Gadgetine

Struggling to cope as well... What to do

doubleindemnity

Senior Member
Reaction score
1,065
I have been told that I am handsome by the last 3 women I have chatted to on a dating app. This year have had a few first date lays.

When I was in my 20s, I was like the OP, extremely insecure, and got f*** all luck dating. When opportunities came, would self sabotage.

The only thing that has changed since then is mindset, still look the same.

The thing about looks, and what I've learned is that it is somewhat subjective, not all women find me attractive, but there are some that do. Just need to find them.
Please don't label me as insecure. I'm a failure. Not insecure. When a sportsperson loses against another sportsperson, they failed to win. It does not say anything about how secure or not they are in their skills. They simply were beaten.

I have been out with gregarious, social guys and I approached comfortably while they were nervous. I can do all the behaviors that you do including the mindset stuff, which I used to do via positive affirmations and meditation on alternate days. You may have messed up opportunities in your 20s but I have had none. Like I always say, you described it in your post. You look the same. You were average (NW1 is average) in 20s and now, keeping NW2, are above average in 30s. Your experiences are in fact completely consistent with the idea of 'hair is everything'.

When I am less busy I will inquire about therapy. But I don't think that they can fix things. Therapy couldn't, for example, help a political prisoner to feel positive and happy about his/her imprisonment. It's an unsatisfactory life and the life would have to change first. But I guess that this is stuff that I say to the therapist.


I would recommend looking into clubs/group sports activities. For instance, I like to play basketball and I go to a park where I run into the same people a lot. We exchanged numbers now and find time to play and hang out.

Soccer/volleyball are better for meeting both genders so those are an option too. Biking meetups, running, swimming, the list goes on.

Group art classes, painting, sculpting, yoga, etc. Just start up a conversation and see where it goes. Of course, work on your social skills, learn to be more witty, but not in a try hard manner. Keep it natural and light, and people will want to be around you. Yes, for some this is more natural but like anything else, it is a skill that can be developed.

If you live in the USA (like I do) or Canada, then you will notice that many people are socially isolated. The countries are not conducive toward making friends and social circles, especially post college. Car culture, everything is spread out, people are mostly focused on career progression and monetary accumulation.

I am originally from a smaller European country and when I go to visit I notice a much friendlier dynamic. People are more willing to hang out, socialize. I don't need a car to get to anywhere and have many cafes/places to go within walking distance. All of these things are much better for developing a good social circle.
I tried this. I joined some classes but doing more individual stuff. Art, individual sports etc. You say hi and are friendly to people but do not make proper friendships. People are too busy working on the class stuff or are in a different stage of life. I believe now that the friends that a person has around age 25 are his/her friends for the long run and that the number of friends will only go down after that. I failed back then and I continue to pay for it today. The most recent friend that I made in the past few years was one of these through 'warm approach'. It's very uncommon. And there are no social circle opportunities with my friends; they are similar to me.
 

Oknow

Senior Member
My Regimen
Reaction score
1,471
Please don't label me as insecure. I'm a failure. Not insecure. When a sportsperson loses against another sportsperson, they failed to win. It does not say anything about how secure or not they are in their skills. They simply were beaten.

I have been out with gregarious, social guys and I approached comfortably while they were nervous. I can do all the behaviors that you do including the mindset stuff, which I used to do via positive affirmations and meditation on alternate days. You may have messed up opportunities in your 20s but I have had none. Like I always say, you described it in your post. You look the same. You were average (NW1 is average) in 20s and now, keeping NW2, are above average in 30s. Your experiences are in fact completely consistent with the idea of 'hair is everything'.

When I am less busy I will inquire about therapy. But I don't think that they can fix things. Therapy couldn't, for example, help a political prisoner to feel positive and happy about his/her imprisonment. It's an unsatisfactory life and the life would have to change first. But I guess that this is stuff that I say to the therapist.



I tried this. I joined some classes but doing more individual stuff. Art, individual sports etc. You say hi and are friendly to people but do not make proper friendships. People are too busy working on the class stuff or are in a different stage of life. I believe now that the friends that a person has around age 25 are his/her friends for the long run and that the number of friends will only go down after that. I failed back then and I continue to pay for it today. The most recent friend that I made in the past few years was one of these through 'warm approach'. It's very uncommon. And there are no social circle opportunities with my friends; they are similar to me.

You seem to have a difficult time accepting yourself for who you are

There are women who clearly don’t care as much about your baldness as you do, like the lady you went on a date with recently

everyone has their fair share of failures, I’ve had many but move on and keep on trying
 

whatintheworld

Senior Member
Reaction score
1,231
Please don't label me as insecure. I'm a failure. Not insecure. When a sportsperson loses against another sportsperson, they failed to win. It does not say anything about how secure or not they are in their skills. They simply were beaten.

I have been out with gregarious, social guys and I approached comfortably while they were nervous. I can do all the behaviors that you do including the mindset stuff, which I used to do via positive affirmations and meditation on alternate days. You may have messed up opportunities in your 20s but I have had none. Like I always say, you described it in your post. You look the same. You were average (NW1 is average) in 20s and now, keeping NW2, are above average in 30s. Your experiences are in fact completely consistent with the idea of 'hair is everything'.

When I am less busy I will inquire about therapy. But I don't think that they can fix things. Therapy couldn't, for example, help a political prisoner to feel positive and happy about his/her imprisonment. It's an unsatisfactory life and the life would have to change first. But I guess that this is stuff that I say to the therapist.



I tried this. I joined some classes but doing more individual stuff. Art, individual sports etc. You say hi and are friendly to people but do not make proper friendships. People are too busy working on the class stuff or are in a different stage of life. I believe now that the friends that a person has around age 25 are his/her friends for the long run and that the number of friends will only go down after that. I failed back then and I continue to pay for it today. The most recent friend that I made in the past few years was one of these through 'warm approach'. It's very uncommon. And there are no social circle opportunities with my friends; they are similar to me.

If you are in the west in either US or Canada, things will be like this. I'd imagine Australia and the UK are similar to this. It is a little bit the system that is working against you.
 

doubleindemnity

Senior Member
Reaction score
1,065
You seem to have a difficult time accepting yourself for who you are

There are women who clearly don’t care as much about your baldness as you do, like the lady you went on a date with recently

everyone has their fair share of failures, I’ve had many but move on and keep on trying
Is the statement 'accepting yourself for who you are' a bit unclear you think? Who am I and what is myself? Since reading philosophy I am thinking of your statement like that, so I can't make sense of it. What I can't accept is the years that I lost in my 20s as a bald guy. I really wanted to settle down and get married. I never wanted to date or even to be an older guy dating. Now if somebody asks me why I'm single at my age I have no choice but to lie because the truth is that it's because I was unsuccessful for around 5 years. I wanted to have children on the way...that's what I wanted. I never even cared about being happy. I still don't see how anybody could help me to cope with this. There is nothing that I can do. Want to use online dating services? You'll have no success as a bald guy. Want to go out and approach? It will cost you many hours per week that you could spend doing things that make you happy and help you to try to cope, and won't even work (because in busy cities it doesn't even work for guys with hair). I described how the social stuff didn't help me. Nothing that you can do as a bald guy and it is this, along with the best years of my life gone, that I just can not cope with.
 

Oknow

Senior Member
My Regimen
Reaction score
1,471
Is the statement 'accepting yourself for who you are' a bit unclear you think? Who am I and what is myself? Since reading philosophy I am thinking of your statement like that, so I can't make sense of it. What I can't accept is the years that I lost in my 20s as a bald guy. I really wanted to settle down and get married. I never wanted to date or even to be an older guy dating. Now if somebody asks me why I'm single at my age I have no choice but to lie because the truth is that it's because I was unsuccessful for around 5 years. I wanted to have children on the way...that's what I wanted. I never even cared about being happy. I still don't see how anybody could help me to cope with this. There is nothing that I can do. Want to use online dating services? You'll have no success as a bald guy. Want to go out and approach? It will cost you many hours per week that you could spend doing things that make you happy and help you to try to cope, and won't even work (because in busy cities it doesn't even work for guys with hair). I described how the social stuff didn't help me. Nothing that you can do as a bald guy and it is this, along with the best years of my life gone, that I just can not cope with.

You had a successful first date recently, just too slow with setting up a follow up date
 

czecha

Senior Member
My Regimen
Reaction score
582
Is the statement 'accepting yourself for who you are' a bit unclear you think? Who am I and what is myself? Since reading philosophy I am thinking of your statement like that, so I can't make sense of it. What I can't accept is the years that I lost in my 20s as a bald guy. I really wanted to settle down and get married. I never wanted to date or even to be an older guy dating. Now if somebody asks me why I'm single at my age I have no choice but to lie because the truth is that it's because I was unsuccessful for around 5 years. I wanted to have children on the way...that's what I wanted. I never even cared about being happy. I still don't see how anybody could help me to cope with this. There is nothing that I can do. Want to use online dating services? You'll have no success as a bald guy. Want to go out and approach? It will cost you many hours per week that you could spend doing things that make you happy and help you to try to cope, and won't even work (because in busy cities it doesn't even work for guys with hair). I described how the social stuff didn't help me. Nothing that you can do as a bald guy and it is this, along with the best years of my life gone, that I just can not cope with.
So if hair is the only escape fake having hair?
 

whatintheworld

Senior Member
Reaction score
1,231
So if hair is the only escape fake having hair?

Hair is a convenient scapegoat because the other problems are much harder to fix. Building a social circle is very hard. So is changing cities, countries a whole other story (if you aren't very rich).

Social skills as well.
 

czecha

Senior Member
My Regimen
Reaction score
582
Hair is a convenient scapegoat because the other problems are much harder to fix. Building a social circle is very hard. So is changing cities, countries a whole other story (if you aren't very rich).

Social skills as well.
Yeah agree but a young woman will always love you more for hair than for being a nice man
 

whatintheworld

Senior Member
Reaction score
1,231
Yeah agree but a young woman will always love you more for hair than for being a nice man
Sure, but anyone can get a transplant now at an elite surgeon and rebuild at least the frontal 3rd.

Now you are no longer in the bald category and it is much less of a factor.
 

czecha

Senior Member
My Regimen
Reaction score
582
Sure, but anyone can get a transplant now at an elite surgeon and rebuild at least the frontal 3rd.

Now you are no longer in the bald category and it is much less of a factor.
Heavily disagree with that stance
 

doubleindemnity

Senior Member
Reaction score
1,065
Hair is a convenient scapegoat because the other problems are much harder to fix. Building a social circle is very hard. So is changing cities, countries a whole other story (if you aren't very rich).

Social skills as well.
I don't accept the social skills idea. Plenty of guys with hair do well and they are just average besides that. No extreme confidence, no extreme wealth, no big social circle. There are actually examples of this on social media, where one would expect not to see it. How do I even move country when I have family who depend on me here and will have less of a career elsewhere? It really is very difficult.

Sure, but anyone can get a transplant now at an elite surgeon and rebuild at least the frontal 3rd.

Now you are no longer in the bald category and it is much less of a factor.
Most guys who can do that do do that. People go bald young or have bad donor and are turned down by many elite surgeons.
 

vondoom

Senior Member
My Regimen
Reaction score
736
Is the statement 'accepting yourself for who you are' a bit unclear you think? Who am I and what is myself? Since reading philosophy I am thinking of your statement like that, so I can't make sense of it. What I can't accept is the years that I lost in my 20s as a bald guy. I really wanted to settle down and get married. I never wanted to date or even to be an older guy dating. Now if somebody asks me why I'm single at my age I have no choice but to lie because the truth is that it's because I was unsuccessful for around 5 years. I wanted to have children on the way...that's what I wanted. I never even cared about being happy. I still don't see how anybody could help me to cope with this. There is nothing that I can do. Want to use online dating services? You'll have no success as a bald guy. Want to go out and approach? It will cost you many hours per week that you could spend doing things that make you happy and help you to try to cope, and won't even work (because in busy cities it doesn't even work for guys with hair). I described how the social stuff didn't help me. Nothing that you can do as a bald guy and it is this, along with the best years of my life gone, that I just can not cope with.
forget about those best years of your life sh*t...
if anything, the best years of your life would have been the ones with the best experiences, if that is skateboard at 15, university time, retirement, whatever...
cant say the best years of your life are gone when you dont even know what would have happened... you think thats when you would have had a relationship and living happily ever after? could have been that you still would have been single... could even go through divorce and loose a lot of cash with it... chances are equally high...

no use to think about yesterday, thats why you lot are so negative... life is tomorrow and better start today, if you didnt start yesterday...

btw how can it be visa issue if you move back home, unless you gave up citizenship?
 
Last edited:
Top