D
DBW
Guest
The title says it all really. Almost a year has now passed since I last had sex, or anything even close to it, and I am on the verge of a complete breakdown. I just don't know what to do. I've been trying my hardest to find a partner but I just don't think anyone's interested in me. Over the last few months I have tried pof, match.com, tinder etc. and swipied right on virtually every profile that I saw. Excluding mums and landwhales, I must have clicked on pretty much every single girl in my city and not a single one of them matched. Nix, zilch, nada. I also approached a number of girls in person with similar results. It's devestating.
Relationships were always something I struggled with. Since a young age I have suffered from a variety of mental health disorders (mild aspergers, social anxiety and obsessive compulsive behavioural tendencies to name but a few) and I have always found social interactions difficult, especially those involving the opposite sex. Fortunately, I was also relatively good-looking (maybe a 6-7), which helped offset some of these handicaps and allowed me to still manage to attract women. I even dated one who would go on to become a professional beauty model, with whom I had some of the best sex of my life. But when I lost my hair, the beauty model went to and I found myself once again single, but this time at least a half-dozen points lower in terms of physical attractiveness. I am 20 years old and I am already an NW6, with a very abnormal head shape and a whole raft of other features completely unconjucive to the bald look. Furthermore, I also now suffer from a rare form of facial disfigurement following a reaction to some medication. The net effect of these things is that I am now, at best, somewhere in the region of a 2 or a 3, well below average looking and even further below the threshold for even a relatively plain women to want to f*** me. The psychological trauma of all this is unbearable. I can't look in mirrors, I have regular panic attacks: mentally I'm a mess. I feel so inadequate and my self-confidence is non-existent. I am constantly miserable and think about suicide every day. I just want to feel loved by somebody, you know? To be valued, to be desired. It's about more than just the sex; its about companionship, being accepted and being validated as a f*****g person, as a f*****g human being.
But it's also about the sex. For some strange reason I have always had a ridiculously high sex drive. I masturbate upwards of 40 odd times a week and think about sex at least several hundred times that. It is an extremely important part of life to me, if not the most important and its killing me to not be able to participate in it. What makes matters worse is that I'm also a heavy duty pervert with high sexual standards to boot. I don't get off on lacklustre, 'vanilla' sex at all - sex is like a drug to me and it needs to be high octane. Cuffs, power-plays, BDSM, toys, 69's, I need that kind of intensity. I crave it like a man in a desert craves water. I need to do these things, and f*** it, I'm also desperate to get pounded by a girl with a strap on, wear lace panties, wolf down a girl's c*m like it's a f*****g champain waterfall, suck a guy's c***, have a threesome, I'm even open to incest (having an attractive sister just baits me even further). These aren't wants, they're needs. And they're just not being fulfilled. I worry that they never will be. I can't sleep from fear that I will never be able to attract anyone again. I may be able to get landwhales but I just couldn't do anything with them; I could never get hard enough to do anything even if I wanted to.
And then, there's the fear that I simply won't be able to perform properly even if one day something were to happen. Earlier this year I sustained damage to my penis. A medicinal reaction caused severe damage to the organ's tissue. It shrunk it from 6.5 inches to something closer to 4.5-5, it also somehow softened it - even when I achieve an erection, which is more difficult than previously, my c*** is never fully hard, perpetually about 20% flaccid. It's demeaning, emasculating and embarrassing. I see it when I'm wanking and I hate myself. I hate f*****g p**rn (yet I'm addicted to it): seeing the men's c**** makes me depressed beyond belief. Being reminded how a normal dick should operate. It sometimes makes me cry. Pathetic, I know, but the tears keep coming. And then I hate myself for being such a f*****g loser. My face is deformed and my dick is broken, neithevof which can be repaired. What do I do? What do you do when your problems just can't be addressed?
I miss my ex girlfriend so much. She was my first love; absolutely everything to me, but the relationship broke down when I started becoming depressed and she stopped being physically attracted to me. Things ended, but not before she'd cheated on me with several different guys and when I discovered her infidelities, verbally abused me to the point of tears and a several mental breakdown. I just couldn't, I just can't cope with it. She broke me. And of course, since then she's gone on to become a model, wildly popular at our university, to add insult to injury, a hundred times more sluttier and sexier than she was when we were dating. She's developed an unbelieveably attractive kind of domanitrix style vibe and her instagram is awash with semi-naked pictures of her. It's almost as though she's just purposefully advertising to me how much sex she is having. I've seen her FB and tinder and she's literally shagging a different guy each week. It makes me horny, angry and devestated all at the same time. I fantasise about her all the time. I cry about her all the time. She was such a nice girl when I first met her, but success just changed her. It tears me up.
I just want to be healthy, to have friends and fit in socially, to be my old, normal looking self. But I can't have any of these things. No matter what I do, I'm not gonna ever be me again. I'm trapped in a damaged body, a body that's not good enough. In which I can't live. I'm becoming psychotic. I barely leave my house these days. I never sleep. Barely eat. Just pace, think and masturbate. I just want my life back.
Relationships were always something I struggled with. Since a young age I have suffered from a variety of mental health disorders (mild aspergers, social anxiety and obsessive compulsive behavioural tendencies to name but a few) and I have always found social interactions difficult, especially those involving the opposite sex. Fortunately, I was also relatively good-looking (maybe a 6-7), which helped offset some of these handicaps and allowed me to still manage to attract women. I even dated one who would go on to become a professional beauty model, with whom I had some of the best sex of my life. But when I lost my hair, the beauty model went to and I found myself once again single, but this time at least a half-dozen points lower in terms of physical attractiveness. I am 20 years old and I am already an NW6, with a very abnormal head shape and a whole raft of other features completely unconjucive to the bald look. Furthermore, I also now suffer from a rare form of facial disfigurement following a reaction to some medication. The net effect of these things is that I am now, at best, somewhere in the region of a 2 or a 3, well below average looking and even further below the threshold for even a relatively plain women to want to f*** me. The psychological trauma of all this is unbearable. I can't look in mirrors, I have regular panic attacks: mentally I'm a mess. I feel so inadequate and my self-confidence is non-existent. I am constantly miserable and think about suicide every day. I just want to feel loved by somebody, you know? To be valued, to be desired. It's about more than just the sex; its about companionship, being accepted and being validated as a f*****g person, as a f*****g human being.
But it's also about the sex. For some strange reason I have always had a ridiculously high sex drive. I masturbate upwards of 40 odd times a week and think about sex at least several hundred times that. It is an extremely important part of life to me, if not the most important and its killing me to not be able to participate in it. What makes matters worse is that I'm also a heavy duty pervert with high sexual standards to boot. I don't get off on lacklustre, 'vanilla' sex at all - sex is like a drug to me and it needs to be high octane. Cuffs, power-plays, BDSM, toys, 69's, I need that kind of intensity. I crave it like a man in a desert craves water. I need to do these things, and f*** it, I'm also desperate to get pounded by a girl with a strap on, wear lace panties, wolf down a girl's c*m like it's a f*****g champain waterfall, suck a guy's c***, have a threesome, I'm even open to incest (having an attractive sister just baits me even further). These aren't wants, they're needs. And they're just not being fulfilled. I worry that they never will be. I can't sleep from fear that I will never be able to attract anyone again. I may be able to get landwhales but I just couldn't do anything with them; I could never get hard enough to do anything even if I wanted to.
And then, there's the fear that I simply won't be able to perform properly even if one day something were to happen. Earlier this year I sustained damage to my penis. A medicinal reaction caused severe damage to the organ's tissue. It shrunk it from 6.5 inches to something closer to 4.5-5, it also somehow softened it - even when I achieve an erection, which is more difficult than previously, my c*** is never fully hard, perpetually about 20% flaccid. It's demeaning, emasculating and embarrassing. I see it when I'm wanking and I hate myself. I hate f*****g p**rn (yet I'm addicted to it): seeing the men's c**** makes me depressed beyond belief. Being reminded how a normal dick should operate. It sometimes makes me cry. Pathetic, I know, but the tears keep coming. And then I hate myself for being such a f*****g loser. My face is deformed and my dick is broken, neithevof which can be repaired. What do I do? What do you do when your problems just can't be addressed?
I miss my ex girlfriend so much. She was my first love; absolutely everything to me, but the relationship broke down when I started becoming depressed and she stopped being physically attracted to me. Things ended, but not before she'd cheated on me with several different guys and when I discovered her infidelities, verbally abused me to the point of tears and a several mental breakdown. I just couldn't, I just can't cope with it. She broke me. And of course, since then she's gone on to become a model, wildly popular at our university, to add insult to injury, a hundred times more sluttier and sexier than she was when we were dating. She's developed an unbelieveably attractive kind of domanitrix style vibe and her instagram is awash with semi-naked pictures of her. It's almost as though she's just purposefully advertising to me how much sex she is having. I've seen her FB and tinder and she's literally shagging a different guy each week. It makes me horny, angry and devestated all at the same time. I fantasise about her all the time. I cry about her all the time. She was such a nice girl when I first met her, but success just changed her. It tears me up.
I just want to be healthy, to have friends and fit in socially, to be my old, normal looking self. But I can't have any of these things. No matter what I do, I'm not gonna ever be me again. I'm trapped in a damaged body, a body that's not good enough. In which I can't live. I'm becoming psychotic. I barely leave my house these days. I never sleep. Barely eat. Just pace, think and masturbate. I just want my life back.
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