Dark days

[Hope4hairRedux]

few things
a) i tried talking with my family and friends and i want to tell you; you are very lucky that you can talk with your mom and she understands you (i stopped because EVERYONE i try to talk with saying that its all in my head.... yeah right :jackit: )
b) to break the "cycle" something has to change, maybe you wont hit acceptance but you should try to focus on things that make you happy, you cant "eliminate" the problem itself so maybe more appropriate approach would be to ignore the consequences of going bald, forget about girls for a while, forget about socializing, and focus on your grades, family, work, dedicate some time for doing things that you like (sports and hobbies), just do things that makes you happy (a "happy person" attracts people no matter how he looks , i think people want to be around "happy people" as if they hope will catch that happiness too )
c) guys on here that telling you that therapy wont work (or it didn't work for them) usually thought that the therapies will make them forget about the baldness or "fix" the problem and they will feel grate again... that state of mind is the key the treatment failure, going to therapies wont fix your baldness nor the way you feel about it, rather should help you acquire the "tools" to deal with it!!!! and thus be more happy and successful human-being. (but you probably know all this, just needed to hear that from someone else )
you are an extremely intelligent individual, and that's why i think you will get the most out of going to some sort of therapy (appose to some other people on this board tho tells you its a waste of time), you should seriously do it...

Thanks man. Looking at hairloss in an objective way, its like this; You lose hair. There is nothing you can do about it. It is making you uglier. Somewhat, depending on other factors. So you have to try and change your perceptions. But how can you change your perceptions when the reality of your situation is broadcast through your eyes every time you look at your reflection? I think ultimately, thats why hairloss can be so hard to deal with. We are our bodies. We cant transform our hairloss. We can only try and transform our perceptions.

The reality of my situation is just like anyone else's - I had my share of suffering, of happiness etc. But I was a normal guy. Then hairloss comes along and starts to literally take away my attractiveness. The reality is that most bald guys simply dont look good bald.

I'm increasingly thinking about entering the spiritual life, ie becoming a buddhist monk. Its something I have had an aptitude for since I have been young - I have always drifted to the more creative, spiritual side of life, as opposed to making money, getting married and living a normal life. However, Im thinking about doing that later on, maybe around 35. I want to be 'in the world' for a while - I want to somehow make good of my enviroment and my oppurtunities. I just feel now Im losing my hair that chasing women and living that type of life isnt going to work for me. In the end, that type of life doesnt work for anyone anyway.

It always comes down to the basics. Even therapy, psychotherapy, its all working on your mind to lessen your suffering. Right now, exercise is a fundemental that I have really been neglecting. Eating well. Going on holiday more. Trying to create a happy enviroment as possible to live in.. So, Im going to continue to work on the basics.

We have to try and plant positive seeds in our life. Good friends, good health etc.

 

[Boondock]

yeah but you don't think somebody like U-man is just as much in denial? A guy who looks great bald and is in his mid thirties but is nevertheless convinced that people everywhere are stopping in their tracks to stare and laugh at him because....gosh....HES BALD! Does that sound like a logical, realistic outlook to you? He is way more deluded than "sly denial guys"....they may be wrong in saying everybody looks great with a shaved head, but ultimately their purpose is to spread the message that while going bald may be initially devastating....it does not mean that life is over...for them, head shaving is a way of dealing with the problem without resorting to other extensive and expensive measures. On the other hand...you have a man who will argue to the DEATH that he cannot do or achieve anything meaningful in life because he is bald despite the fact that there are millions of counter arguments out there in the form of bald men who are living happy, successful lives. Because a slight social prejudice exists towards baldness (mostly on a joking level) (and one which has actually become significantly less prevalent over the past couple of decades) he takes that to mean that the entire world HATES him and judges him as inferior.

I'm with this. ^

Who's more in denial: the person who thinks hairloss isn't a problem at all, or the person who believes the whole world is against them because of it?

The reality is that hairloss is a handicap, but probably not as severe a problem as most of us fear it is.

Some people might laugh, some girls might be turned off, and you might look less attractive by perhaps 1-4 points (depending on how much it "suits" you).

This is a big deal, but there are plenty of things you can do to compensate for it. You can develop your personality, work on your career, get some new interests, improve your looks in other areas (such as your style), work out, simply approach more women, and on and on and on.

In the end what determines whether it wrecks your life or whether you prevail is how you respond to it. There are hundreds of successful bald people - and hundreds of miserable bald people - as a testament to this. You can take whichever examples you want. The difference between them is not how much it "suits" them, or how young it hit them. It's how big or small a man these people are, and how willing they were to take the problem, to say "F*ck this", and to refuse to let their lives be ruined because of it.

I have some sympathy for people like UC, but ultimately I don't believe them when they claim that hairloss is responsible for their unhappiness. Frankly I think this is an excuse, and evidence that they're just unwilling to make a stand and fight for their own wellbeing and success.

The only question you have to ask yourself is: which group am I going to be in? Will hairloss wreck my life or just be a setback on the road? The choice is yours to make.

 

[superfrankie]

CM : You hit the nail on the f****ing head. Very true. Very relevant. Thank you SF. Your understanding of this makes all the bullshiters on this site worth it to deal with!

Probably my most true and conrete post in here. Im tired of living a lie. It was time to write down the true words of how I feel. I consider saving it as a word document just to remember myself what really is the issue about this whole situation. Living in denial is way more destructive than facing the truth. The questions we have to ask ourselfs are: Where are we blocked and why? We all have to be honest about our true feelings.

He refuses to believe that qualities such as personality and social skills could override this apparently intense social prejudice that people have towards baldness and that people could actually like him regardless of his hair status.

Ultimately, they take RESPONSIBILITY for their own fate in life regardless of what happens....the losers on the other hand...are the people who play the "victim" and blame everything or everybody else for why they can't achieve what they want. They always have an ironclad excuse (such as...I'm bald! Society hates bald people no matter what!) for why things don't work out. They live in their own little world because they're too afraid of getting hurt...this is exactly the path I'm trying to avoid....you should be as well....so listening to a whiner like U-man isn't going to help you out in life, even if you're convinced hes "being realistic and telling it like it is"....there is no "like it is!"

Yes, personality and social skills can override most of the problems but not when it comes to getting a girl in my age seeing you and say "omg, his hot"! That is my biggest problem. I want to get the same response as I did before and I know I cant and that frickin hurts inside.

Dont get me wrong though. I try HARD. Im fighting with things I feel passion for. Music is one of them. Sports another. I have managed to get very good grades despite that Ive been feeling terrible. I have fought very hard cause I will never accept defeat. Im basically fighting about my life here. Im not feeling very well but being able to do the things I do atm is a sign of strength to me. My no matter what I do I still want to live out my youth like any other young lad (dating girls etc) but its so damn harder now. That is where I feel like a victim. And unfortunately this area is what I feel is very important today.

 

[barcafan]

you're depressed, and this isnt "you". You need to see a good doctor

 

[Maelstrom]

Hi Hope4Hair,

I also am prone to depression, yes even suicidal depression because of losing my hair. I had severe acne in my teens and all the way into my early 30's. From 20 on I also had psoriasis. It is scalp psoriasis that terrifies me the most. Guys on here think that going bald alone is bad enough. I'm trying to deal with that plus knowing that under my hair lies red, angry, flakey scabs. I'm sure you can all see why I would be pretty desperate about keeping some coverage right?

Anyway, that's just so you know that you are not alone in getting so down about this. You are far from being on your own.

I think if you are feeling this badly about your hair loss then you should reconsider taking finasteride. I would ask yourself this: could the side-effects really be worse than the way I am feeling right now? What if the hair loss meds worked quite well for you - how differently would you feel then? It's got to be worth a try before ending your life hasn't it?

As for dealing with depression, well that's gonna be hard. It is a sonofabitch to have as an enemy. How do you fight your own mind?

If you can though I would recommend excerising, especially outdoors if you can. Plenty of fresh air can help too. You posted about your environment contributing to depression. I'm with you on that one. Can you get away to more pleasant environments on the weekend maybe?

Therapy can help - a little. As anti-depressants can help - a little.

A book such as Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy by David Burns might be a place to start and may offer an insight as to whether you would benefit from more therapy 1 on 1 with a counselor.

Lastly, if things become desperate don't rule out meds. My attitude has always been that if you are that desperate - what do you have to lose?

Oh, you are doing well to talk to your family and friends too if you can. Take what you can from the support on this forum too. Good luck matey.

 

[Draco88]

Hope4hairRedux, i can sense a lot of heart wrenching pain in your post, and i'm sure many of us can relate to you. Feeling suicidal isn't at all good, and i'd suggest to find other things to occupy your mind with. It's unfortunate that we have to go through this, and especially at our young ages. It sucks big time. Why don't you start a treatment program? Many recommend the 'big 3' on this forum; that's what i'm seriously considering this coming month.