Dealing with a cheater.

[Ori83]

Well, how do you guys deal with a cheater? specially when its someone that you love.?

you break all contact? you seek revenge? you try to work it out? ... whats the game plan here? :dunno:

and as for the feelings inside.. if this happened to you in the past.. were you sad? or you didnt care ? did you move on fast?


(to cure ones curiosity... im in a place where the first time in my life a girl cheated on me... and she came clean... ill let you guys in on how i choose to deal with her later on )

 

[DoctorHouse]

Personally, I would get rid of cheater no matter how much I have invested in them. I always believe once a cheater, they will always be a cheater. The fact that they cheated on you means they don't have good morals and ethics. Secondly, if they were totally satisfied with you, they would not need to cheat. Revenge is not the answer. Just get rid of them and close that chapter of your life forever. However, find out why they cheated so you can recognize that the next time your relationship is in danger. Think of it as a learning experience. When I date, I always let them know, I like honesty. If you want to cheat on me, please let me know before hand so I can end the relationship. If we agree to have an open relationship, then that would be different.

 

[Ori83]

When I date, I always let them know, I like honesty. If you want to cheat on me, please let me know before hand so I can end the relationship. If we agree to have an open relationship, then that would be different.

:] 100% agree! im doing this aswell, i mean the logic behind cheating is so simple..you dont want to be with someone - you tell them, and you go f*** someone else.. i never forced anyone to be in any relationship with me, so i make it clear on the start...

However, find out why they cheated so you can recognize that the next time your relationship is in danger.

although i've done that, i dont think anyone should bother... its pointless, there is nothing to fix since you can only be yourself in relationship.. as i see it, its all about acceptance, if you dont like the person your with, just leave and find someone that fits...

mm.. but basically you say you wouldn't give that person a chance even if you love them?... some things worth fighting for DoctorHouse (if not love then what?!..)

 

[Cassin]

It's a personality type that will never change. The stain never goes away in the relationship.

 

[DoctorHouse]

mm.. but basically you say you wouldn't give that person a chance even if you love them?... some things worth fighting for DoctorHouse (if not love then what?!..)

How can you love someone that does not love you back the same way. If she loved you as much as you loved her, she would have never cheated on you. You can't have true love without trust and honesty. Cheating is not a sign of love. You are now always going to have to worry if she will do it again. I don't think loving a cheater is worth fighter for. If you love her, let her go. She wants to move on anyway. She is weak and when temptation strikes, she goes for it. She obvious puts her own needs before yours. She obviously is not marriage material. You gave her your heart and she broke it. Loving someone with a broken heart is a losing battle.

 

[Ori83]

Sorry, i never said i'd fight for it, just raising some questions that in my head, your giving me some good insights Doctorhouse , thanks !

 

[HughJass]

People make mistakes, act selfishly and thoughtlessly without any consideration of the harm they are doing. Nobody is perfect.


I don't really believe in the idea that if someone makes a mistake they should pay for it for the rest of their lives. Nobody wins in that situation. It's more important that they've reformed their character.


Trouble is, how do you tell if she is genuine? It's pretty disturbing to read studies like that one I posted in the other thread showing how women lied more than men about cheating and didn't feel bad about it. WTF ladies.


Tough call. One thing is for sure- if your decision to forgive or not is made out of fear (don't want to be alone so you just overlook what she has done) or anger or hurt then it's going to be a bad one that you'll probably regret.


Wait till the dust has settled IMO then decide. Good luck!

 

[Ori83]

Thanks for the input Aussie, reading your other posts im quite suprised you suggest forgivness might be in place.

i was thinking what would happen if i found out my wife is cheating... man.. its a hell to go through... and there are alot of men out there dealing with a cheating wife! while they provide and work their ***'s so she can lead an easy life........... you know... i think in some cases, i would consider revenge... luckily im not married.. but who knows how i would react than....

 

[Cassin]

People make mistakes, act selfishly and thoughtlessly without any consideration of the harm they are doing. Nobody is perfect

It's not like she's going to jail for a crime. It's about getting rid of untrustworthy people in your life that drag you down.

 

[Ori83]

People make mistakes, act selfishly and thoughtlessly without any consideration of the harm they are doing. Nobody is perfect

It's not like she's going to jail for a crime. It's about getting rid of untrustworthy people in your life that drag you down.

Its a rare thing (well.. for me at least) to have a good connection with a girl, even a cheater... its not enough to forgive, but enough to make you... desperate i guess :dunno:
i've been around im telling you, looks is more common then intelligence... by far ... ha/

 

[Cassin]

Their is not a strong connection with a cheater. At least a mutual one.

 

[HughJass]

It's not like she's going to jail for a crime. It's about getting rid of untrustworthy people in your life that drag you down.

That's a fair point. But people aren't perfect either. Surely everyone is entitled to a mistake?

and if they are genuinely sorry and learn from it then it seems pretty rash to cut the cord on principle without really considering things...

Their is not a strong connection with a cheater. At least a mutual one.

Hard to argue with that.


But she *did* confess. I think that counts for something.

 

[HughJass]

It would probably help if we knew the context around her cheating Ori.


A one-night drunken fling is much different to more involved romance that went on for an extended time.


One is easier to forgive than the other.

 

[Cassin]

And I don't mean to bash Ori83's gal. I'm speaking in generalities here. And from what I've seen from friends and what I've personally been through its just a predictible indicator. It doesn't mean the person is horrible, just not someone who should be a partner.

 

[DoctorHouse]

Good thing you are not married to her. That would be really messy. Cheating is a major red flag. Everyone does make mistakes but cheating is one that can be very easily avoided. Its very easy to say NO. Sometimes when you say something you don't mean and it hurts someone, that is a mistake that can be forgiven. No other party is involved. In general, most people know cheating is a big NO NO. Cheating on a diet is no big deal. It only hurts the person doing the cheating. There is all kind of cheating, infidelity is one that can easily be avoided. As long as you don't put yourself in position to cheat, you will never be tempted. She put herself in that position knowing the consequences. An act of selfishness is a big red flag if you are going to get married to her. If she just kissed the guy, that could be forgiven if you really love her, but having intercourse is a major game changer. Now when you "sleep" with her, you "sleep" with him too. I would get her tested if you want to be with her again.

 

[Ori83]

She apologized and i agreed to stay friends, i've already been with someone else 2 nights ago, and we only dated for 4 months so no biggy - it was very intense.. we know each-other's families from way back... (my brother dated her sister 2 years ago.. ) anyways, im not taking her back, and she didnt say that she wants back (but i know she does, she just know me too well and knows i wont take her back, she said it, and i told her she is right, we will never be together again... but she keeps smsing me saying she is sorry.. :dunno: ) anyways, i was just interested in hearing some opinions on the subject and share some of my own....


hard to find good girls these days ... :/

 

[HughJass]

Let that be a lesson to the young lady!

 

[Cassin]

I think everyone is entitled to one mistake.

Of course they are! But that doesn't mean that they have a right to be given another shot romantically.

I am not a controlling person with my girlfriends. I never have been like that. I don't micromanage their life nor do I ask them questions to dig out anything they may be hiding. You have to trust them. So much is based on trust but if I can't trust them to be faithful then I certainly cannot trust them to stand next to me when all hell breaks loose in life. And the older you get and the longer you're with someone those types of situations will come about. The fact is people that cheat tend to be more selfish towards their needs. So when it comes time to sacrifice to help you, odds are you will be on your own.

 

[Cassin]

hard to find good girls these days ... :/

It's supposed to be. : )

 

[DonaldAnderson]

It depends on the goals of the relationship. But you asked us personally I think. Myself, I am not looking for any long term type of thing so I would not mind.