The way I look at things

[Boondock]

I'm starting to find the 'Impact' forum a bit like a broken record, so I thought I'd post something in here to state how I look at things so I can chill out with CCS on the off-topic board without feeling I need to keep posting here.

I'm going to present the way that I look at hair loss, and the reason why I can't understand so many of the threads bemoaning the problems with it. I'll probably get shat on for this, but here we go.

1) We can never reliable know how much of a problem hair loss is in terms of career, the opposite sex, and interactions with friends and family
Will an employer consider you unpresentable because of your Norwood, or feel compassion towards you because he has the same? Do girls care about hair above all else, or is it the confidence they want most? I would wager that nobody on these forums knows the answers to these questions, and that there's no way they can find out. A series of anecdotes is not reliable evidence, bear in mind, and the fact that you or I think we know the answers means absolutely nothing at all.

2. Debating how big a problem hair loss is, therefore, is largely a dead end.
If we can't answer these questions precisely, it's time to stop trying. Discussion becomes a verbal hamster wheel.


3. We do know that loss of confidence, depression, or anxiety do affect our lives in all the above areas.
Pretty self-explanatory.

4. We do know that obsessing over hair loss can lower our confidence, or induce depression or anxiety.

5. We also know that how much we decide to be negative, or obsess, is at least partially a matter of choice.
It may be hard not to feel down about hair loss, but it's our choice to stay in rather than go out, to wear a hat rather than to be open, to pass up opportunities rather than to grab them when we can.


6. Therefore, it is in our interests to try as hard as possible not to put ourselves down, believe in the negative, or obsess on the issue.
This just seems like a no-brainer to me.

-----------------

The point I'm trying to make is that what's important is not how much of a deal hair loss is objectively, since ultimately that's beyond our control. Whether hair loss reduces one's attractiveness by 10% or 80%, there's nothing anyone can do about that fact. Whether it harms your career or it doesn't, you're not in a position to change the situation.

What we can change is how we respond. It's not easy, but it is possible to consciously decide whether to be negative about something, or to let it beat you. I don't believe that there is no choice involved here and that hair loss immediately leads to loss in confidence. There is some thought-process involved in-between these steps.

So even if hair loss affects someone, to allow it to hit your confidence and cause depression is just self-torture. You might sincerely believe that women won't ever want you again, and that you're doomed to loneliness, but if that belief is in itself going to harm your chances even more then it's time to stop believing it, or at the very least to stop dwelling on it and focus elsewhere. Sometimes it's not what your believes are that matters, but what they do to your life.

It just seems a lot of people are condemning themselves to self-torture, in addition to hair loss, and don't see this as something they can control.

 

[Nashville Hairline]

Amen. Be the bald/balding guy who goes out and gets a good career and a good partner (yes they exist) or else be the bald/balding guy who stays home depressed and uses it as an excuse why his life is so awful (yes they also exist). Our choice.

 

[Obsidian]

:bravo: :agree:

 

[Draco88]

So even if hair loss affects someone, to allow it to hit your confidence and cause depression is just self-torture. You might sincerely believe that women won't ever want you again, and that you're doomed to loneliness, but if that belief is in itself going to harm your chances even more then it's time to stop believing it, or at the very least to stop dwelling on it and focus elsewhere. Sometimes it's not what your believes are that matters, but what they do to your life.

It just seems a lot of people are condemning themselves to self-torture, in addition to hair loss, and don't see this as something they can control.

I see the points that you're making and agree with you on them..but that's just how some guys feel about losing their hair. I agree we shouldn't let hair loss deal such a blow to our confidence/self esteem, but, at least for myself, my hair weighs so heavily on my confidence. There's just too much that goes into it all, i don't want to start listing it. I think that if i were in my early 30's and were in the position i am now with my hair loss (i'm 21 btw), i don't imagine i'd care as much, but i'm still young and i still care.

Amen. Be the bald/balding guy who goes out and gets a good career and a good partner (yes they exist) or else be the bald/balding guy who stays home depressed and uses it as an excuse why his life is so awful (yes they also exist). Our choice.

I agree with you too, but i don't think it's just that easy.

 

[Boondock]

^ I think that's a fair point, but I also think you can take control if you want to. I'm not saying that you can stop yourself from feeling bad about it every now and then - that's impossible. What I am saying is that you can choose to shrug off any insults and laugh, to get out there and enjoy yourself, and to go out and have a good time and say screw it whenever you feel bad.

Baldness is really two illnesses, in my view. First there's the hair loss itself, which everybody knows about. Second, there's the self-limiting aspect of it - how much you let it turn into a mental illness/obsession for you. I actually think the second area is the most crippling in hair loss. But it's also the area we have the most control over.

 

[Draco88]

^ I think that's a fair point, but I also think you can take control if you want to. I'm not saying that you can stop yourself from feeling bad about it every now and then - that's impossible. What I am saying is that you can choose to shrug off any insults and laugh, to get out there and enjoy yourself, and to go out and have a good time and say screw it whenever you feel bad.

You're right about that. It is up to the individual, however there are men out there who would put their hair first above all.

Baldness is really two illnesses, in my view. First there's the hair loss itself, which everybody knows about. Second, there's the self-limiting aspect of it - how much you let it turn into a mental illness/obsession for you. I actually think the second area is the most crippling in hair loss. But it's also the area we have the most control over.

I'm still speaking from a NW2 point of view, which i'm somewhat satisfied with since, while you can notice my receding hair line, i can do a good job at covering it up. I do obsess over my hair, but it's something i hope to limit as time goes on.

 

[Hope4hairRedux]

I was speaking to this random guy at a bar last night, he was pretty drunk, and most of what he said was unconnected, unclear babble that I didnt really understand. However, he said one quite profound thing to me - if you want to keep your sanity in this world, never ever spend anytime using any amount of brain power on something that can never be changed. Which makes complete sense.

Its not that simple however. And Boondock, you have to appreciatte that people want to come on to impact to put their emotions out to other people - it works as a sort of therapy - a kind of support group for people with hair loss. Whilst Im not sure if its more useful or more negative to come on here - it does at least serve a purpose. So if you dont want to post in this section thats fine, but this section is the truth, perhaps the subjective truth of each individual - but this is by far the most interesting and intimate part of the whole forum.

If hairloss didnt 'impact' you, there would be no need to go on this forum overall anyway, let alone this section.

As for me - its hard to say where I stand. I am becoming increasingly depressed. Im not sure how much of this relates to hairloss, but Im sure its a big part; one of the consistent and central causes of depression is low self esteem, which I attribute to hairloss. Perhaps I was never particularly confident, perhaps my self esteem was always a little low and hairloss just put the nail in the coffin. I dont know. I think I was just a normal teenager to be honest. Either way, hairloss has changed me for the worse.

If you can accept that a person who has suffered burn attacks across their face are going to have a hard time with their self esteem, then you should be able to accept that some hairloss sufferers will to.

So I dont know. On one level I want to break free from this all. I have kind of 'accepted' hairloss in a sense - but I still havnt recovered my overall confidence or low self esteem - and I feel like I am on a slow downwards spiral. I also feel sometimes that I am going slightly crazy - I dont think I am - but I seem to talk to myself quite a lot on the road.

The ultimate paradox for me is that I have, to a point, accepted hairloss, although I dont know how I will deal with thinning hair, it might deal a final blow to my already fragile and sensitive mind. Thats the crazy thing - I havnt even suffered that much hairloss yet. But anyway I can try and 'accept', but thats not going to immiedattly change my low self esteem or depression. Accepting your fate is going to make it a lot easier to deal with. But accepting my hairloss hasnt changed the long term damage to my self esteem, the long term damage to the deeper fields of my conciouscness. Thats permenant mental damage thats going to be hard to shift and has already changed the way I look at the world and will go on to influence my future.

 

[End_Game]

The fact that we cannot change the situation and should move on is true on a rational level but unfortunately humans are not the most rational people and that's why we judge so much by looks in the first place. it's instinct, visual information. baldness is viewed negatively because of these kneejerk responses. So yeah, how we react to others in the heat of the moment is pivotal to how they will continue to treat us, but the simple FACT is that society is prejudiced against bald men, just as they are against short men. this is also something we cannot change.

Having the right attitude is important because it allows us to take advantage of the few opportunities that do come our way, but our prospects are generally diminished, and THAT, above all else, is a legitimate source of depression and frustration that can never be underestimated. The ability to deal with this varies from person to person.

do i personally like the idea that i'll eventually be a walking target? Do i like the idea that, statistically speaking, 75-80% of my selection pool will disappear and even more if i look bad bald?? This is not a good situation to be in.

To treat baldness like a minor problem is naive.

 

[Hope4hairRedux]

Jesus that's deep, but I can see exactly where your coming from. The biggest concern for me is the way my attitude to life has changed since my self esteem has gone down the pan, I see this year as a year to change and hopefully get used to hair loss and make sure that I can stop it from interfering with my future, which is why I am persisting to shave my head despite my unhappiness with the look. I want to get used to this, and move on with my life. Look around and there are bald men everywhere, and no, not just losers but very successful bald men, walk into any professional workplace and you will find bald guys, some that look good, others that look bad. You know, us young baldies are balding for a reason this early, it's in our genetics - our ancestors got through it and lived good lives and so can we. Honestly, I have to get over it, I know I do because if something like this holds me back for the rest of my life I will forever regret, and I'd rather be dead than live with that.

It's funny because I have two examples to look at in my family of how going bald can affect you. My dad went bald almost as early as me, he got on with his life and was very successful and stayed with my mum for many, many years, then there's my mums boyfriend, he went totally bald by about 26 and he told me that he let it ruin his life for 2 years. He would stay in bed all day, wear hats to sleep in, all sorts and he even said to me that It might take a few years for me to get over it (how encouraging). I know which man I want to follow that's for certain, maybe it never bothered my dad because he wasn't born in the West and grew up with absolutely nothing, hair loss was probably the last of his worries.

Hope4hairredux, have you posted up any pictures?

Hey man, how you doing?

Urm, no I havnt posted any pics. Im a bit hesitant about posting pictures on the web, not because of security reasons just in general, I dont like disclosing to much personal infomation. But I might consider posting something up soon with my face blurred etc.

To be honest, its weird. I havnt lost that much hair - but it has already impacted my looks to quite a bit.

I have a lot of negativity inside me - but Im also seriosly trying to move onwards and upwards. Im trying to create lasting postive change this year. Im aiming to go on holiday/travel at least 2-3 times this year. Start to exercise, learn a language or two, or at least get half way there. Work on my style. Just make more of my life in general. I just often find its a losing battle - I keep returning to square1.

I think I could really do with some sunlight and some more fun in my life. The correlation between over all enviroment and climate with mental health is massive. I live in a very grey, dark enviroment, both in terms of the actual city I live in and the usual weather of the place - it definitely begins to affect one's soul. After university Im hoping to go and live in a few parts of the world for a few years, places which have a good climate, I need to catch up on all that lost sun!

Im not sure how much exactly hairloss effects me, but I know I need work on the roots of my depression - boredom, low self esteem, lack of purpose, challenge etc.

I have accepted hair loss in a sense, but yeah as I said my self esteem and self belief is pretty low. I also have no sex drive, and I never even bother trying it with girls at the moment. My outward social behavior and relations to other people probably come across as fairly normal - Im a fairly talkative, social guy. Its just my inner life is often full of conflict, confusion and suffering. I feel very mentally 'scatty' and all over the place a lot.

I have done some meditation today - I havnt done it in a while. But its a really good way of balancing your body and mind. You feel mentally clearer, and less depressed. I would say depression is essientally a cycle of negative thought patterns - and by meditating this automatically helps this, as you become more focused on the here and now. You kind of 'break out' of your negative pattern. I really feel mentally refreshed and clear headed after that. So, look into it.

I also find writing down my thoughts and feelings is always a useful way to help 'flush' out and clean my mind a bit. I am also writing lists of things I want to achieve and do, both short term and long term. It helps to create a better energy if you give yourself things to look forward to in the future, obvoiusly. Its a simple way of focusing on positive things as opposed to negative.

 

[cuebald]

You from Britain, hope4hair?
When I drive to work the sun is rising, and when I drive home from work the sun is setting.

I used to work in a callcentre (indoors all day) and I'd get depressed in wintertime, never seeing the sun (I'd never see the sun - would arrive before sunrise, and leave after sunset). So I'd spend 5 days completely in artificial light.

Now I have a job on a wide open site so I go out in the fresh air often, it has done wonders for my mood.
Even being in the fresh air can break a cycle of negative thoughts.

I find it good that the UK isn't that looks-obsessed. Nobody will reject you as a job applicant because of hair. I don't get any grief off of strangers. It's just my slim chance with girls that gets me down. Knowing that I'm just another "interchangeable, generic" bald guy. The kind I'd look at when I was a kid and think "boring businessman". (and I'd look upon men with long hair and think "they must enjoy their lives better") :laugh:

 

[Hope4hairRedux]

Yeah you mentioned the traveling and stuff. The only thing I would say if your down and depressed and want to achieve things to try and make you feel better, is be realistic and work on what you have at the moment. You say that you want to try and learn a new language or two, instead I would focus on nailing your university work down, enhancing your social life at home and keeping up the good habits with meditation e.t.c, maybe try and learn one new language, because if you have all these goals and fail to achieve them you will end up feeling worse and worse, it's best to take things one step at a time. You do sound like me in a couple of ways, and I think the hair loss will be having a significant effect on you, post up some pictures man and get some advice on possible treatment because your fear of hair loss sounds quite bad.

Yeah for sure. I guess working on the basics ie uni work, social life, and exercise will be more immiedattely important to my life then say secondary goals, like learning a language.

But yeah. When it comes to losing hair - I have never considered going to down the 'treatment' path. It only drags out the process of it all, and I am firmly against it. I am not depressed all the time - and whilst hairloss is a part of it - I think the fact that I am not doing a lot in day to day life means that my mind is more prone to focusing on sh*t like that - the devil makes work for idle minds as the saying goes.

My low moods have been more frequent recently. Insterestingly enough, my marked lower moods over the last few weeks have correlated with my stopping smoking. Smoking is obvously a very damaging thing - but I think it does more to the brain then some people are willing to accept.

Anyway, yeah Im planning to try and change things around at university, start to take my degree a bit more seriously, socialise a bit more etc, and just work on the basics..

 

[Hope4hairRedux]

You from Britain, hope4hair?
When I drive to work the sun is rising, and when I drive home from work the sun is setting.

I used to work in a callcentre (indoors all day) and I'd get depressed in wintertime, never seeing the sun (I'd never see the sun - would arrive before sunrise, and leave after sunset). So I'd spend 5 days completely in artificial light.

Now I have a job on a wide open site so I go out in the fresh air often, it has done wonders for my mood.
Even being in the fresh air can break a cycle of negative thoughts.

I find it good that the UK isn't that looks-obsessed. Nobody will reject you as a job applicant because of hair. I don't get any grief off of strangers. It's just my slim chance with girls that gets me down. Knowing that I'm just another "interchangeable, generic" bald guy. The kind I'd look at when I was a kid and think "boring businessman". (and I'd look upon men with long hair and think "they must enjoy their lives better") :laugh:

Yeah, its amazing how climate affects us. I am inside quite a lot. I do go outside, a few times a day. But in the english winter I think a few hours is probably nessacery. We get vitamin D from the sun - something which is only in small amounts in food, and is very important. Lack of vitamin D is related to a lot of conditions, and unsuprisingly, depression.

I think highest suicide rate in the world are in the northen hemisphere where there is very little sun. So its interesting. In the summer I usually feel fine, but yeah winter I feel worse.

When I think about it, hair loss isnt so bad in the UK. People are pretty polite and more open minded/liberal when it comes to thinks like hair loss then say in the states. My low moods are to do with my lifestyle as a whole. And hair loss is a part of that but its not the be all and end all.

 

[BrightonBaldy]

some good posts here :agree:

baldness is sh*t, no question about it, but it cant destroy your life directly. all it does is make you look alot worse, can f*** things up if youre young and single when it comes to women, it just makes us live our lives as unattractive guys, theres millions of them out there with hair who do just fine with their careers and social lives.

 

[Boondock]

:agree: A lot of the stuff people have written about here is gold.

Hope4Hair, I've felt like you have a lot of times - and still do occasionally. It's a tough break, and there are no easy answers, or at least there haven't been in my case.

Apart from the points others have made already, one thing I would say is that you usually can't "think" your way out of depressive states. Correct me if I'm wrong here, but you strike me as someone who thinks about things in quite a deep way. You'll go off and try to find the answers - the "why" to how you feel this bad - and hope that you'll hit upon a realization that brings a new dawn.

I would say that more often the answers come when you're looking elsewhere, and that to get out of these states you have to take practical action. Getting more sunlight is one thing, but exercise is another; socializing as much as possible, getting up early, keeping a journal, and so on and so forth. All of these things sound really dumb, but actually have scientific studies showing that they can make people feel better, and do work in my experience. If I feel myself getting depressed these days, I just exercise like hell until I feel better, and as a bonus, it gets you in better shape.

When you're depressed, it's tempting to neglect this stuff and to think and think and think about your problems, but you usually won't get anywhere doing that. If you take action to do something - even as simple as tidy your house - you're taking a step towards getting out of that negative state. And if you still feel depressed, at least you've got a clean house.

I'd like to make a second point as well. It strikes me that you lack a sense of purpose in your life. Most of your posts read like you feel like flotsam being swept along by the waves. If you find a goal, or a purpose, you might find that helps you to put things in order mentally. That could be a particular career, for example, and in fact that'd be a neat goal since you're at university. It doesn't matter so much what it is, as that you have something to give you purpose in life. If you don't have a goal, it's hard to score.


Joe-91
Your posts above are really inspirational for someone your age, and I think you've adapted to your hair loss situation better than you give yourself credit. If you get things back on track this year, I think you'll go back to uni more focused and determined and confident than you'll have been when you went in, and you'll be able to deal with minor crises like essays, girl problems, career worries - the kind of stuff most uni students worry about - like they're water off a duck's back. Hair loss is a pain in the arse, to be sure, but in your case I believe you could prosper from it, and may even look back upon it as a definiting moment in your life. If you weren't losing your hair, you wouldn't grow into the person you're about to become. Hope you stay on track man.

 

[Hope4hairRedux]

Hope4Hair, I've felt like you have a lot of times - and still do occasionally. It's a tough break, and there are no easy answers, or at least there haven't been in my case.

Apart from the points others have made already, one thing I would say is that you usually can't "think" your way out of depressive states. Correct me if I'm wrong here, but you strike me as someone who thinks about things in quite a deep way. You'll go off and try to find the answers - the "why" to how you feel this bad - and hope that you'll hit upon a realization that brings a new dawn.

I would say that more often the answers come when you're looking elsewhere, and that to get out of these states you have to take practical action. Getting more sunlight is one thing, but exercise is another; socializing as much as possible, getting up early, keeping a journal, and so on and so forth. All of these things sound really dumb, but actually have scientific studies showing that they can make people feel better, and do work in my experience. If I feel myself getting depressed these days, I just exercise like hell until I feel better, and as a bonus, it gets you in better shape.

When you're depressed, it's tempting to neglect this stuff and to think and think and think about your problems, but you usually won't get anywhere doing that. If you take action to do something - even as simple as tidy your house - you're taking a step towards getting out of that negative state. And if you still feel depressed, at least you've got a clean house.

I'd like to make a second point as well. It strikes me that you lack a sense of purpose in your life. Most of your posts read like you feel like flotsam being swept along by the waves. If you find a goal, or a purpose, you might find that helps you to put things in order mentally. That could be a particular career, for example, and in fact that'd be a neat goal since you're at university. It doesn't matter so much what it is, as that you have something to give you purpose in life. If you don't have a goal, it's hard to score.

Yeah, your completely right. Its amazing how much the 'small' things can influence our lives. Since new year Ive stopped smoking, and have also been trying hard to stick to an early to bed early to rise regime. Im basically trying to hit all the basics, with the thought that if I can do these key central things, then Im giving my mind and body a big chance to improve.

Im now looking to start exercising again, not furiuosly, but aiming to do something every other day at least, just start of lightly and work upwards.

I do lack purpose - In some senses because there are lots of things that interest me so its hard to feel/think what I should find my purpose to be, but in other senses because not a lot interests me, ironically. I feel however that as I begin to form good habits - waking up early, exercising, meditating, (getting the basic groundwork done) then my life and thoughts will become clearer and more unified, and Ill get nearer to a closer idea of my purpose.

Your very right, in that I have been trying to 'solve' my negative thoughts, through thoughts, which thinking about it now, is rather illogical. So instead, Im going to make a greater effort to take action - again, coming back to the simple every day things, such as being tidy, going to bed early, eating cleanly etc.

I have also realized that I have been spending way too much time on the internet and in my room. I have been quite unaware, strangely, of my habits. Meditating has really helped me to look at my habits. Ive been quite unaware of my actions/habits, and meditating seems to give a much needed 'pause' if you like, where you can slow down the speed of life and actually look at things with a greater awareness.. I really recommend it.

Another thing I plan to change, is limiting the amount of time I spend on the internet and in my room; when I could instead be interacting with humans in the real world.

 

[Hope4hairRedux]

Thanks man, I really hope I can too because I know that this point in my life is critical. If things go wrong now because of self esteem issues particularly, I can bet it will effect the rest of my life for the worse. As bad as being at home is at the moment, being at University wasn't right, the hair loss was messing with me emotionally, and so were propecia side effects as well as the course being boring, I saw myself messing up the first year and things getting worse. The positive thing I can take away is that my flatmates loved me, and I made some great friends being myself with a totally shaved head.

This year I want to become comfortable with myself again, I'm going to be going to Egypt for 3 months in two weeks, It will get boring at times because I will be with my dad but at least I'm getting away (I love traveling), it will be hot, and I will have plenty of time to get into certain things. Oh yeah, and I get to be reminded of the harsh reality of life in less economically developed countries. If your born looking like David Beckham it doesn't matter, if your poor your f***ed there, every time I go there I realize how lucky I am. If all goes well and I'm feeling better by next summer, University will be the turning point in September. I have wanted to get away from this town for years, and when the opportunity has came I have started to go bald.

Not getting out hasn't done me any good, I might go to Birmingham tomorrow just to get away, do some shopping and see people. Plus, when your trapped inside you can't be reminded of all the bald guys living good lives out there!

Yeah , thats another thing that stresses me - its the fact that this point (early 20's) is a critical moment of our lives. Im not sure why that is exactly, although I have heard it from people before - but I guess these are our first steps as adults - so the way go about things now will lay the groundwork for the rest of our lives. Whats most important is being happy or at least being moderately happy and stable, whatever we are doing, so if that means changing scenery or lifestyle in a big way then so be it. Change is important in helping people to mature and think in new ways.

You seem to have taken some real action in your life, leaving uni, going to egpyt etc. So your definitly on a good path, youve made some big decisions and that shows bravery on your part, the plan sounds good, Im sure going away will really help you put things in perspective, take a nice rest etc and really see something other than grey, miserable england.

Im planning to getaway as much as possible this year. Maybe go to south america/far east over summer. What I think is important is building a positive momentum, so my aim is to have some big things planned to look forward to. I need to pop this university bubble and break the mould. You feel so much more alive when you are in new territories.