Aplunk1
Senior Member
- Reaction score
- 9
It's very difficult for me to write about depression, nowadays. I refrain from drugs that allow me to speak my mind without fear of backlash. It was so commonplace for me to use and abuse a substance, whether it be heroin, meth, coke, pot, alcohol, ecstacy, and all else... Though it was only a few years, I feel as though it's been a lifetime. And because of all this, I can't, for the life of me, know how to happily function without them.
The most formative years of my life were spent trying to avoid a reality that, I felt, hated me. There were so many cruel and embarassing moments in my life, and to this day they still haunt me.
What's really odd is that I find myself praying under my breath:
"I can't do this anymore.. I can't do it.. I can't do it, man.. I cannot go through this again.. It's over.. It's over..."
And, I swear on my life, I say this and more several times a day.
I've done everything you guys told me to do-- I got back into school, have a 4.0 GPA (take my studies seriously, nowadays), exercise several hours a day, eat extremely healthy, cut down on stress... All of these things, yet I still cannot function without alcohol. What bothers me the most, and though it pains me inside to even admit to an online group, but I have no friends. Man, I've accomplished so goddamn much, but I'll never have the circle of friends I had when I was careless and the life of the party when I had substance access.
I've lived alone for years, but now this same loneliness is killing me inside. The people on the New York streets are cruel and liken to giving you jeering looks from aside. There is an innate misanthrophy to all of them, and I come home blaming myself, like always. And there's no one to even confide in, because, again, I have no friends.
I saw this poem the other day, and it kind of got to me:
http://www.lowbright.com/Comics/Island/Island.htm
The most formative years of my life were spent trying to avoid a reality that, I felt, hated me. There were so many cruel and embarassing moments in my life, and to this day they still haunt me.
What's really odd is that I find myself praying under my breath:
"I can't do this anymore.. I can't do it.. I can't do it, man.. I cannot go through this again.. It's over.. It's over..."
And, I swear on my life, I say this and more several times a day.
I've done everything you guys told me to do-- I got back into school, have a 4.0 GPA (take my studies seriously, nowadays), exercise several hours a day, eat extremely healthy, cut down on stress... All of these things, yet I still cannot function without alcohol. What bothers me the most, and though it pains me inside to even admit to an online group, but I have no friends. Man, I've accomplished so goddamn much, but I'll never have the circle of friends I had when I was careless and the life of the party when I had substance access.
I've lived alone for years, but now this same loneliness is killing me inside. The people on the New York streets are cruel and liken to giving you jeering looks from aside. There is an innate misanthrophy to all of them, and I come home blaming myself, like always. And there's no one to even confide in, because, again, I have no friends.
I saw this poem the other day, and it kind of got to me:
http://www.lowbright.com/Comics/Island/Island.htm