"when Dating Isn’t Worth The Time, Effort And Emotion" - Melissa Batchelor Warnke

[Afro_Vacancy]

When dating isn’t worth the time, effort and emotion
Amy Schumer’s advice to single women: Keep your standards high]

I’m fortunate enough to be surrounded by women who are smart, independent, charismatic and fun. We discuss our dreams, books we’re reading, issues we’re thinking about and what we’re working on. Or at least most of the time we do.

There was a period of time this winter when it felt like all my straight girlfriends and I talked about were the men we were dating. We puzzled over their poor behavior, we endlessly analyzed their text messages, we drank too much wine and googled their exes. We completely lost our minds.

I was an active participant in these obsession sessions, as well as their frequent instigator. After a bad breakup, I’d taken a dip back into the dating pool with a brilliant yet emotionally unavailable architect. My time with him was confusing, and I made it more so by combing our interactions for hidden meaning. Between the affectionate way he treated me when we were together, the stylish manner in which he wrote to me when we were apart and the spare bits of information that flashed across my online landscape, there was so much to examine and decode! Or was there?

After a couple of months — yes, it took that long — I came to. As if a fog had been lifted, I saw that my friends and I were being destroyed by a new and gendered kind of madness. It’s the madness provoked by men who are cruel or awkward in their unwillingness to articulate their lack of interest and so instead do it slowly, using technology as a shield under which to slip away. Unfortunately, trying to control another human’s actions is as futile as trying to reverse the direction of a river. So I wasn’t about to change these men. I realized I had to change my behavior.

It wasn’t hard. Harm-reduction therapy teaches that a person will practice a problematic behavior until they’re done with it. I was done.

[Amy Schumer’s advice to single women: Keep your standards high]

I guarantee if I put together all the time my assorted friend groups spent talking and group-texting about the troubles created by indirect men in the past year, we could have learned passable Russian. Elevating the pursuit of romantic love above all else did more than distract us; it deprived the communities we serve of the contributions we could have been making; it kept us from making better versions of ourselves. It robbed us of clear views of our lives.

“I think it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy,” says my friend Hanna, 25. “Because I don’t have greater fulfillment, I turn to this insane dating world, and in that world, I lose more of myself out of negligence. And then I keep digging deeper into something that makes me feel worse.”

Most of my friends want relationships based on mutual understanding, trust and open communication. It’s not too much to ask. So, in February, I decided I wasn’t going to pretend to care less than I did or be an easier person than I am. I wasn’t going to fret about what time a man I went out with twice was or wasn’t going to text me. (God, it got bleak.) I chose to only walk alongside those who would treat my time with respect. And damn, it felt good.

Of course, the impulse to indulge adorable yet unsuitable men still arises. In May, I had a million cocktails and called the architect from a field in Iceland. But only once, and I treated myself with kindness the next morning. I still find myself occasionally drawn to men who are maddeningly unclear. I’m human.

But now, when I recognize that I’m spending too much energy fretting over what might be or might have been, I end the cycle gently. I say to that part of myself: “I hear you, I see you, and I can’t afford to spend any more time with you.”

The best part is, since I reframed my approach to dating, I met the love of my life.

I’m kidding! I didn’t. And that’s fine. I have an abundance of loves in my life already — my family and friends. Now I have the time to focus on them.

Melissa Batchelor Warnke is a writer whose work has appeared in the Los Angeles Times, the San Francisco Chronicle, VICE, the Daily Beast, Pacific Standard and other publications.
Follow @velvetmelvis

 

[Afro_Vacancy]

I get so tired of seeing this same tired article recycled all the time.

We've read this all before, and yet it keeps showing up everywhere as if it's insightful.

Goes like: Women are fabulous, educated, outgoing, charismatic, fun, etc. All they want is a man who has good communication skills, trust, and understanding. But men are mean and don't say what they want, so women are pulling out of dating.

This garbage just gets recycled all the time, somebody please f*****g make it stop.

It won't stop though. We're just going to get more of these articles. With additional spins.

As far as I can tell, I have *never* seen such an article written from a man's perspective in the mainstream press.

The most likely reality is that these women are going after men who are above their station, are in denial about it, and their denial is so deep that they will never realize what the issue is. There's a huge system in popular culture to feed back their bullshit onto them.

She says she wants men who offer relationships that are "based on mutual understanding, trust and open communication..." She comes off as lacking self-awareness.

 

[Afro_Vacancy]

Lol, "their dreams!". f*** that, these women can't even have a f*****g normal life, and they're talking about their high-aspirations!

I know some women like this and I just laugh at them, "their dreams", and you know their dreams usually are, right? Becoming a manager at their workplace so they can earn 150€ more after taxes, becoming fit but not because they like it, no, they do it to post yet another set of pictures on Instagram with the hashtags: #sports #workout#neverstop#gymaholic #fitness #fitgirls#lifestyle #lifechoices #bodychallenge.

I've actually copy/pasted these hashtags from a girl I know. She's permanently single and can't seem to be able to get a boyfriend. She's on Tinder and tells guys: "The door is open, come and f*** me." and they leave immediately afterwards.

On her bedroom table, what did I see? A Lena Dunham book. She thinks guys are assholes and are afraid of real women with career dreams and sports ambitions like her!

If they're supposed to be all the rage and what all men should want, why are these women forever alone? Why can't they get a man to commit to them? They're all talking about these super hard challenges that they overcome, yet they can't even get a boyfriend? Just lol!

The truth is, these women have been lied to, and it's the herd mentality at work here, for the women who have been fooled by it. Thankfully, some women are not that stupid. My girlfriend is 24 and she's aware that her value will go down soon, she said she was laughing at those women waiting to be 30 to have kids.

I've been a primary victim of these feminist lies, my ex who was all sweet, feminine, submissive, and happy was influenced by that nonsense. I was feeding her the (F)red pill and every time, she agreed with me, because it made sense.

But this feminist narrative was just stronger, and I was alone while there were dozens of these delusional women around her. She now seems to have lost her mind, to the point that she posts pictures of herself biking on her own in the middle of the night on Instagram. Not so long ago, that night would have been spent with me. Oh well, you go girl!

I guess later, she'll be commenting on one of these articles going like: "Yeah I don't understand, I can't seem to find a good guy!"

It's unfortunate that you'll never get a coherent thought from your ex-GF as to why the relationship went south. That's what it sounds like. I don't know the full story since I wasn't there, but it sounds like things appeared smooth, then a spontaneous disenchantment and breakup happened rapidly.

Your problem is not a unique one. It happens to a lot of men. Women often don't give a straight answer for why things don't work. Sometimes it's because they're being too polite. Other times it's the cognitive dissonance, that they are not just lying to you but lying to themselves as well, because their minds are embedded within a deep fog of cultural propaganda.

By the way, about your ex, you should be worried about her health. The scientific evidence does not support excessive, long duration cardio, particularly for women. If she is spending 10, 20, 30 hours a week on the bicycle, then there's a lot of risk factors. More obviously, she might get joint injuries. Less obviously, but demonstrated by recent science, 10 hours a week on the bike means ~4,000 calories/week, but she won't be losing 1 lbs/week forever. Her body will compensate by decreasing her metabolism and raising her appetite -- this has been measured by various studies. Would you like the links? The moment she stops biking for any reason, she will end up substantially fatter than when she started.

 

[buckthorn]

I don't think I can say anything to her, she will not listen and think I'm nuts, or that I want her back.

In fact, the explanation is pretty simple here, she freaked out and had the abortion, and in her last messages, she said:

"I really wanted a future with you, but I can't think about it right now, so I needed a break from all that."

And now she's just mostly replaced spending time with me with biking. How do I know this?

She can't f*****g stop posting about it everywhere on Facebook and Instagram.

She needs to yell it on the rooftops. I know a lot of women act like this but it's quite worrying, and a bit pathetic.

Even the last time I saw her, she was still behaving exactly the same with me, she was still in love despite what happened.

Apparently, she was angry because I surprised her by going to her place, it makes thing easier if she never has to interact with me again.

In the end, our last conversation was about a break, she's never actually had the guts to break up with me.

Jesus man, I know a couple girls like this myself. One is just DROP DEAD f*cking gorgeous beyond belief. Literally, beyond 10/10, super successful, good hearted, etc...and, she's THE craziest girl I've ever met.

She is always finding flaws in these awesome guys she dates as an excuse to have something over them. The flaws don't even exist. I dated her for like three weeks when I was 29. I made one harmless Jew joke (having a Jewish father myself) to a guy that was Jewish and she said that was a "red flag". I told her to f*ck off.

Three years after we broke up we remained friends. At the time there was a girl who was a friend of mine that I would occasionally sleep with. I had literally never done this before and obviously it was mutually agreed that we would just be friends. I mentioned it to her and she replied, "you shouldn't use women"... MIND YOU, this girl literally has her ex's and friends over to "cuddle" in her bed like three times a f*cking week and goes on literally 4 dates a week.

I called her out on that, just stating the facts. She called me 13 times (which I ignored) and then came to my house and was slamming on my door at 3am. She proceeded to cry, SCREAM at the top of her lungs and throw things at me. I never raise my voice, because I just don't care that much about life in general. I told her to leave or I would call the cops.

anyways, it's just an interesting story. She STILL goes on 3-4 dates a week and always picks apart the guys, usually after sleeping with them. She is CONSTANTLY posting pictures like you mention. #strongwoman blah blah

I don't understand how such privileged, hot girls, with such thick hair become so twisted. I will once again mention the ONLY blessing of Androgenetic Alopecia - if you get your hair back somehow, It will teach you to appreciate everything else and never take anything for granted.

 

[kj6723]

I called her out on that, just stating the facts. She called me 13 times (which I ignored) and then came to my house and was slamming on my door at 3am. She proceeded to cry, SCREAM at the top of her lungs and throw things at me. I never raise my voice, because I just don't care that much about life in general. I told her to leave or I would call the cops.

Lol and she's the one bringing up "red flags"?

 

[Afro_Vacancy]

Lol and she's the one bringing up "red flags"?

A lot of people like to "reject" others for frivolous reasons, it makes them feel like they're in a position of power of strength.

One time, I visited an apartment and the property manage was a woman in her 50s. The apartment was cheap, but it looked and smelled dirty and cheap. It wasn't the sort of place where I could invite people over and host them with pride. On the way out I said to the property manager, "sorry, I'm not interested".

She then got mad at me for saying that. She raised her voice a little bit. She said that's not how things work in real estate rentals. She said that I don't get to turn down an apartment, but the way things work is that she reviews potential tenants and she's the one who gets to turn down people.

LOL.

 

[kj6723]

A lot of people like to "reject" others for frivolous reasons, it makes them feel like they're in a position of power of strength.

One time, I visited an apartment and the property manage was a woman in her 50s. The apartment was cheap, but it looked and smelled dirty and cheap. It wasn't the sort of place where I could invite people over and host them with pride. On the way out I said to the property manager, "sorry, I'm not interested".

She then got mad at me for saying that. She raised her voice a little bit. She said that's not how things work in real estate rentals. She said that I don't get to turn down an apartment, but the way things work is that she reviews potential tenants and she's the one who gets to turn down people.

LOL.

f*****g lol dude

What is it with people who are so in love with having power over others and feeling like they must be the one with the final say? I've never been able to relate to these mindsets. One of the main reasons I hated my time in the military...tons of pathetic fools letting the smallest amount of power go to their heads

 

[Agustin Araujo]

After reading this thread and then thinking about what I've gone through, sometimes I'm just glad that I've ended up being single my whole life. Not only from what I've read on here but seeing what's happened in real life to others, is companionship even worth it?

I just can't wrap my mind on how a couple can be so close to each other with touching, kissing, sex and those sorts of stuff; however, if the relationship were to ever end, usually they'll want absolutely nothing to do with each other afterwards. No contact, no communication, nothing. It's unbelievable.

 

[Giiizmo]

How about we surrender our genitalia, opt to reproduce by cloning ourselves in vats and skip that whole "dating" mess?

 

[Roberto_72]

When dating isn’t worth the time, effort and emotion


After a couple of months — yes, it took that long — I came to. As if a fog had been lifted, I saw that my friends and I were being destroyed by a new and gendered kind of madness. It’s the madness provoked by men who are cruel or awkward in their unwillingness to articulate their lack of interest and so instead do it slowly, using technology as a shield under which to slip away. Unfortunately, trying to control another human’s actions is as futile as trying to reverse the direction of a river. So I wasn’t about to change these men. I realized I had to change my behavior.

It wasn’t hard. Harm-reduction therapy teaches that a person will practice a problematic behavior until they’re done with it. I was done.

[Amy Schumer’s advice to single women: Keep your standards high]

I guarantee if I put together all the time my assorted friend groups spent talking and group-texting about the troubles created by indirect men in the past year, we could have learned passable Russian. Elevating the pursuit of romantic love above all else did more than distract us; it deprived the communities we serve of the contributions we could have been making; it kept us from making better versions of ourselves. It robbed us of clear views of our lives.

“I think it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy,” says my friend Hanna, 25. “Because I don’t have greater fulfillment, I turn to this insane dating world, and in that world, I lose more of myself out of negligence. And then I keep digging deeper into something that makes me feel worse.”

Most of my friends want relationships based on mutual understanding, trust and open communication. It’s not too much to ask. So, in February, I decided I wasn’t going to pretend to care less than I did or be an easier person than I am. I wasn’t going to fret about what time a man I went out with twice was or wasn’t going to text me. (God, it got bleak.) I chose to only walk alongside those who would treat my time with respect. And damn, it felt good.

Of course, the impulse to indulge adorable yet unsuitable men still arises. In May, I had a million cocktails and called the architect from a field in Iceland. But only once, and I treated myself with kindness the next morning. I still find myself occasionally drawn to men who are maddeningly unclear. I’m human.

But now, when I recognize that I’m spending too much energy fretting over what might be or might have been, I end the cycle gently. I say to that part of myself: “I hear you, I see you, and I can’t afford to spend any more time with you.”

The best part is, since I reframed my approach to dating, I met the love of my life.

I’m kidding! I didn’t. And that’s fine. I have an abundance of loves in my life already — my family and friends. Now I have the time to focus on them.

Melissa Batchelor Warnke is a writer whose work has appeared in the Los Angeles Times, the San Francisco Chronicle, VICE, the Daily Beast, Pacific Standard and other publications.
Follow @velvetmelvis

This is a less flattering picture of the journalist from Google images:

She sounds very smart and competent. But she is not conventionally beautiful.

This is an interview of hers (click on the blue button):

Do I have to address the elephant in the room? Or propose the "red-pill"? Some of her friends should tell her that her dating experience was not bad because of men being "cruel".

Simply put, it is difficult to act as attracted when the other person is not attractive. Nature has not been a tricky mother only to bald men...

 

[DoctorHouse]

After reading this thread and then thinking about what I've gone through, sometimes I'm just glad that I've ended up being single my whole life. Not only from what I've read on here but seeing what's happened in real life to others, is companionship even worth it?

I just can't wrap my mind on how a couple can be so close to each other with touching, kissing, sex and those sorts of stuff; however, if the relationship were to ever end, usually they'll want absolutely nothing to do with each other afterwards. No contact, no communication, nothing. It's unbelievable.

If you are insecure and don't enjoy confrontation, you are most likely to avoid relationships in general. Every relationship will have a "power struggle" if both parties suffer from insecurity. Insecurity and low self esteem can trigger confrontation. I have never been a fan of confrontation or people who think they are your "judge and jury". A relationship can only survive with compromise and most people don't want to do this. Many feel compromise shows a sign of weakness but actually it is an act of love. If you love someone enough, you will allow them to share an experience they are passion about even if you may not be. And sometimes, if you can see their point of view of why they are passionate about something, you may learn to appreciate the same passion unknowingly. If you don't have the mindset of "paying it forward", you will struggle in your relationship as well. People don't actually realize how much energy they waste on arguing over petty things. Everyone is entitled to their opinion and even if it doesn't make any sense. Confrontation becomes very popular amongst the "its my way or its the highway" attitude.

I read alot of posts on here and what baffles me the most are the ones that say I suffer from anxiety and depression. Why? Are you truly chemically imbalanced? Have you tested your serotonin levels to see if they are depleted? Do you really live in fear of everything going on around you? Where is all this fear coming from? And then I realize the answer has alot to do with people interaction. If you surround yourself with negative people, you will eventually become one. And of course, your parents are where it all starts. If they are negative and fight all the time, you will eventually do the same. Then the friends you chose will again influence you as well. So if the mate you chose is instilling fear in you all the time, don't you think eventually your relationship is going to result in arguing, confrontation and possible heartbreak.

For example," honey, is your hair starting to thin a little, maybe you should buy that rogaine stuff". Now you just planted the seed into this poor soul and now they are going to fear going bald the rest of their life. And if you mention hair, the trigger is loaded. And then the person will eventually join this forum and you known the rest is history. Imagine having a mate that constantly instills fear in you. Are you both going to survive in your relationship? Thats the problem with that article David posted. This girl is spewing all this stuff and yet she is not innocent herself. She is no better than anyone else who likes to instill fear in people. She needs to self examine herself and realize she is the reason her dating life sucks. If you surround yourself with people who will bring you down and like to instill fear, you will eventually "crack" yourself and say things about your partner you wish you never said. I can see why so many people are skeptical about companionship. That is why Zircon has it right. He found someone who may actually like to compromise and enjoy each other's company without constantly instilling fear in each other. True, the girl may not be a 8 or a 9 but at least he actually has a relationship he enjoys. And if he or she starts instilling fear in the relationship, then his relationship might not survive.

 

[hairblues]

I know whats going on with her lol.

She's not 'unattractive' based on her features, she's a bit drab or plain......I think she's still dressing how she dressed in college or even grad school in her 20s. Im assuming she's late 30s to early 40s she has no darkness under eyes but she has two rings around her neck..Im 45 and just got my first ring and my neck is tighter than hers.. hard to tell her age.

In 20s you get away with a lot as a woman in drab clothes no makeup messy hair etc...In 30s depending on genetics, okay some...in 40s i mean i still get away with little makeup but i have very 'sharp' features pretty good skin, I'm Italian so i have big eyes and arched defined brows. These glasses for her face and eyes is not great..She does not have 'open' eye and they cover her brows. Men like at least the illusion of big eyes. Her hair color is washed out for her skin and it looks like her roots are super long or she tried to do Ombre and she did not spend money on this. Either way its fail she looks 'unkept'. The cut is also not good for her face shape.

Im really not knocking her just her style. She just needs a makeover.

She used an architect in example.>i dated an architect ..He was the neatest most organized man I ever met. His appearance his apartment immaculate..his apartment was very modest in size and style but meticulously organized almost OCD. I could see him going out with her based on her 'looks' he was not really critical of womens 'looks' BUT her appearance in her clothes hair etc he would never go out with her. He LOVED to put on suit and tie and go to very trendy or elegant restaurants... I mean she looks like she's ready to go to TGIF. Nothing is wrong with this, she just has to find a guy on same level..You can't be a low maintenance girl and expect a high maintenance guy OR vice versa..You get what you put out.

Obviously i can't speak for 'all' architects but just sharing my experience.

But honestly I could totally do a makeover on her. Cant make someone naturally beautiful but you can make someone very attractive and sexy with what they got.

Oh and you NEVER share with your friends whats going on in your personal life. Huge huge mistake..the relationship or fling whatever takes on a new dynamic once you start getting input from various sources.

 

[hairblues]

I dont think its so complicated shes trying to fit a square peg in a round hole..

She wants a man she thinks is on her 'level'

BUT she's not on the level she things she is on.

She has 2 choices really to find any kind of normal loving relationship.
1. change her own level.
2. except men closer to the level she is at.

To me this is less her looks and more about her lifestyle....She could easily find a male writer same as her in appearance dress etc she's does not sound like she wants that.

Uhm have you seen some of the guys writing for Vice? Not exactly high macitence crowd there she could find someone.

 

[hairblues]

Yeah her looks and her clothes must be the core problem here, obviously. Nothing to do with her insanely high and unrealistic expectations or her attitude.

God this post looks pale next to the masterpiece House just posted.

OF course its her attitude....How we dress and present ourselves to the world is partial reflection of our attitude.

She is dressing as if she is a natural beauty and can just get a man to fall for her as is..That is an attitude that reflects poorly.

DUH!!!

 

[hairblues]

Yeah her looks and her clothes must be the core problem here, obviously. Nothing to do with her insanely high and unrealistic expectations or her attitude.

God this post looks pale next to the masterpiece House just posted.

LOL i did not realize we were competing with previous posts...Is this a literary forum?

I especially did not realize this from all of the idiotic posts you have made on multiple conversations.

 

[Afro_Vacancy]

This is a less flattering picture of the journalist from Google images:

That's like a stereotype of an ugly christmas sweater.

 

[hairblues]

That's like a stereotype of an ugly christmas sweater.

And no one has an ugly christmas sweater fetish.

 

[hairblues]

@FredTheBelgian It is funny how you 'liked' Roberto's post which was also about her looks yet disliked mine for writing about her appearance not matching what she's looking for (i.e. expectations is clearly implied if not actually written)

..hmm wonder why that could be...Im going to really puzzle over this...makes no apparent sense to me..I must be missing something.

 

[DoctorHouse]

I dont think its so complicated shes trying to fit a square peg in a round hole..

She wants a man she thinks is on her 'level'

BUT she's not on the level she things she is on.

She has 2 choices really to find any kind of normal loving relationship.
1. change her own level.
2. except men closer to the level she is at.

To me this is less her looks and more about her lifestyle....She could easily find a male writer same as her in appearance dress etc she's does not sound like she wants that.

Uhm have you seen some of the guys writing for Vice? Not exactly high macitence crowd there she could find someone.

She never really admits that she may be the problem. I think that is the first thing she needs to realize. Notice how she has to use the adjective "straight" when she refers to her girlfriends. Tells me something about her is "off " right there. She also needs to get rid of that emotional baggage she is carrying from all her past relationships too. She comes across as "very entitled" to me. Just reading her thoughts would make me hesitate to want to even meet her for a date but I would still be open to it just to get more inside her head. The human mind is such a wonder masterpiece of puzzles and mystery I enjoy taking a crack out to solve. I realize my passion is psychology.

 

[hairblues]

She never really admits that she may be the problem. I think that is the first thing she needs to realize. Notice how she has to use the adjective "straight" when she refers to her girlfriends. Tells me something about her is "off " right there. She also needs to get rid of that emotional baggage she is carrying from all her past relationships too. She comes across as "very entitled" to me. Just reading her thoughts would make me hesitate to want to even meet her for a date but I would still be open to it just to get more inside her head. The human mind is such a wonder masterpiece of puzzles and mystery I enjoy taking a crack out to solve. I realize my passion is psychology.

I agree she does come off entitled. I think some men and women do this they expect and think they deserve someone who is superior to them in whatever area looks profession even personality..yet they are pissed off and sullen when they can't get it. They dont' look at themselves they blame opposite sex.