The nice girl at the solicitor's office...

[Happy as Larry]

Back in 2007, I used to live in a flat just above a solicitor's office. I used to have my hair longer in those days and styled it to hide the recession, and thankfully the thinning elsewhere concealed itself.

Anyway, an attractive young lady who appeared to be about the same age as me (I was 20) worked in that solicitor's office. We used to pass each other in the hallway and she'd smiled at me. I was surprised, even with a decent head of hair I still consider myself unattractive.

I grew tired of keeping my hair longer and decided to buzz it. To my delight, propecia seemed to have regrown abit of hair in the temple, but it was still fairly obvious I was balding - crown thinning becomes apparent when I shave my head you see. Anyway, after buzzing I passed this same girl on the stairs and I glanced at her and caught her looking above my forehead with a look of total shock on her face...When it was longer she would have never guessed I was going bald. After that, she kind of just ignored me.

I'm not complaining, to be honest I didn't particularly care when it happened, I didn't exactly have my heart set on asking her out. I'm just saying, I believe this kind of stuff does happen and it's not just in our imaginations.

 

[superfrankie]

I'm just saying, I believe this kind of stuff does happen and it's not just in our imaginations.

No, its not just in our imaginations. Its extra though with younger girls. Thats why Im not feeling that well and comfortable with my NW5 at the age of 21. Most of them will give you that scared look. But not everybody.

 

[uncomfortable man]

No, it couldn't have been the hairloss. Anything but that. Maybe you had something in your teeth, or maybe she smelt her own fart as she passed you down the stairs. Your projecting your own insecurities onto that poor girl...remember, women don't give a rat's *** about a guys hair as long as you act like a man should act instead of being a vein pussy. Maybe you should take a long hard look inside your jaded soul and realize that hairloss is sooo insignificant and take some responsibility for your life. Jeez Louise.

 

[Smooth]

:stupid:

I think all the guys that tell you "its only in your mind" and you can turn into Brad Pitt by working your confidence are either very old/married/nw1s or lack experience with the opposite sex :dunno:

 

[superfrankie]

Sometimes I just love the irony, especially when it comes from UM unk:

 

[Happy as Larry]

I'm afraid to say, that people who will try and claim that this kind of thing is just in your head are perhaps over estimating the culture they live in...Or perhaps just over estimating human nature itself. The petty nastiness that supposedly normal people display.

In my first yeat at uni, in 2006, I used to keep my hair buzzed before I decided to grow it longer again. However, I also made the mistake of always wearing baseball cap. I was only 19 and the thought of people seeing and laughing at my badly receded temples was too horrifying. I remember one night before an exam I couldn't find my hat and thought to myself "If I don't find it, I'm not going to the exam". Luckily I did.

Anyway, the summer after my first year I decided to stop wearing the cap. I actually felt more confident and attractive for doing this. However it was tough going back to uni, among the people who'd only seen me in the cap. I'm not going to claim everyone pointed and laughed, but a couple of people did look at me with surprise...Then a huge grin appeared on their faces. I guess there's nothing more pathetic than the guy who tries to hide his baldness to most people. That was what perhaps got the reaction rather than the hair loss itself...But it should be obvious I only wore the cap because of my extreme senstivity.

During my first lecture, I went up to a lecturer to get a module booklet and he'd only seen me in a cap. He looked at me sympathetically and handed me the booklet saying "there you go mate"...He's a norwood 4 so I appreciated that.

 

[Boondock]

This has to be the most ridiculous thread of the week.

 

[Smooth]

(1) either very old/ (2) married/ (3) nw1s or (4) lack experience with the opposite sex ..

This has to be the most ridiculous thread of the week.

m... my bet would be a combo of no.1 and maybe 4....(could be no2 on top...)

 

[qball01]

man...lets be real. It obviously was your hair. The fact is...its completely possible to read other people's minds and infer what they mean based only on a passing glance...its not like you are insecure about your hair in the first place and would likely assume any bad looks you get are because of your hair....no, not at all, obviously its because you're balding. And lemme tell you something else...its not just that girl, you get stared at ALL the time...people laugh hysterically at you every day....even if you can't tell what they're saying or laughing at...YOU BEST BELIEVE its at YOU and that the reason is that you're bald. The fact is...you are now considered below human by MOST people in the world....so its alright if you're unemployed and live with your parents when you're in your mid thirties. If people question that then you tell them..."oh, its OK...I'm bald so I can't get a good job or woman anyways." Its definitely a justifiable excuse. Society will make sure you eat dirt because you're bald and theres nothing you can ever do to change that. DON'T let anybody sell you some bullshit about "confidence" because this one time...I tried being confident and it didn't work. All that stuff is is a way for people to make money by selling you their product or their time and telling you that "you can make it in this world without hairloss by being POSITIVE AND CONFIDENT" its a load of bullshit. The companies that sell hairloss remedies are the real heroes...they're selling you a product to help maintain your hair...not because they're preying on your insecurities...but because they recognize that when you go bald, you lose become reduced to being the scum of society and they want to help you prevent that. All the people who preach things like "confidence, thick skin and social skills" are either peddling a bullshit product or brainwashing themselves into believing it doesn't matter. MY negative attitude is what actually serves me best....by keeping myself confined to this viewpoint and not taking any risks in life I can safely avoid the persecution that I get because I'm bald...thats the only way to go IMO. Who would want to be subjected to the harshness out there. Could you imagine if a stranger who you will never see again in your life and who knows nothing about you were to LOOK AT YOU FUNNILY? Imagine the horror of that! It would destroy you...so you're better off facing the reality that you're a piece of scum now that you're balding....sorry bro, its just the only real truth out there.

 

[cuebald]

A girl I had a fling with 6 or so years ago contacted me on Messenger. In those days, I had long, straight, dark hair, to which she would say "never shave your head". I'm sure you've all heard that from a girl in days passed.

She asks to meet up again, and so I go and pick her up.
Let's just say I don't have the same charm as I did back then. I also don't have the same hair. (the words "the same" are superfluous there).

She got in and looked visibly taken aback. "You've changed", "You've changed a lot" she said. She was too polite to say "you're a BALD MAN", but I could tell it was on her mind.
We had a pleasant talk, but it was the same detached chat you might have with a co-worker you vaguely know. Not quite what it was like when she first met me, when she wouldn't let me out of her sight.

Suffice to say she didn't contact me again.

I haven't changed barely one bit apart from one bizarre condition in which the follicles on my head fall out. I'm the same weight, the same appearance, etc...

I find it is pretty much like this with most girls I meet nowadays. Before, I could sense when an attraction was there. Now, I can sense their minds wandering when I talk to them.

Baldness isn't that bad if you're attractive and can pull off the look, but I am young and fairly ugly. It's a death knoll as far as the opposite sex is concerned.

 

[Boondock]

You can call me a married old fart who's inexperienced with women till the condoms come home, but this stuff is just getting ridiculous.

I mean no disrespect to the OP, and he seems like a nice guy, but it's clear to me that he's extremely sensitive about his hair.

He just admitted to wearing a baseball cap constantly for a time during university, and even contemplated skipping exams when he couldn't find it. This is the UK, remember, where at least during university term time there is no sunshine.

In the same post, the OP has recalled an event where a unviersity lecturer (whom he recalls the exact Norwood grade for) handed him a leaflet and said "there you go." The OP considers the way the lecturer said these words to contain messages of sympathy and brotherhood from a fellow hair loss sufferer.

Now when the same user comes along and describes a story about a lady seeing his buzzcut, looking at him funny, and then arguing that, clearly, she resented his baldness and rejected him as a potential mate in future because of this, I just cannot take it seriously.

The is because individuals who are oversensitive about particular issues are typically extremely unreliable people to give you information on those topics. This is extremely well-known, and this kind of cognitive bias is one of the core features of BDD. It's exactly the same reason why I wouldn't ask Michael Jackson for his opinion on how people judged his nose ("everyone thinks it's too big"), or Jordan what everyone thought about her breast size ("not big enough damn it!")

There are a number of cognitive leaps that you have to make in order to consider this story valid:

1. That the OP remembers the story 100% correctly, and there's no post-event distortion in his recollection of it.

2. That the girl looked at the OP's hair with a shocked expression, rather than, say, surprise, curiosity, indifference, or anything else.

3. That the girl was looking specifically at the OP's receding hairline, rather than the fact that - who knows? - he'd just gone from long hair to a buzzcut.

4. That the girl later formed a judgement about this, and considered it a negative.

5. That the girl had a thought process along the lines of: "I used to be nice to this guy and say hi in the corridor, but now that he's got a receding hairline I will ignore him." (Bear in mind she wasn't dating this guy, she just worked with him.)

6. That this story represents something fundamental about women in general, rather than a particular incident remembered by a particular individual in one place and at one point in time.

I just find it completely laughable, to be honest. Some people seem to think that because they're so vivid and easy-to-relate, personal stories represent compelling evidence. They're really not, as anyone with just a bachelor's degree in a research subject could tell you in five seconds.

When you believe something, your mind goes out of its way to prove its true. Some of you might look at this story and leap at how compelling and believable it is, as yet another demonstration of how hard it is to lose your hair. All I'm saying is: the story sometimes tells you more about the storyteller than the characters.

I'm not saying hair loss is easy, and I'm not saying there's anything wrong with the OP. He's clearly a nice chap, but this story - and I expect his entire hair loss experience - is as much in his head as in reality. He won't move on in life until he deals with those perceptions as well as the loss itself, and if you believe this stuff to be real then you might not either.

 

[Smooth]

Yes, you all right! hair lose has nothing to do with chicks... girls dig bald guys... especially ones that have huge ears and huge heads!! they LOVE that 25 year old babyish look... HUGE turn on to them.. also LOVE the bear belly and back hair.... if your missing a few teeth then your golden!!

dont mind that myth about hair lose treatments a multi-billion industry... or all these stupid sites with people who suffer from hair loss.... its ALL in your mind dude... just smile and the world will smile back at ya! :woot: see?? :woot: :woot: see!

 

[Boondock]

What a load of balls. It's like someone's criticized Sarah Palin for being a goofball and you turned round and said: "Yes, let all be communists, that would be a great idea wouldn't it??"

Clearly, just because I don't give any significance to this story, it does not follow that I don't believe that baldness is a problem, or that I think chicks love it, or that it's all in our minds.

What I am saying is that some people can be too sensitive about it, and that sometimes they read into things too much. I believe the OP may be in this category.

Creating a straw-man, extreme caricature of what I'm saying is ludicrous, and if you really can't see the sheer silliness of doing that then perhaps that explains your inability to be sceptical about the OP's story.

 

[Smooth]

You know whats the difference between you and me?! that i don't come here to pick on the validity of peoples stories ... i believe that my "job" here is to be supportive and i do my best to sympathize with the situation...( im not an inspector ffs!)
you have to understand something, if someone come here and writes his feelings down the last thing he needs to hear is that he imagining things... (who gives if the story is true or not or to what extent?!? the feeling are real..)
btw, my post wasnt strictly reffeing to you (my last one that is) but to all the dumbdumbs who should really stay at the slybaldidiots site. (although i do believe your one of the "deniers" )
and btw, are you married? how old are you Boondock? just wondering to see my guess is right..

 

[Nashville Hairline]

I'm not complaining, to be honest I didn't particularly care when it happened, I didn't exactly have my heart set on asking her out. I'm just saying, I believe this kind of stuff does happen and it's not just in our imaginations.

Of course it happens and she's just exercising her opinion about this particular balding guy i.e. you

I just hope like so many posters you dont take this as being the opinion of all women and a justification for feeling worthless. Men have a bad habit of doing that - making a generalisation over one bad experience. Move on to the next girl.

 

[Boondock]

You know whats the difference between you and me?! that i don't come here to pick on the validity of peoples stories ... i believe that my "job" here is to be supportive and i do my best to sympathize with the situation...( im not an inspector ffs!)
you have to understand something, if someone come here and writes his feelings down the last thing he needs to hear is that he imagining things... (who gives if the story is true or not or to what extent?!? the feeling are real..)
btw, my post wasnt strictly reffeing to you (my last one that is) but to all the dumbdumbs who should really stay at the slybaldidiots site. (although i do believe your one of the "deniers" )
and btw, are you married? how old are you Boondock? just wondering to see my guess is right..

I know you're trying to be supportive, but sometimes being supportive is not all about agreeing with what a poster says. In my opinion, the OP's problem is largely how he views his hairloss, since it's clearly a huge obsession for him. (There's nothing wrong with that, by the way, and that's true for a lot of guys with hair loss. But we shouldn't encourage it.)

For anyone in that situation, I don't think it's supportive to reinforce their paranoia by saying "I know man, all women will hate you now, it sucks." Sometimes you need to point out that people's deepest fears aren't actually true - or are at best only half right.

Also you were completely wrong on all of your guesses about me. I'm 22, and I'm not married although I do have a girlfriend right now. My experience with hair loss and women, unlike the OP's by the way, has been extremely varied. Probably overall it's hurt my chances, but I've had all sorts of reactions. I'd say only 5% of women are malicious about it, and I have never had someone blank me as a colleague. Very, very few women are so nasty as to work with someone and then simply stop speaking to them because of hair loss as the OP suggested. Just think about how weird and bizarre that is.

And although I'm only NW3, I know people who were NW6 by 20 and still have girlfriends, go out, have a life, etc. In general they're OK. One of my good girl friends was slick bald in her mid-teens through AA, and even she gets along fine, is happy, has a wide social circle, a job, and a boyfriend - who, believe it or not, is not a complete loser.

I used to think that perhaps the experience of the US culture was a lot different to the UK's, because most people here regard hairloss as a bit of a joke and don't really judge you for it. However, the OP is in the UK which is what perked my enthusiasm for this.

I don't think hair loss is easy, but I think that sometimes people's problems are in their own heads more than in the real world, and I think if you read the thread's posts again you'll see that's true of the OP.

 

[Happy as Larry]

Hey Boondock, I have a degree in social science, and I've studied psychology as part of that so I'm aware of the phenomena you've described, and can't help admit from an objective, scientific point of view that you have a point. Ofcourse, subjectively I can't help but feel "I know what I saw", I guess as everyone (erroneous or not) tries to claim.

Although I will admit I have an unhealthy obsession with my hair loss, I don't think I fall into the category of looking for persecution, as I know that realistically my hair loss is of far more concern to me that anyone else. Thus, I would never dream in a million years that a strangee would care that I'm going bald. However, in some contexts a person may care. Like, in the context of woman who is perhaps vaguely attracted to a guy who is going bald, and she doesn't know it. The guy has the young face of a 17/18 year old so it doesn't seem terribly likely that he's going bald. Then one day you see him, with obvious hair loss, and you're a little shocked.

I don't believe this is a universal experience with women, as it's naive and insulting to claim women constitute this homogenous, shallow group. I just believe that occasionally, rarely however, you will face some form of discrimination for being bald/balding.

 

[Happy as Larry]

man...lets be real. It obviously was your hair. The fact is...its completely possible to read other people's minds and infer what they mean based only on a passing glance...its not like you are insecure about your hair in the first place and would likely assume any bad looks you get are because of your hair....no, not at all, obviously its because you're balding. And lemme tell you something else...its not just that girl, you get stared at ALL the time...people laugh hysterically at you every day....even if you can't tell what they're saying or laughing at...YOU BEST BELIEVE its at YOU and that the reason is that you're bald. The fact is...you are now considered below human by MOST people in the world....so its alright if you're unemployed and live with your parents when you're in your mid thirties. If people question that then you tell them..."oh, its OK...I'm bald so I can't get a good job or woman anyways." Its definitely a justifiable excuse. Society will make sure you eat dirt because you're bald and theres nothing you can ever do to change that. DON'T let anybody sell you some bullshit about "confidence" because this one time...I tried being confident and it didn't work. All that stuff is is a way for people to make money by selling you their product or their time and telling you that "you can make it in this world without hairloss by being POSITIVE AND CONFIDENT" its a load of bullshit. The companies that sell hairloss remedies are the real heroes...they're selling you a product to help maintain your hair...not because they're preying on your insecurities...but because they recognize that when you go bald, you lose become reduced to being the scum of society and they want to help you prevent that. All the people who preach things like "confidence, thick skin and social skills" are either peddling a bullshit product or brainwashing themselves into believing it doesn't matter. MY negative attitude is what actually serves me best....by keeping myself confined to this viewpoint and not taking any risks in life I can safely avoid the persecution that I get because I'm bald...thats the only way to go IMO. Who would want to be subjected to the harshness out there. Could you imagine if a stranger who you will never see again in your life and who knows nothing about you were to LOOK AT YOU FUNNILY? Imagine the horror of that! It would destroy you...so you're better off facing the reality that you're a piece of scum now that you're balding....sorry bro, its just the only real truth out there.

Why is it that people on this site constantly try to discredit the views of others by taking them to a totally ludicrous extreme?

I didn't say anything in my post which suggests I holds views as utterly deluded and laughable as this. I'm sure most people don't give rat's *** if I'm going bald, but SOME (not all) young women will take this into consideration when choosing a partner. I don't even feel particularly aggrieved by this fact, I just accept it.

 

[Boondock]

Hey Boondock, I have a degree in social science, and I've studied psychology as part of that so I'm aware of the phenomena you've described, and can't help admit from an objective, scientific point of view that you have a point. Ofcourse, subjectively I can't help but feel "I know what I saw", I guess as everyone (erroneous or not) tries to claim.

Although I will admit I have an unhealthy obsession with my hair loss, I don't think I fall into the category of looking for persecution, as I know that realistically my hair loss is of far more concern to me that anyone else. Thus, I would never dream in a million years that a strangee would care that I'm going bald. However, in some contexts a person may care. Like, in the context of woman who is perhaps vaguely attracted to a guy who is going bald, and she doesn't know it. The guy has the young face of a 17/18 year old so it doesn't seem terribly likely that he's going bald. Then one day you see him, with obvious hair loss, and you're a little shocked.

I don't believe this is a universal experience with women, as it's naive and insulting to claim women constitute this homogenous, shallow group. I just believe that occasionally, rarely however, you will face some form of discrimination for being bald/balding.

That's pretty reasonable, to be fair. I think I mistook you for being unrealistic than you actually are. I agree that some women may respond in a negative way, and I think we're on the same page in disbelieving we can expand this to claim that "womankind" views baldness as a terrible thing.

You've obviously got a fair amount of self-awareness about this, so be on guard for when your mind's making inferences that aren't actually real. Don't always believe what you think.

 

[Happy as Larry]

That's pretty reasonable, to be fair. I think I mistook you for being unrealistic than you actually are. I agree that some women may respond in a negative way, and I think we're on the same page in disbelieving we can expand this to claim that "womankind" views baldness as a terrible thing.

You've obviously got a fair amount of self-awareness about this, so be on guard for when your mind's making inferences that aren't actually real. Don't always believe what you think.

Yeah, I was really trying to occupy a middle ground with my post between the extremes of "hair loss will ALWAYS destroy your career and relationship opportunities" and "it's ALWAYS in your imagination - noone cares you're going bald and it will never affect you negatively".

I wanted to say sometimes we will, or aleast may, experience discrimination because of male pattern baldness, however many times we could be reading too much into situations and we should remain vigilant about these kind of thoughts, as you pointed out. I guess I didn't express myself too well and veered too much to the former extreme.