What Shall I Do? How Can I Live Like This?

[Mapleman]

I've realized lately that im at the crossroads. This sh*t is consuming me like nothing else, i can't go 30 minutes without thinking about it. Thinking about my scalp, thinking about my head shape, thinking about how it looks.

I wear a lot of toppik, which the last year has started to lose its effectiveness due to my aggressive genetics for male pattern baldness. When its a nice day outside, im always filled with dread, because it arouses suspicion when you wear a hat outside when its sunny and nice, i can wear caps because of my head shape, so i usually stick with beanies, but then again, that is "weird" since its summer and its always sun outside, always the f*****g sun.

I spend hours upon waking up contemplating how everyone reacts to my hair, as if it is the important thing in the world, is it not? Is it? I don't even know anymore. Looking at my self in the mirror just gives me anxiety and obsession. All the edges, the thinning, the top of the head, the pointy sh*t, the bulging temples, the abnormally large head and the babyface.

Ive been thinning aggressively since about 18 years old, i remember the terror of looking at my hairline after applying wax... 30-40 hairs just casually glued to my hand, is if that was where it was supposed to be. It just got worse, and by the time is was about to turn 20 it was fucked, just fucked. It seemed like it affected most of the hair on my head... I just looked bad, i don't know.

I have always struggled mentally, with different issues. I have a harsh childhood and its been a rough path throughout most of my youth. I have had a lot of social anxiety, had an intense depression and ive had suicidal thoughts since around 10 years of age. Epilepsy doesn't help, laying in shakes feeling disoriented and derealized. Ive been depressive and struggling most of my life, even before the hair loss started. I have had obsessions and complexes about my appearance as long as i can remember (im ginger.) But i finally felt that i was ready to cope when i hit high school. It was allright, things were coming along allright. But the hair loss kicked in.

Getting ugly is so fucked up, i can't just get over it, i can't shave my head, because i look "odd" thats what everyone says to me. Nobody understands how it works, and why it happens, why should a young guy just lose all of his hair?

Its killing me from the inside out, my body dysmorphia kicked into overdrive when it happened. And most of it is not just in my head, i always remember how i used to get short haircuts by force from my parents and when it reached a certain length (4 cm around the sides/back to easy the appearance of my large head, bangs in the front to cover the fucked up forehead) then i received more compliments and positive attention.

I have tried a lot of conventional normal treatments. I did a year of finasteride, and im currently on dutasteride, i never stopped using minoxidil. Ive been using RU 58841 for 8 months but that gives no results whatsoever either.
Nothing works, i don't even know what to do anymore. I can't think about anything else than hair loss. Its all there is, lying in bed, hair loss, walking to school, hair loss, trying to play a videogame, hair loss, interacting with other people, hair loss.

My quality of life is so bad, and my therapist just cant help me. I had so many mental issues from before, no selv esteem, destroyed attachment to my parents, schizophrenia.. I have no base, i cant get over this, if i got over this i would still be suicidal and miserable, this is just icing on the cake.

I am trying to make a last stand now, im going for the big guns. Im considering the trans regimen. I'm 22 and i just look "odd". Its gotten so far as i don't care about being anything specific anymore, i don't care about being a man, i don't care about being a woman, i just want to live and look like a guy with hair. I might go through with this, getting the appointments this following week.

WE NEED f*****g TREATMENTS, THIS CANT GO ON ANYLONGER, I NEED SOMETHING TO FIX THIS sh*t, WHY THE f*** SHOULD I DEAL WITH THIS, WHY WHY

 

[Rudiger]

That was a tough read, I really feel for you. Obvious question, is a hair transplant an option?

 

[EvilLocks]

I'm so sorry, but please don't do the trans regimen. You'll only regret it later and be worse off than when you started. No man should follow the trans regimen unless, well - they're trans. I'm guessing you're not. I understand this is impossibly hard but please think twice about this.

 

[Mapleman]

That was a tough read, I really feel for you. Obvious question, is a hair transplant an option?

How can a transplant help? Im 22 and normal meds arent working. I will NEVER achieve results that i want. I wore a wig for about two months and i can never go back to that hopeless paranoia.

I'm so sorry, but please don't do the trans regimen. You'll only regret it later and be worse off than when you started. No man should follow the trans regimen unless, well - they're trans. I'm guessing you're not. I understand this is impossibly hard but please think twice about this.

Well, thats it. I dont enjoy life anymore. I mean, people always kill themselves dont they? Its statistics? I suffer, a lot. If i can go for this regimen and manage to keep and regrow hair i can finally walk out in the sun, meet people and not feel watched and critizised at all times. To me that is more important than having sex, jerking off, getting a ripped physique and blablabla. Its all crashing down, cant you see? The side effects of losing my hair outweighs the side effects of everything. I want to die because of my hair loss.

 

[Rudiger]

How can a transplant help?

OK have you at least seen a dermatologist about it? Maybe that would be a thought over turning trans.

 

[Abu Hairy Al-Forhedi]

I thought you were like NW2...Men-boobs wouldn't bother you Mapleman?

 

[EvilLocks]

Its all crashing down, cant you see? The side effects of losing my hair outweighs the side effects of everything. I want to die because of my hair loss.

Oh, I see. I wanted to die because of my hair loss as well, for a very long time. Then I started on antidepressants and while it is by no means amazing, I don't want to die anymore. All I'm saying is please think long and hard before you make a decision.

 

[Mapleman]

OK have you at least seen a dermatologist about it? Maybe that would be a thought over turning trans.

If you read my post i have used dutasteride for a year now, minoxidil for two and ru 58841 for 8 months with no results

 

[Mapleman]

I thought you were like NW2...Men-boobs wouldn't bother you Mapleman?

Most of the stuff on this profile is old. I was a diffused nw2 a year and a half ago. Noe its bad, a nw3 with horrible hair quality. Its aggressive. I gave up posting here because it just made things worse

And also, tits, does that really matter? I mean, some f*****g lumps of fat. Most trans people dont even get significant breast development from hrt. I would gladly take some feminization for a full head of hair. I dont care about masculinity anymore. I just dont want to look odd

 

[Rudiger]

If you read my post i have used dutasteride for a year now, minoxidil for two and ru 58841 for 8 months with no results

I did read your post, what did your dermatologist say about a hair transplant?

 

[Abu Hairy Al-Forhedi]

Sorry to hear that bro. You'll find a way to go through this..

 

[Mapleman]

I did read your post, what did your dermatologist say about a hair transplant?

Its out of the question my donor is bad. My overall hair is weak, some sort of DUPA or god knows i cant transplant, i am going to be balding forever and probably be left with a little strip of thin hair at the back of my hair and some on my sides, typical nw7

 

[Zoro]

Damn sucks to hear, I'm the same age as you with like 30% original density, although my hairline hasn't receded much. Maybe try topical estrogen/progesterone before you resort to hrt meds? Is a hair transplant completely out of the question?

It f*****g blows, man, these are supposed to be the best years of our life but we have to deal with this BS problem on our heads. It doesn't help when everyone in your family/friends just tells you to shave it bro, or that women won't care, etc it just pisses me off more. Hair makes a world of a difference, even my short diffuse sh*t hair at least adds a frame to my face, if I was slick bald i'd look like i'm f*cking 35, the only thing I have going for me right now is concealers which at least keeps me looking my age but I can't style my damn hair at all, not to mention i live in a state where there's almost nonstop rain during the summer.

 

[buckthorn]

Hey Brother,
It made me sick with sadness to read this. There is no REAL advice anyone can give you. Your situation is not easy, at all. The only thing you can take a little bit of solace in is - no one cares as much as you do. Not at all. No one goes home and thinks about YOUR balding. I know that doesn't help much, but this took me a while to realize.

At the end of the day, the people that my friends, family and I like to be around... well, none of them are that physically attractive. Once you reach a certain age, you realize that the people you like to spend time with are smart, funny, have experiences to share, and above ALL are loyal.
I am not trying to be a therapist or spit a bunch of jargon, it's just the truth. Will this help you with women? probably not. But, f*ck relationships, they are nothing but heart ache.

-Please take a little piece of mind in the fact that your contribution to people and the world is MUCH more significant than the way you look

I worry about the "trans" regimen for you, NOT solely because of the feminizing effects, but because of the mental side effects. You know you are not stable right now (most of us aren't)... what happens when you crash the f*ck out of your endocrine system? Chances are you will no longer be in a dark place, you will be in a pitch BLACK place with no escape.

PLEASE think about that very hard. We are here for you man. Whenever you need to vent, or belt at the top of your lungs, know you have friends on HairLossTalk.com that will help you.

 

[Mapleman]

Damn sucks to hear, I'm the same age as you with like 30% original density, although my hairline hasn't receded much. Maybe try topical estrogen/progesterone before you resort to hrt meds? Is a hair transplant completely out of the question?

It f*****g blows, man, these are supposed to be the best years of our life but we have to deal with this BS problem on our heads. It doesn't help when everyone in your family/friends just tells you to shave it bro, or that women won't care, etc it just pisses me off more. Hair makes a world of a difference, even my short diffuse sh*t hair at least adds a frame to my face, if I was slick bald i'd look like i'm f*cking 35, the only thing I have going for me right now is concealers which at least keeps me looking my age but I can't style my damn hair at all, not to mention i live in a state where there's almost nonstop rain during the summer.

Yes, you know how it is... I have shaved my head three times during the last two years and it looks bad... My head is an unusual shape, its big ans wide, and my forehead is protruding like a lightbulb. Toppikk is my game as well, but it doesnt work as well any more. Spending an hour showering, applying minoxidil and waiting for it to dry, then rubbing in some coconut oil to give it some fatty moisture so that the toppikk sticks better, then the toppikk and tons of hairspray in several layers to not make it see through.

When it comes to looks, hair is almost half of your attractiveness if you dont have a good head.. Imagine a guy like that f****r adrien brody with no hair.. His looks is all hair.. A long hairstyle is beautiful in itself even if you dont even have a face..

 

[Dante92]

It's threads like these that make me really mad at the medical establishment. It is downright irresponsible and sadistic for society to ignore the short and long term effects of this illness and to categorize treatments as some form of vanity.

Not to mention outrageous. Not only there's no real interest in finding a serious and ultimate treatment, but wheter you accept to go bald or you try to cure it, you'll be mocked, humiliated and shunned (if you're a man) by people and society in general.

 

[Roberto_72]

Its out of the question my donor is bad. My overall hair is weak, some sort of DUPA or god knows i cant transplant, i am going to be balding forever and probably be left with a little strip of thin hair at the back of my hair and some on my sides, typical nw7

I suggest you do not stop at the first opinion. Some of us here were told they were not good candidates for hair transplant. Including me when I was 18.
Then I had two and I can say they changed my life for the better, against all odds.

Then again, you are very young, I have a feeling better treatments (at least better than finasteride and min) are coming. Maybe not THE CURE but I have a strong feeling the big three + hair transplant will in a couple of years become
1) either the big FOUR + hair transplant or
2) the big three + hair transplant + (insert Histogen / Shiseido / what have you)

Hang in there

 

[Hangin'on Hair]

The only thing you can take a little bit of solace in is - no one cares as much as you do. Not at all. No one goes home and thinks about YOUR balding.

You nailed it on the head there Buckthorn!
It's not like the old friend you run into is tossing and turning in his sleep about your hair loss after he sees you.
Hair loss is a f*****g personal demon that you, and only you has to deal with.
Unless, you have a shallow significant other who no longer want's to be you because of it.
Then they can just go f*** themselves.

Mapleman, think hard about the trans regime. I know you don't want to continue looking odd. But that could make you look even more odd.
Hang in in there brother.

 

[N003]

Hey Mapleman

1.First welcome to the forum You will see here you are not alone with this trouble!

2. Hair loss is a f*****g disease that's true. I have hair loss since my many many years. Yes i don't have Norwood 6 or 7 but a sh*t tonsure + diffuse hair loss over the vertex + front. Looking like a f*****g chicken

3. BUT i have hope. Hope is some of the most powerfull characteristics of a human. And for the f*****g hair loss there is hope for many guys here.

Did you think about a hair transplant when you get older?

 

[DoctorHouse]

Outstanding and impressive post, Buck. You truly are a white night.
Maple, the fact that you are reaching out to us is a good start. This place can be an online group therapy. We have some great supportive people here. I have never met any of these people in real life but I know alot of them would definitely make a great friend in real life. I wish I had support like this when I had my body dysphoria and social anxiety when I was your age. I have overcome alot of it when I finally realized that I don't want anyone but me to be "my judge and jury". I only care about what people say about me when I know they have only good intentions and mean no harm. And the more you "pay it forward" in life, the better you will feel about yourself. Its when you can make others who feel like you do, feel slightly better even for a moment that makes life worth living.