Dark days

[Hope4hairRedux]

I never thought at age 20 Id be such a suicidal mess. How the f*** did I ever reach this point?

Ive spent the last 9 days on holiday - trying to renew my perspective on life, trying to get out of this dark state that Im in. That dark state that gets worse and worse. But the really profound thing was that I didnt get to the bottom of my suffering on holiday. Sure - I relaxed a little. I was able to shift my attention, almost automatically as I was in a new place. And I kind of forgot about myself as a result. But even on holiday - by about the 3rd or 4rth day my depression and dark states started to shift back as my new enviroment became more normal.

But yeah, I didnt manage to actually realise or know why or what the actual basis of my suffering was. And the really profound thing was that as soon as I got back home, I opened my heart up to my mum.. I dont know what I would
do without her in some ways. She really tells it like it is. She knows me better then anyone.

Anyway, the root of the conversation was that I didnt enjoy college life. The 'conclusion' was that I admitted that I wanted a girlfriend - that I am essientally lonely.

And is that the root of it all? Well..Kind of..We all know what the f*****g root of this fuckery is. The root of all this is that we are going bald and ugly. And because I am going bald and ugly, both my confidence and self esteem
gets lower as does my actual root attractivness. This effect is lethal.

Its a sad situation really. we all have pyschological suffering in differing forms and degrees. But hairloss. I dont know, its just really in a different league for me. For a normal - can be confident - can be shy - in the middle
of the way type guy, hairloss can be a real deal breaker.

And Im really sure that its a major root cause of my low self esteem/low confidence( which may also have been affected by less girls actually approaching me, giving me positive comments, over all interest etc).
That low self esteem doesnt just equal less girl luck/relationship possibilty/reality etc, but it sucks for overall life.

Low self esteem = no girlfriend. No girlfriend = depression and loneliness.

Depression and loniless then further fuel low self esteem, and it circle is created.

More than a circle, but a soul destroying dark vortex sucking me into hell.

male pattern baldness has massively scarred me. Massively. Im sure of it now. If anything - this time away has showed me that. Before I felt like it was something I was getting used to or 'accepting'. But if anything, Ive only realized that its a
really big mental pain for me, and it was just that it was starting to become 'normal' for me. And that normal means being depressed on a day to day basis, suicidally depressed. It was just that because I lived my day to day life in such a zombie state that I had forgetten just how mentally toxic hair loss is to me. And its only since Ive come back, that Ive realized again just how much of an impact hairloss has been for me.

Im not asking to look like a model. I just dont want to look like a freak. I want my face to have some basic proportion. Receeding hairines look scruffy, unkempt, unhealthy, and generally, f*****g sh*t. God this sucks.

Although I didnt tell my mum about the hair loss itself as it being the problem of my low self esteem, she encouraged me a lot to try again with girls. She wants me to regain my confidence/self esteem in life, and she thinks that getting a girlfriend will help me with this. And to be honest, I have been trying. Maybe not hard enough. I dont know. Im not even sure if a girlfriend will cure me of being so suicidally depressed.

But I do think this; my depression comes from a deep sense of worthlessness and low self esteem - one of the root causes being my hairloss. If I can get a girlfriend, then maybe this well help. However, because im in such a
dark circle, I dont think any1 would be attracted to me looks wise or personality wise, and so the deep suffering continues.

f*** my life. Suicide is becoming an increasingly realistic option for me right now.

 

[Thickandthin]

Given your current mental state, getting a girlfriend should be the absolute last thing on your mind. You need to work on yourself and your mental health first.

If you aren't already in therapy, start now. You seem to have serious depression and BDD, and a therapist can help you with those problems. They can also work with you to start correcting negative thought cycles that you are getting stuck in.

But seriously - if hair loss is bothering you this much, get on finasteride. I know you aren't currently taking it due to whatever personal reasons you may have, but sometimes you just have to make sacrifices. Even if you do get side effects, most are relatively mild compared to the possible benefit of hair maintenance/regrowth (which, in your case, would probably be highly beneficial for your self-esteem). But it's really up to you, man.

 

[Nashville Hairline]

Yeah, get help ASAP.

 

[uncomfortable man]

It's depression. I know because I have it too. I've got what you've got minus the hair. I know that I was depressed and had BDD long before I went bald but damn, loosing my hair on top of that has been undescribable mental anguish. It's hard not to get sucked into that dark void when you have a 400lb gorilla on your back all the time.

 

[Hope4hairRedux]

Given your current mental state, getting a girlfriend should be the absolute last thing on your mind. You need to work on yourself and your mental health first.

If you aren't already in therapy, start now. You seem to have serious depression and BDD, and a therapist can help you with those problems. They can also work with you to start correcting negative thought cycles that you are getting stuck in.

I agree. I was trying to tell my mum that I am seriously unhappy with my life. And I kind of felt she neglected the essence of what I was trying to tell her.

Her idea is that I need to be 'having fun with girls' and have a girlfriend etc, and that everything will be magically better and that I can change everything in my mind etc. But I really cant. Im having some pretty bad mental problems at the moment and I am going to make the next step and see someone I think.

I just dont think these problems will ever be solved. I am unhappy because I am becoming ugly.

 

[Nene]

You need to get help man. I've told you many times. Do yourself a favor, anti-depressants can work wonders or if you don't like drugs, therapy can be helpful as well. Also, I once read an article that cited a study where working out was shown to be as effective as medication in relieving depression. Let's call it the big 3 of depression and you need as many of them as possible ASAP. I'm really confident that you can rebound from this, but just wishing it away and writing your feelings on this forum isn't going to do it. Depression needs to be treated like any disease. It sucks you're going bald but there is little you can do other than the big 3 and trying to accept it. With some effort you can bust out of those negative thought cycles and regain some self-esteem. Once you're happier, I think your chances of finding a girl will become much better, and having a girl will in turn make you happier.

 

[superfrankie]

It was just that because I lived my day to day life in such a zombie state that I had forgetten just how mentally toxic hair loss is to me. .

Im familiar with the zombie state. You live thorugh the day and shut down your emotional system pretending everything is alright when you eventually realise that is not the case. And it repeats over and over again.

 

[superfrankie]

Given your current mental state, getting a girlfriend should be the absolute last thing on your mind. You need to work on yourself and your mental health first.

If you aren't already in therapy, start now. You seem to have serious depression and BDD, and a therapist can help you with those problems. They can also work with you to start correcting negative thought cycles that you are getting stuck in.

I just dont think these problems will ever be solved. I am unhappy because I am becoming ugly.

Do not take meds. Ive been there, does not work. It cant change the way you see yourself in the mirror. Remember that. A shrink? Its bullshit (from own experience) but at least you can try but dont be suprised if they cant change the way you feel about your apperance (which indeed is the real problem here). You may feel in a good state in the beginning (a relief to speak out a bit) but reality will come back to you eventually and you will be back where you are today. That is why this situation sucks ***. You feel helpless.

Yeah, you are unhappy because youre becoming ugly (I know your mom will not agree with me. lol). I am also unhappy cause the fact that Ive become an obsolete looking 21 y old dude. Most of my attractiveness has vanished. So lets cut the bullshit, be honest about ourselfs and realise that our current ugliness is the key to our unhappiness. Our ugliness is what destroys us in EVERY area of life. Its only by changing the way we see ourselfs in the mirror that this hell can come to an end. But its not easy since the problem is there all the time staring us in the eyes and never goes away. Our face (incl hair) is our social contact surface to the surrounding world. That is why issues like acne or hair loss is a problem for people.

 

[Smooth]

Its easy, you need to do 2 things :
1) seek professional help
2) STAY AWAY FROM THESE FORUMS! they suck you in deeper..
gl.

 

[superfrankie]

If youre having problems staying away from these forums you can always make a ban request to the moderators. I think about it myself. But seriously, I would have the same problems today even though I was not here. Infact I would feel even more lonely than I feel atm. There are simply NO people in my age who understands and can relate to what Im going through right now.

 

[Smooth]

Come here when you need to take a load off your shoulders and leave, this is what these forums are for, to make you KNOW your not alone in that fucked up situation.... (thats the reason i hate that slybladguys website and its alikes, because the "sell Bs" instead of being supportive )

 

[superfrankie]

Come here when you need to take a load off your shoulders and leave, this is what these forums are for, to make you KNOW your not alone in that f***ed up situation.... (thats the reason i hate that slybladguys website and its alikes, because the "sell Bs" instead of being supportive )

Very true Smooth.

Yeah, I hate SlyDenialGuys aswell. I cant stand the overmucho american attitude in there. I got banned, f*****g BANNED!!!?? when I tried to be more realistic about the whole hair loss-situation. What a load off bullshit.

 

[uncomfortable man]

Im familiar with the zombie state.

Bald guys are kinda like zombies. With hair we are percieved as normal people but once we start to turn, and change into a bald man then society turns on us. They are colder and more cruel to us because they honestly see us as inferior. It is an unwelcomed transformation that must be prevented at all costs, because in this society good looks are like currency and us bald guys have no chance because we are like disgusting zombies to them.

Given your current mental state, getting a girlfriend should be the absolute last thing on your mind. You need to work on yourself and your mental health first.

If you aren't already in therapy, start now. You seem to have serious depression and BDD, and a therapist can help you with those problems. They can also work with you to start correcting negative thought cycles that you are getting stuck in.

I just dont think these problems will ever be solved. I am unhappy because I am becoming ugly.

Do not take meds. Ive been there, does not work. It cant change the way you see yourself in the mirror. Remember that. A shrink? Its bullshit (from own experience) but at least you can try but dont be suprised if they cant change the way you feel about your apperance (which indeed is the real problem here). You may feel in a good state in the beginning (a relief to speak out a bit) but reality will come back to you eventually and you will be back where you are today. That is why this situation sucks ***. You feel helpless.

Yeah, you are unhappy because youre becoming ugly (I know your mom will not agree with me. lol). I am also unhappy cause the fact that Ive become an obsolete looking 21 y old dude. Most of my attractiveness has vanished. So lets cut the bullshit, be honest about ourselfs and realise that our current ugliness is the key to our unhappiness. Our ugliness is what destroys us in EVERY area of life. Its only by changing the way we see ourselfs in the mirror that this hell can come to an end. But its not easy since the problem is there all the time staring us in the eyes and never goes away. Our face (incl hair) is our social contact surface to the surrounding world. That is why issues like acne or hair loss is a problem for people.

You hit the nail on the f*****g head. Very true. Very relevant. Thank you SF. Your understanding of this makes all the bullshiters on this site worth it to deal with!

Its easy, you need to do 2 things :
1) seek professional help
2) STAY AWAY FROM THESE FORUMS! they suck you in deeper..
gl.

Yet you return...but thanks for the public service announcement smooth. :jackit:

 

[superfrankie]

CM : You hit the nail on the f****ing head. Very true. Very relevant. Thank you SF. Your understanding of this makes all the bullshiters on this site worth it to deal with!

Probably my most true and conrete post in here. Im tired of living a lie. It was time to write down the true words of how I feel. I consider saving it as a word document just to remember myself what really is the issue about this whole situation. Living in denial is way more destructive than facing the truth. The questions we have to ask ourselfs are: Where are we blocked and why? We all have to be honest about our true feelings.

 

[qball01]

CM : You hit the nail on the f****ing head. Very true. Very relevant. Thank you SF. Your understanding of this makes all the bullshiters on this site worth it to deal with!

Probably my most true and conrete post in here. Im tired of living a lie. It was time to write down the true words of how I feel. I consider saving it as a word document just to remember myself what really is the issue about this whole situation. Living in denial is way more destructive than facing the truth. The questions we have to ask ourselfs are: Where are we blocked and why? We all have to be honest about our true feelings.

yeah but you don't think somebody like U-man is just as much in denial? A guy who looks great bald and is in his mid thirties but is nevertheless convinced that people everywhere are stopping in their tracks to stare and laugh at him because....gosh....HES BALD! Does that sound like a logical, realistic outlook to you? He is way more deluded than "sly denial guys"....they may be wrong in saying everybody looks great with a shaved head, but ultimately their purpose is to spread the message that while going bald may be initially devastating....it does not mean that life is over...for them, head shaving is a way of dealing with the problem without resorting to other extensive and expensive measures. On the other hand...you have a man who will argue to the DEATH that he cannot do or achieve anything meaningful in life because he is bald despite the fact that there are millions of counter arguments out there in the form of bald men who are living happy, successful lives. Because a slight social prejudice exists towards baldness (mostly on a joking level) (and one which has actually become significantly less prevalent over the past couple of decades) he takes that to mean that the entire world HATES him and judges him as inferior. He refuses to believe that qualities such as personality and social skills could override this apparently intense social prejudice that people have towards baldness and that people could actually like him regardless of his hair status. In all honesty IMO he has a pathetic and skewed outlook on life and is not somebody you should want to be conversing and agreeing with in the least. As I have said before....psychologically, he is now so COMFORTABLE with being "bald and persecuted" that he actually doesn't want to change....because change is scary and uncomfortable and uncertain. By convincing himself that the world harbours this pervasive, all-powerful hatred towards baldness, he doesn't have to be responsible for his own success in life...its MUCH easier to say "I'm bald so it wouldn't work out anyways because being bald is a massive roadblock to success and I can't change being bald...so I guess I don't have to do anything positive for myself....cool, I'll just complain instead about how much being bald sucks!"

The one thing that somebody like this fails to realize is that the real world isn't Hollywood! There are a lot of "unattractive" people out there or even attractive people who have flaws. Not everybody is a model and it isn't only good looking people who experience success. The truly successful people are the one's who are willing to step outside and face reality regardless of how many pricks there are out there...they are willing to work hard for what they want and find a way even when negative things (such as losing hair) arise....they also realize that who they are consists of much more than their f*****g hair...and while losing it may suck, it doesn't mean they lose their right to be happy and successful. Ultimately, they take RESPONSIBILITY for their own fate in life regardless of what happens....the losers on the other hand...are the people who play the "victim" and blame everything or everybody else for why they can't achieve what they want. They always have an ironclad excuse (such as...I'm bald! Society hates bald people no matter what!) for why things don't work out. They live in their own little world because they're too afraid of getting hurt...this is exactly the path I'm trying to avoid....you should be as well....so listening to a whiner like U-man isn't going to help you out in life, even if you're convinced hes "being realistic and telling it like it is"....there is no "like it is!" You can't make a massive generalization for what happens to somebody when they go bald....every single person and their situation is different from another person and their situation. U-man tries to make it seem like there is a universal truth that bald = bad because misery loves company and he doesn't want to acknowledge the negative effects of baldness are HIS problem and not the problem of every bald person.

make no mistake though....I only single him out because he is a prototype of your typical "victim/negative thinker." He actually represents a lot of people out there....those who will always find a negative reason or excuse to shield themselves from being personally responsible for their own lives.

 

[Hope4hairRedux]

Hey everyone, thanks for all the support. First of, I think it was really careless talking about suicide like that. Whilst I do sometimes get those thoughts - and do need to seek help - I feel ultimately quite bad to bring that extreme negativity on to these forums.

I agree that it may make matters worse on by coming on here. But I do believe having outlets like these can be beneficial. Writing down your thoughts does in a way release the negative pressure inside you and I do think it has a benefit. However, I do agree that I may need to consider more serious modes of treatments.

When I say treatments, as someone said, exercise will be a big 1, and therapy. But no meds. f*** meds. meds just hide the symptoms but dont treat the root cause of the problem.

The root cause of the problem, of my depression, is basically to do with my low self esteem and self worth. I have told my mum before about my hair loss, it was a pretty big talk, and afterwards I felt a lot better, so perhaps that is what regular therapy might be like, a serious outlet with someone on a regular basis. Therapy is essientally letting out all your inner demons to someone. Where as in the real world, its just sadly not the case where you can be open with people like that...but perhaps i should try being more open with close friends..

I guess I often feel reluctant to actually admit to people that hair loss is a major root cause in my depressive moods. It would seem to a lot of people quite a vain thing. I think a really fundemental thing is this. Imagine a girl starts having a receeding hairline. It would be hell for her. So I dont see why people cant see how mentally hard going bald is for a bloke. And at any age as well.

 

[Hope4hairRedux]

There are other reasons and elements to my depression. I think its hard sometimes, intellectually, to say exactly why and what the reasons are. Sometimes things are the way they are. I know that I dont enjoy my college life a great deal, I get very bored which then results in depressive states. I dont like the energy of the place, it is a very bleak, ugly, souless place to me. Its rare to get any sunshine.

So my hair loss is a major part of it. But I also feel my enviroment is a big part too. My mum has this iron attitide that a person should be able to enjoy any enviroment they are in, and that they should just be grateful for living. Whilst as an ideal its essientally 'true', I dont think we can always apply this idea. After all, humans are simply humans.

Enviroment is very important. The friends we have there. The atmosphere and energy of the place. The architecture and asthetics of the place. I really beleive in my case, the enviroment also played a big part in my depressive states/depression. Also, my lifestyle in this enviroment. The fact that my general routine has often been wake up late, do little through out the day etc.

I am sadly 'trapped' at this university and this town for a year and a half. Whilst I could leave, Im quite far into my course now, so to pull out now would mean a lot of wasted time. In the end, it will all be wasted time. I dont even enjoy my course. arggh. But Im not sure if I want to go through the motions of starting somewhere else. Another 3 years. I just want to get this sh*t done.

 

[Hope4hairRedux]

Hey man,

Im doing American Studies and History. It doesnt sound that bad. Its just I dont really have much personal interest/passion for it. Its very anayltical and leaves very little space for creative expression. To me its a very sober exercise of extracting infomation from books and academic articales and then typing that infomation onto a screen in a different way.

When I chose university and course, I didnt really think ' what uni/course will I be happiest doing?'. At the time I just did my course because I was good at history, not so much because I actually enjoyed it. And I looked round several universities and none of them particularly appealed to me. So I eventually chose Nottingham.

How things going with you..? I went away for a week to France to see some friends, it was good, and my suffering was relieved, but it was weird..As soon as I got back in the UK my heart sunk, and it felt like nothing had been changed.

So going away may not always solve problems. It may however give us better perceptions and solutions to how we can solve them..For me, it was the realization, when I got back, that hairloss was still at the forefront of my depression. I had been depressed in that uni enviroment for ages, and it took me a while to actually even come to terms as to why I was feeling depressed. However, I was only away for a week. If your going somewhere for a few months it will really help you to become anew as a person, to change and loosen your concepts and perceptions. Not to mention, if you go somewhere hot, good regular sunshine is actually a proven cure for depression, as well as getting a tan which really helps counter hair loss.

 

[Smooth]

few things
a) i tried talking with my family and friends and i want to tell you; you are very lucky that you can talk with your mom and she understands you (i stopped because EVERYONE i try to talk with saying that its all in my head.... yeah right :jackit: )
b) to break the "cycle" something has to change, maybe you wont hit acceptance but you should try to focus on things that make you happy, you cant "eliminate" the problem itself so maybe more appropriate approach would be to ignore the consequences of going bald, forget about girls for a while, forget about socializing, and focus on your grades, family, work, dedicate some time for doing things that you like (sports and hobbies), just do things that makes you happy (a "happy person" attracts people no matter how he looks , i think people want to be around "happy people" as if they hope will catch that happiness too )
c) guys on here that telling you that therapy wont work (or it didn't work for them) usually thought that the therapies will make them forget about the baldness or "fix" the problem and they will feel grate again... that state of mind is the key the treatment failure, going to therapies wont fix your baldness nor the way you feel about it, rather should help you acquire the "tools" to deal with it!!!! and thus be more happy and successful human-being. (but you probably know all this, just needed to hear that from someone else )
you are an extremely intelligent individual, and that's why i think you will get the most out of going to some sort of therapy (appose to some other people on this board tho tells you its a waste of time), you should seriously do it...

 

[Smooth]

[

Its easy, you need to do 2 things :
1) seek professional help
2) STAY AWAY FROM THESE FORUMS! they suck you in deeper..
gl.

Yet you return...but thanks for the public service announcement smooth. :jackit:

Coming from you only reinforces what im trying to say say.... i think im a MUCH MUCH more down to earth and "happy person" then ever was in the last 15 years (or since you started going bald) and that fact PERFECTLY inflicts from comparing our posts here (half a post a day coming from myself, while you post here average 2 and half posts a day.... thats 5 times more then me!!)

im not complete with my hair loss and i dont think ill ever be, i come here to be supportive and reading stories like h4hrs that i can relate to makes me feel abit better and by trying to help people that come on here im actually trying to help myself rather then sit all day and feeling sh*t about myself and doing nothing to try and change!!

(ohh... and yeah :jackit: the fact that you this all day long is not even relate to how you look, you know you look good, you just enjoy being miserable, but i gave up on you long time ago, your problem is not hair lose nor bdd, you think that random people on the street are pointing and looking at you 24/7.... they call this "PARANOIA" and its a severe mental state that HAS to be treated from the root and the only cure is seeking professional help, but you too damn stubborn and locked in your own state of mind... so i assume that deep down you kinda like it... so enjoy and the last time im wasting my breathe on you)