I dont think its right to phrase the question as being the worst or not the worst thing to happen in your life. Has hairloss been a catalyst that has affected many aspects of life for the worst that would normally not be affected? Yes.
I still party.
I still go out a lot.
I still am focused in my linguistics and french classes.
I still try to act friendly.
Hairloss just makes doing the above a lot more difficult. I have a very existentalist personally which doesn't really help either.
Before this all happened, I would easily wake up in the morning and be motivated to do the above without an extra thing to worry about. Now, I have this extra obsession that just provides a lot more stress. I can work through it, but its not fun, and generally makes me a much bitter person. This hairloss catalyst just snowballs other issues. Stuff isnt as easy as it used to be, and I dont see any hope for stuff becoming any easier.
Its not a clear cut choice as Gardner says. Im doing everything in my power including taking medications to help fix this problem. I actively try to not think about it, but it really isnt possible. Other people tend to instill stuff that affects my outlook. I try not to care, but how can you not care? I really wish I was one of those people that just didn't give a f*** about anything, but im not. I analyze people and circumstances and possibilites to a very extreme point, and I do see clear patterns of how people react to stuff. Its hard to ignore. I dont believe in this rosy aspect that magically forgetting an issue and relapsing back into quotes of confidence will fix something. Life doesn't work like that. If you're a person who has lost some kind of limb, and you were not born with a super outgoing personality--you're screwed. If you try to change your personality, you are just acting as a fraud. I cant actively change who I am.
Hairloss has sort of forced me to not be myself, and I dont like that. Apparently, im supposed to not allow it to affect my outlook on life, keep on truckin, and all that good stuff--but its not that easy.
All my life I wanted to be an air force pilot and fly F22s. I was all set to do that-- amazing grades, total dedication, and even a private pilots license as a sophomore in highschool. Then my eyes went bad, and that dream was instantly shattered. Bad eyes? No fly for you. After that catastrophe, I decided to work on other possible avenues, and then the hair started going. Great..... another disability that will prevent me from having an equal fighting opportunity in other avenues of work.
So now im basically stuck. I still do what I have always done, but I am quickly losing hope for any kind of happiness. I dont look forward to being discriminated because of it, and the only avenue of work that I see where hair doesnt really matter is neuroscience. Yay, a linguistics major who wants to be a f*****g neurologist...... at least an extra year of college + med school + internships + a lot of other things.
and where will that get me? Just more stress, less hope, and then maybe then I will be able to forget hair and just move forward. Or maybe not.
Its not easy to be optimistic when the future aint so bright. The denial of a dream I have had since I was 2 years old has been the worst thing in my life. Hairloss just tends to act as a catalyst that makes achieving other dreams a lot more stressful--mainly the discrimination aspect.
It sucks to compete in a race where you have a flat tire while everyone else has 4 perfect wheels. Yea, maybe you can pull some magic and pass ahead of some of those other dudes, but its going to be a lot rougher, a lot more stressful, and the journey to the coveted finish line isnt going to be as enjoyable for you. You wonder how far you could go if you have 4 perfect wheels, and instantly become saddened knowing the fact that you could go so far if x y and z didnt end up happening. You have no way of fixing x, y, and z, and no way of ever knowing how great things could be.
Its very disheartening.
I could be flying jets right now, but something I have no control over which I cannot fix happened that will not allow that.
I could be doing something else right not, but this hairloss thing I have no controll over which I can only partially fix wont allow me to get my mind off of it.
More avenues of self worth and personal pride are being closed due to it. I keep fighting, but I keep losing hope.
