So I think I've ruined my marriage because of balding

[JohnBauer]

I have been on Propecia for 3 years. I thought it would be a miracle if I met a woman. I met a wonderful woman, and married her, but I am pushing her away because of the obsession with balding.

The propecia isn't maintaining. My wife is sick of me saying I am going to look like a freak and that she will leave me. Before anyone says anything, I know this is all in my head.

She says she can't even see balding, and I can't believe her! The problem makes me not want to do anything, or go out, or work hard because I think the stress will accelerate it. I just want to be normal, and maybe I am, but I cannot see it. I need help.

 

[Sebastien]

Okay, I am way younger than you (20) and yes I tell my girlfriend the same thing. 'If im gonna have a horseshoe there is no way in hell that you are going to stick by me', she tells me that she wouldn't care at all.

First of all, we will both never know untill that day comes. I wish I had a full head of hair too but saying that you will look like a freak is taking it way too far. I can tell you one thing though, noone is going to like a depressed, obsessive, anxious man with low self esteem. Bald or not.

Secondly, turn it around. If she were to lose all of her hair for whatever cause (even if its way worse for a female) will you love her less? I know I wouldn't.

And thirdly, there are options even if you will be bald. Think hairpiece, hairtransplants etc. If that's gonna make you happy, why not?

Keep taking the finasteride as long as that goes well for you. Now go enjoy your new married life and dont worry so much. Eventually we will all get more wrinkles and saggy tits.

 

[Cassin]

I have been on Propecia for 3 years. I thought it would be a miracle if I met a woman. I met a wonderful woman, and married her, but I am pushing her away because of the obsession with balding.

The propecia isn't maintaining. My wife is sick of me saying I am going to look like a freak and that she will leave me. Before anyone says anything, I know this is all in my head.

She says she can't even see balding, and I can't believe her! The problem makes me not want to do anything, or go out, or work hard because I think the stress will accelerate it. I just want to be normal, and maybe I am, but I cannot see it. I need help.

Brother you need to see a therapist now. I know a handful of people that see them and they all mention how much they have helped them with their problems.

 

[DoctorHouse]

If your wife assures you that she will not leave you if you go bald then you obviously have nothing to worry about. But if YOU believe she will, you need some mental counseling because ruining a marriage over your hair is absolutely ridiculous. You are lucky to have found someone who would marry you in the first place. Don't blow it now unless you want some excuse to end your marriage and you are using balding as an excuse when it really goes deeper than just your hair. Most of the people on here are using balding as an excuse of why they get get women. You don't have that "card" to use anymore. You got someone who most likely married you for more than just your hair.

 

[bigentries]

The reason why I say this is that I had the exact thing happen to me. My ex wife assured me that she would love me no matter what - even if I went totally bald. From what you describe, my ex "assured" me the exact same way as yours.

Well, that day eventually came when I became severly bald (NW4/5). She dumped me! Her reason: (her words exactly) "I am not physically attracted to you anymore since you have lost nearly all of your hair. I do not love you anymore for this reason, and I am moving out in 2 weeks. I have filed for divorce." Two weeks came and she was gone. Just like that! After nearly 8 years of being married.

Dudemon, I'm curious.
Was hairloss a big issue before this or it really made it a big deal?

I think most of us have all gotten the same talk from friends and family. It would be really devastating if someone I cared pointed in such a cold way that my hairloss is indeed a big problem to them

 

[timbo]

With all that being said, the main point I'd like to make is that you need to stop obsessing over your hair (at least in front of her). If you don't, she will think you are insecure, and the first time another guy who she's attracted to comes her way, she's gone. I know its harder said than done to not obsess, but you need to focus on that. You need to stop pointing out your flaws to her, however serious they may seem to you. Women see that as a sign of weakness, and eventually she will get sick of it and leave you for that reason alone. Even if you never go bald, just the fact you keep obsessing about your flaws and weaknesses around her, will cause her to eventually resent it - even if she says it doesn't bother her.

Dudemon, I understand the reason for your advice, but I think you have a skewed view of marriage. When you say, "Women see that as a sign of weakness, and eventually she will get sick of it and leave you for that reason alone," you are totally missing the point of marriage. If you can't be weak and vulnerable with your spouse, then love isn't even involved in the marriage in the first place. It's one thing to tell somebody to not let hair-loss control their life, but I don't think it does any good to tell somebody to keep their guard up around their spouse. If your spouse divorces you because of your hair-loss, she wasn't worth keeping around anyway, and she certainly didn't love you. If you don't mind me saying, what a sad excuse for a human being...

 

[Mens Rea]

This is a seriously depressing thread

Id say there's a very weak / no correlation between unhappy marriages and baldness. The correlation between balding and insecurity and loss of confidence particularly on forums like this however is rife.

Dudemon im not saying this was all in your head, sometimes it is what is it but im sure you obssessing over things was probably the nail in the coffin. Women are attracted to very average looking guys so long as they have carisma and presence. Losing both is no doubt devastating so if you lose your hair you should work 10x more on your body language and general personality imo not let them deteriotate along with your hair (easier said than done but you only live one buddy).

You know im right...

 

[Boondock]

If anyone wonders why Dudemon has the attitude he has on life, this is it. Dude, no offense but your ex-wife sounds like a complete b**ch.

 

[Mens Rea]

If anyone wonders why Dudemon has the attitude he has on life, this is it. Dude, no offense but your ex-wife sounds like a complete b**ch.

Agree.

People very easily use their limited life experiences (everyone has limited life experience) that mould mindsets etc. Some people are lucky and are probably overly optimistic (although this helps them anyway) but others are unlucky in their experiences and let it affect their outlook on things.

I am a strong believer in determinism .

 

[Bald Dave]

The simple fact is that women don't care about baldness! We are men and we're all going to go bald or receed at sometime in out lives wether it be in our 20s or our 60s its gonna happen to us some time. There is nothing you can do about it but just accept the hand you've been given and try and get on with your lives and stop stressing about it - WOMEN DON'T CARE! And if they do then its their problem not yours! I've personally never had any negative comments in my life from anyone (women, work colleagues, family etc) and its only an issue if you make it one.

 

[thetodd]

The fact is that no matter how well you think you know someone, they can still surprise you. Marriage always requires a leap of faith and is a big risk. You're basically giving your heart to another person and hoping they don't tear it in half. If your wife isn't acting any different towards you (like being less affectionate or getting pissed off at you about little things that shouldn't bother her so much), then you should take her word that your hairloss isn't bothering her. Insecurity will get to her, though. My advice is to stop asking her if your hairloss is bothersome. Keep acting like the same guy you were before your hairloss started.

 

[captain_que]

No sh*t, if your wife leaves you because of your hairloss, YOU are not the problem. Love makes you blind and you can´t tell that your spouse might really be a shallow douchette.

I know a lot of of bald guys with really good looking wifes/girlfriends. The girls get hit on by nw1´s all day, it doesn´t matter, they have great relationships that go beyond physical appearance. The guys may not look that good, but they don´t (seem to) let it bring them down.. Seeing this gives hope. Just hope I can stop obsessing too :innocent:

 

[sadscalp]

The reason why I say this is that I had the exact thing happen to me. My ex wife assured me that she would love me no matter what - even if I went totally bald. From what you describe, my ex "assured" me the exact same way as yours.

Well, that day eventually came when I became severly bald (NW4/5). She dumped me! Her reason: (her words exactly) "I am not physically attracted to you anymore since you have lost nearly all of your hair. I do not love you anymore for this reason, and I am moving out in 2 weeks. I have filed for divorce." Two weeks came and she was gone. Just like that! After nearly 8 years of being married.

Please don't tell me anyone actually believes this sh*t. This is what dudemon is all about, telling everyone a story about a negative "personal experience" that noone can argue against. Because "how do we know that it didn't happen to him?".

You're full of sh*t, and I for one stopped believing you a long time ago. Stop telling everyone about these fictional personal experiences of yours in your attempts to bring everyone down to your level.

To the OP, she won't leave if you go bald. Women, or 99,9% of women, are not like that. But if you keep obsessing about it and let it take over your life, then she might.

 

[Boondock]

I actually believe Dudemon's stories. The only disagreement I have is that he takes his personal experiences and generalizes them to cover all reality.

Truth is that some women do care, while others don't so much.

 

[sadscalp]

I actually believe Dudemon's stories.

Wow, just wow. Can't you see that he's just using his "personal experiences" as an argument, because he knows that noone can know for sure that he's lying, and therefore can't argue against it? Read his quote of his ex's exact words. Does that sound like something a real person would say? And why the feck would she be staying for 2 more weeks?!?

A woman would not leave her husband just because he had lost his hair. Wouldn't happen, period. And even if she said those things, and that is one BIG, BIG if, that was still not the reason, and you'd be stupid to actually believe it.

I have no idea why he keeps popping up with these stories of his, but it's getting pretty f*cking old. And it makes me angry because people obviously believe him.

 

[sadscalp]

By the way dudemon, I have sympathy for your situation, if what you've written in here about yourself and your situation is really true, and I hope things work out for you, but why are you so determined to make everyone else feel miserable and worry about things they don't have to worry about? You need to stop this destructive behaviour, it's not healthy, and if you don't change then things will only get worse for you.

 

[uncomfortable man]

Like Boondock said, some do some don't. Really depends on the strength of the relationship to begin with. Many couples get together almost based solely on attraction, they think they look good together. Only to find out years later that they have conflicting/incompatible personalities and wind up hating each other and getting divorced. This happens all too frequently, in the US at least. Some relationships are strong however, and have a solid foundation that helps them stay together through good times and bad over the years. Weather or not a couple stays happily together depends on many factors. Everyone has their own values, issues and baggage. I strongly believe that the biggest factor to relationship success is if both parties involved have COMPATIBLE values, baggage and what not. That does not exclude the possibility that someone's values might change over time, hence couples "growing apart". It is a complicated issue that can go any which way depending, so while the Dude's story might seem overly negative to some... it would be unreasonable and unrealistic to think that his experience is beyond the realm of possibility.

 

[qball01]

I actually believe Dudemon's stories.

Wow, just wow. Can't you see that he's just using his "personal experiences" as an argument, because he knows that noone can know for sure that he's lying, and therefore can't argue against it? Read his quote of his ex's exact words. Does that sound like something a real person would say? And why the feck would she be staying for 2 more weeks?!?

A woman would not leave her husband just because he had lost his hair. Wouldn't happen, period. And even if she said those things, and that is one BIG, BIG if, that was still not the reason, and you'd be stupid to actually believe it.

I have no idea why he keeps popping up with these stories of his, but it's getting pretty f*cking old. And it makes me angry because people obviously believe him.

Hey, she really did say those EXACT words to me, after years of "reassuring me" that she'd never leave me for that reason. My point is that she apparently was lying to me by telling me much the same thing as the OP's wife is telling him.


So, how does anyone really know what a woman is truly thinking? For all those guys who say "Women don't care about baldness," they are generalizing. In fact, that is complete BS! The vast majority of women DO care whether a guy is bald(ing) or not. (despite what they say) And, as much as you would not like to believe, it is true that being bald = deal beaker for many women who refuse to date bald men. Even guys who shave, and have big muscles and "confidence" will not suffice for some women (actually, IMO, it's more than "some").


You think you know someone, but do you really? Not always! Not on your life!
.

wow...its crazy how you can never know just how crazy a girl is until its much too late...she sounds like a b**ch, not gonna lie. Its fortunate that there are many girls out there who don't care and stay married to their husbands despite them losing their hair...my mom, my aunt, and many others I know being among them...sucks that you got the type of girl who wasn't understanding and had screwed up values.

But those are the breaks. I'll never pretend like there are women like that. However, from personal experience, the girls who I have met who clearly have a grudge against baldness are also the ones who are fucked up in general. Insecure, shallow, (and therefore overly appearance oriented)...just overall embodiments of the word "b**ch." You honestly would NOT want to end up getting involved with these girls in any sort of long term commitment...and a lot of guys do get suckered into relationships with these types of girls especially if the guys are insecure as well. And trust me, I'm not even saying this out of denial or "deluding myself" or anything...there definitely is a correlation between the type of girl who says "ew, why should I date a BALD guy?!" and her overall decency as a human being/level of self esteem and competence. So yeah...there definitely are some girls who refuse to date a bald guy...there's girls who refuse to date a guy under 6'0. Girls who refuse to date a guy under 6 figures, etc. Most girls like that are not desirable dating companions for one reason or another so it evens out in the end.

 

[treeshrew]

For all those guys who say "Women don't care about baldness," they are generalizing. In fact, that is complete BS! The vast majority of women DO care whether a guy is bald(ing) or not.

i love how you call someone out for generalizing then do it yourself in the exact NEXT sentence.

i actually do believe dude's stories (been reading them almost 3 years) they are too specific and heartfelt to be made up.

i however completely disagree with his extrapolations that all women care about hairloss and are conniving b****s. sounds like dude got BURNED bad by his ex, but all the (few) relationships I've had the girl has been completely dedicated/loyal to me and I guarantee you would not dump me over hair.

so, in the end, as pretty much everyone in this thread has already said, it depends on the girl.

 

[Obsidian]

Not to get off topic but Dudemon, seriously, make your posts more concise and the point, it's almost headache-inducing to read your posts.