to me more than usual. When this happens, I tend to get a bit reflective.
So I wanted to pose this question: when we're experiencing hair loss, is the solution to our problem always really the solution?
I'll illustrate what I mean by way of a story, which you may well have heard before. It's about a carpet merchant, who once saw that his most beautiful rug had a large bump in its center. He stepped on the bump to flatten it out - and succeeded. But then the bump reappeared in a new spot not far away. He jumped on the bump again, and it disappeared again for a moment - until it emerged once more in a new place. Again and again he jumped, scuffing and mangling with the rug in his frustration, until finally one day he lifted a corner of the carpet and pulled it up. An angry snake came slithering out.
How does this relate to hair loss? Well for me, it epitomizes the way I've dealt with it so far, and the way I seem to be continuing to deal with it over time. I began by losing a bit at the front, and got self-conscious about my hairline. I experimented with different styles, and then became scared that my hairline would be exposed. Next I started with treatments, and found myself becoming ever more worried about whether my hairline was remaining stable, whether I was seeing any regrowth, whether I was getting sides, whether I'd be able to keep my meds secret from everyone.
Now when I look into the future, I realize that the main 'solutions' I'm thinking of are along the same lines. I'm considering hair systems right now, but deep down I believe they will merely exchange one problem for another, and move my attitude from one of worrying about my hairline to one of worrying about whether my hairpiece will be exposed (which gives 'the snake under the rug' notion a slightly ironic twist). hair transplants can work, but can also leave you going back for more, or taking time out to recover. More fundamentally, in some people they may be merely avoiding the real solution.
What is the real solution? What is the snake under the carpet?
When I think about it deep down, I know that it isn't shaving. At least not in itself. If it were, UCMan and many others on the board who've taken that path would be doing fine right now.
What it is, is a complete change in mindset away from the frame of thinking which says you need to look good in order to achieve the things you want. Let me tell you now that while I tell myself being bald will hamper my chances with girls, in my career, and in social life - all of which is true, to a point - the problem is fundamentally about me. I want to look how I used to. I want to have back my old style. I hate the fact that it's gone, and I'm fighting clawing to try and retain it as much as possible. And when I feel like I can't, I behave like a petulant child: if I can't have the hair, then I'll never have the job, or the wife, or the family I want. 99% of the damaging negative feedback I've had on my hair loss has come from within my own mind.
And when I talk about how people judge others on their looks, I realize that I'm often just externalizing and projecting my own thoughts and feelings. Let me tell you now: I have no idea what others are truly thinking about baldness, and nor does anybody else. We impose mental models on the world because the reality is too complex for us to fully take in, and these mental frameworks shape and distort the way we experience the world, and how the world is to us. Why do some bald guys think it's great while others feel they're constantly mocked? Why does UCMan - a good-looking bald guy - experience rejection and abuse while someone like Neil Strauss, or any of the guys on SlyBaldGuys, like the look? Is it simply because one is right and one is wrong? Is it simply because one is delusional and the other sees the real world? Or is it because they hold different beliefs about themselves and the world, and thus experience and actually live in different worlds from day to day?
For me, I've realized since this has happened that I really was one of the shallow people. I liked good looking people. I didn't want to hang out with girls (or even guys) who weren't good looking, as I felt it brought down my status. When I was dating girls, I'd always be thinking about not only what I thought about them, but what I thought others would think about them. I was shallow, and I still am. And when I think others are judging me for hairloss, it's as much me projecting my own self-hatred as it is people passing judgement on it themselves.
Of course my hair looks worse than than four years ago, but what's made as much of a difference is how I've become depressed, bitter, angry, lost my sense of humour and easy-goingness, and dug myself a hole which I feel I can't get out of. I believe this is true for many of us here, and I believe no amount of treatments will fix it. Many people do manage to cling on to their life through treatments and transplants, but how many truly flourish in life this way? How many have truly great lives this way? How many wasted years, even decades, can we spend trying to get something back that wasn't going to be the answer all along? This fight does not let us live. It merely lets us limp.
So what, then, is the solution? Like I said, I'm starting to think it's not about shaving in itself - although that's a part of it. It's about redefining your attitude towards yourself and the world. I have always (more now than ever) been obsessed by looks. I've felt that value derived from them. If I looked good one day, I'd feel comfortable approaching anyone; if I didn't, I'd feel unworthy. I look in mirrors all the time.
The solution, I believe, may be to find true value in yourself, and to transcend this mental prison we've built ourselves. All of the truly great people I've met in life have had a sort of presence - whether they looked good or not physically - and a kind of confidence which gained them respect and magetism among almost everyone. My brother, for instance, is actually not a great looking guy but has never once been down about it, even if he gets negative feedback (and I know that because I used to mock him for it!) I believe people like this have different mental models about the world, have a sense of deep self-esteem and value, and hold radically different beliefs about themselves and about life. They not only think different thoughts, but experience a different world to us. If I were to tell some of these people what I'd gone through to keep my hair, they wouldn't be critical: just baffled.
So for me, I'm beginning to think that the long term solution may be to completely reorient myself and my thinking. I don't think this will be easy, but I do think it will lead to greater success and happiness in life in the long run. It'll probably involve shaving eventually, yes, but in the main it'll be about making that step less of a problem, and moving beyond this whole childish obsession I've had with appearance. I criticize others for placing value on style over substance, but I do it as much as anybody else out there - as do almost all of you, whatever you say. It's hard to complain about a cynicism in the world when deep down you hold that cynicism yourself.
Well, that was long and it probably didn't make much sense. Hopefully some food for thought there, though. I'm not sure if this seemed like a philosophical treatise or a crazed rant, but it's where my thinking is leading me.
I'll leave you with one of my favourite quotes, from the all-round genius and wisdom-spouter Carl Jung:
"The greatest and most important problems of life are all fundamentally insoluble. They can never be solved. They must be outgrown.â€
One one from Einstein for good measure:
"We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.â€
Peace out,
Boondock
So I wanted to pose this question: when we're experiencing hair loss, is the solution to our problem always really the solution?
I'll illustrate what I mean by way of a story, which you may well have heard before. It's about a carpet merchant, who once saw that his most beautiful rug had a large bump in its center. He stepped on the bump to flatten it out - and succeeded. But then the bump reappeared in a new spot not far away. He jumped on the bump again, and it disappeared again for a moment - until it emerged once more in a new place. Again and again he jumped, scuffing and mangling with the rug in his frustration, until finally one day he lifted a corner of the carpet and pulled it up. An angry snake came slithering out.
How does this relate to hair loss? Well for me, it epitomizes the way I've dealt with it so far, and the way I seem to be continuing to deal with it over time. I began by losing a bit at the front, and got self-conscious about my hairline. I experimented with different styles, and then became scared that my hairline would be exposed. Next I started with treatments, and found myself becoming ever more worried about whether my hairline was remaining stable, whether I was seeing any regrowth, whether I was getting sides, whether I'd be able to keep my meds secret from everyone.
Now when I look into the future, I realize that the main 'solutions' I'm thinking of are along the same lines. I'm considering hair systems right now, but deep down I believe they will merely exchange one problem for another, and move my attitude from one of worrying about my hairline to one of worrying about whether my hairpiece will be exposed (which gives 'the snake under the rug' notion a slightly ironic twist). hair transplants can work, but can also leave you going back for more, or taking time out to recover. More fundamentally, in some people they may be merely avoiding the real solution.
What is the real solution? What is the snake under the carpet?
When I think about it deep down, I know that it isn't shaving. At least not in itself. If it were, UCMan and many others on the board who've taken that path would be doing fine right now.
What it is, is a complete change in mindset away from the frame of thinking which says you need to look good in order to achieve the things you want. Let me tell you now that while I tell myself being bald will hamper my chances with girls, in my career, and in social life - all of which is true, to a point - the problem is fundamentally about me. I want to look how I used to. I want to have back my old style. I hate the fact that it's gone, and I'm fighting clawing to try and retain it as much as possible. And when I feel like I can't, I behave like a petulant child: if I can't have the hair, then I'll never have the job, or the wife, or the family I want. 99% of the damaging negative feedback I've had on my hair loss has come from within my own mind.
And when I talk about how people judge others on their looks, I realize that I'm often just externalizing and projecting my own thoughts and feelings. Let me tell you now: I have no idea what others are truly thinking about baldness, and nor does anybody else. We impose mental models on the world because the reality is too complex for us to fully take in, and these mental frameworks shape and distort the way we experience the world, and how the world is to us. Why do some bald guys think it's great while others feel they're constantly mocked? Why does UCMan - a good-looking bald guy - experience rejection and abuse while someone like Neil Strauss, or any of the guys on SlyBaldGuys, like the look? Is it simply because one is right and one is wrong? Is it simply because one is delusional and the other sees the real world? Or is it because they hold different beliefs about themselves and the world, and thus experience and actually live in different worlds from day to day?
For me, I've realized since this has happened that I really was one of the shallow people. I liked good looking people. I didn't want to hang out with girls (or even guys) who weren't good looking, as I felt it brought down my status. When I was dating girls, I'd always be thinking about not only what I thought about them, but what I thought others would think about them. I was shallow, and I still am. And when I think others are judging me for hairloss, it's as much me projecting my own self-hatred as it is people passing judgement on it themselves.
Of course my hair looks worse than than four years ago, but what's made as much of a difference is how I've become depressed, bitter, angry, lost my sense of humour and easy-goingness, and dug myself a hole which I feel I can't get out of. I believe this is true for many of us here, and I believe no amount of treatments will fix it. Many people do manage to cling on to their life through treatments and transplants, but how many truly flourish in life this way? How many have truly great lives this way? How many wasted years, even decades, can we spend trying to get something back that wasn't going to be the answer all along? This fight does not let us live. It merely lets us limp.
So what, then, is the solution? Like I said, I'm starting to think it's not about shaving in itself - although that's a part of it. It's about redefining your attitude towards yourself and the world. I have always (more now than ever) been obsessed by looks. I've felt that value derived from them. If I looked good one day, I'd feel comfortable approaching anyone; if I didn't, I'd feel unworthy. I look in mirrors all the time.
The solution, I believe, may be to find true value in yourself, and to transcend this mental prison we've built ourselves. All of the truly great people I've met in life have had a sort of presence - whether they looked good or not physically - and a kind of confidence which gained them respect and magetism among almost everyone. My brother, for instance, is actually not a great looking guy but has never once been down about it, even if he gets negative feedback (and I know that because I used to mock him for it!) I believe people like this have different mental models about the world, have a sense of deep self-esteem and value, and hold radically different beliefs about themselves and about life. They not only think different thoughts, but experience a different world to us. If I were to tell some of these people what I'd gone through to keep my hair, they wouldn't be critical: just baffled.
So for me, I'm beginning to think that the long term solution may be to completely reorient myself and my thinking. I don't think this will be easy, but I do think it will lead to greater success and happiness in life in the long run. It'll probably involve shaving eventually, yes, but in the main it'll be about making that step less of a problem, and moving beyond this whole childish obsession I've had with appearance. I criticize others for placing value on style over substance, but I do it as much as anybody else out there - as do almost all of you, whatever you say. It's hard to complain about a cynicism in the world when deep down you hold that cynicism yourself.
Well, that was long and it probably didn't make much sense. Hopefully some food for thought there, though. I'm not sure if this seemed like a philosophical treatise or a crazed rant, but it's where my thinking is leading me.
I'll leave you with one of my favourite quotes, from the all-round genius and wisdom-spouter Carl Jung:
"The greatest and most important problems of life are all fundamentally insoluble. They can never be solved. They must be outgrown.â€
One one from Einstein for good measure:
"We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.â€
Peace out,
Boondock
