I am 6 days away from getting a hair transplant. I don't know if it will solve anything, or everything....either way, 6 days is too long to wait, because any change to the way I feel now is welcomed. I am 32 years old, and I first noticed I was losing my hair at 20. It has been a grinding obsession for 12 years. Like many people, I feel like my youth has been stolen from me. Even though I had been through an abusive childhood, suffered abandonment issues, and was self-conscious in my pre-balding days, nothing prepared me for hair loss.
It's like you are half a person. I am invisible, or my pain is, and I don't know who I am. People say it's in my head, not on my head, but I can't get over the sense of inferiority. I wasn't born the best-looking guy, or the ugliest, but I was born with my body. It is mine. The eyes, nose, limbs, and hair. But it was warped and stigmatized. The daily pain of knowing you look old and genetically flawed with what we are taught is an old man's curse is intolerable. I've heard that there's a running theme of baldness as a curse in the bible, and I would and wouldn't like to look more into it. It does feel like I did something wrong in another life to have had to suffer this. Maybe the worst part is that I am told I shouldn't feel the way I feel. I should be grateful. So then guilt overcomes me, and I feel more inferior in my vanity and selfishness.
Is this just an obsession? Is it real pain? Is a transplant extreme? I'm basically a NW5 but I have white miniaturized hair covering the bald areas so with my blonde hair and pale reflection, I can maintain the illusion of hair. I am sick of wearing my hat, but I can't leave it at home. I had a girlfriend who wanted me to implement some bs she's learning in grad-school, where I condition myself to embrace my neurotic fears, if only one moment at a time. "Just one part of the day, take off your hat." We broke up, and when I told her I missed her a few months later (which I did) she said "you still haven't changed. You still can't accept yourself.) I'm in grad school too, and I can't focus now that the big day is approaching. I feel like someone who is desperate to have a sex-change or something, they feel trapped in a body that isn't theirs.
That's the daily pain--living in a world you can't participate in, for you are not you, only a you that you 'should' be, and you are a ghost that is trapped to the world of the living. I admit, I am not in pain all of the time. I do have joy and laughter at moments, but there's a weight that is ignored naturally at those moments. Eventually, I feel that weight drag me from the laughter when I realize I'm balding. And I hate myself for caring, but I do, I really do. 6 days is too long. After 12 years of trying in vain, 6 days is too long for a procedure which might make a difference. I know there is a wait after to see any results. My patience is gone, and I want to go to sleep for a week.
The daily pain of avoiding bright lights, of letting people stand behind you, of constantly looking in the mirror, of the hat which seems to grow tighter everyday, of knowing I don't have the confidence to talk to women and I will sleep alone another night. I guess I am being too dramatic. I should, as they say, "own it." Sometimes I wish friends of mine would lose their hair so they can feel my pain. I know I don't want anyone to suffer this, I just don't want to feel alone. I lost my mind when I noticed I was losing my hair. I became depressed, then so depressed I became psychotic and thought God was talking to me and I knew the secret of the universe. I had to get on anti-depressants, and became addicted to benzos and opiates. I'm three years sober now, and looking back, I shudder.
It's like you are half a person. I am invisible, or my pain is, and I don't know who I am. People say it's in my head, not on my head, but I can't get over the sense of inferiority. I wasn't born the best-looking guy, or the ugliest, but I was born with my body. It is mine. The eyes, nose, limbs, and hair. But it was warped and stigmatized. The daily pain of knowing you look old and genetically flawed with what we are taught is an old man's curse is intolerable. I've heard that there's a running theme of baldness as a curse in the bible, and I would and wouldn't like to look more into it. It does feel like I did something wrong in another life to have had to suffer this. Maybe the worst part is that I am told I shouldn't feel the way I feel. I should be grateful. So then guilt overcomes me, and I feel more inferior in my vanity and selfishness.
Is this just an obsession? Is it real pain? Is a transplant extreme? I'm basically a NW5 but I have white miniaturized hair covering the bald areas so with my blonde hair and pale reflection, I can maintain the illusion of hair. I am sick of wearing my hat, but I can't leave it at home. I had a girlfriend who wanted me to implement some bs she's learning in grad-school, where I condition myself to embrace my neurotic fears, if only one moment at a time. "Just one part of the day, take off your hat." We broke up, and when I told her I missed her a few months later (which I did) she said "you still haven't changed. You still can't accept yourself.) I'm in grad school too, and I can't focus now that the big day is approaching. I feel like someone who is desperate to have a sex-change or something, they feel trapped in a body that isn't theirs.
That's the daily pain--living in a world you can't participate in, for you are not you, only a you that you 'should' be, and you are a ghost that is trapped to the world of the living. I admit, I am not in pain all of the time. I do have joy and laughter at moments, but there's a weight that is ignored naturally at those moments. Eventually, I feel that weight drag me from the laughter when I realize I'm balding. And I hate myself for caring, but I do, I really do. 6 days is too long. After 12 years of trying in vain, 6 days is too long for a procedure which might make a difference. I know there is a wait after to see any results. My patience is gone, and I want to go to sleep for a week.
The daily pain of avoiding bright lights, of letting people stand behind you, of constantly looking in the mirror, of the hat which seems to grow tighter everyday, of knowing I don't have the confidence to talk to women and I will sleep alone another night. I guess I am being too dramatic. I should, as they say, "own it." Sometimes I wish friends of mine would lose their hair so they can feel my pain. I know I don't want anyone to suffer this, I just don't want to feel alone. I lost my mind when I noticed I was losing my hair. I became depressed, then so depressed I became psychotic and thought God was talking to me and I knew the secret of the universe. I had to get on anti-depressants, and became addicted to benzos and opiates. I'm three years sober now, and looking back, I shudder.
