Hellouser, Evil Locks, Joan I. D. Walker & Winnyblues could you please help?

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nameless

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I sent an email to a band to ask them if they would collaborate with me to create a song. They're an up and coming female band. I selected a female band because it stretches my writing talent to write out of character. Since I'm a guy, writing a lyric for a female band obviously pushes me way out of my own character.

At any rate, they have invited me to send one lyric to them. Could I get you to look it over and inform me any weaknesses that you see in it. Maybe I'm not as good as I think I am and if I'm not I need to find that out.

I used to have females in my life to talk to about this stuff to but the females are all gone. Maybe they only liked my writing because they had crushes on me.

Anyone else who would be willing to assess any weaknesses in the lyric let me know.
 
Rudiger

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I wrote 90% of the lyrics in my band about 10 years ago and we recorded 2 full length albums, albeit not very professionally.

My lyrics were off the cuff and meaningless, but normally were received well, I don't really know myself, I think they were at least passable and most importantly never came across as forced or stale, which is all too common for amateur musicians.

I'm not involved much in bands or rock music now but I do dabble in producing electronic music and know people who take it seriously as a career, some do write actual songs instead of just producing mixes or beats.
 
Roberto_72

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h.l. said:
I wrote 90% of the lyrics in my band about 10 years ago and we recorded 2 full length albums, albeit not very professionally.

My lyrics were off the cuff and meaningless, but normally were received well, I don't really know myself, I think they were at least passable and most importantly never came across as forced or stale, which is all too common for amateur musicians.

I'm not involved much in bands or rock music now but I do dabble in producing electronic music and know people who take it seriously as a career, some do write actual songs instead of just producing mixes or beats.
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Two albums? Wow. Anything we can listen to? Soundcloud anonymous upload maybe?

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nameless said:
I sent an email to a band to ask them if they would collaborate with me to create a song. They're an up and coming female band. I selected a female band because it stretches my writing talent to write out of character and since I'm a guy writing a lyric for a female band writing this lyric obviously pushed me way out of my own character.

At any rate, they have invited me to send one lyric to them. Could I get you to look it over and inform me any weaknesses that you see in it. Maybe I'm not as good as I think I am and if I'm not I need to find that out.

I used to have females in my life to talk to about this stuff but the females are all gone. Maybe they only liked my writing because
they had crushes on me.

Anyone else who would be willing to assess any weaknesses in the lyric let me know.
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I thought Hellouser was a man. Deceitful!
 
Rudiger

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God no! I hide this from close friends, inevitably they find it though, but I am not spreading that stuff around the internet.

Fair question but really, I wouldn't even consider it.
 
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h.l. said:
I wrote 90% of the lyrics in my band about 10 years ago and we recorded 2 full length albums, albeit not very professionally.

My lyrics were off the cuff and meaningless, but normally were received well, I don't really know myself, I think they were at least passable and most importantly never came across as forced or stale, which is all too common for amateur musicians.

I'm not involved much in bands or rock music now but I do dabble in producing electronic music and know people who take it seriously as a career, some do write actual songs instead of just producing mixes or beats.
Click to expand...

Could you also please look at the lyric and tell me the weaknesses you see in the song? I need to get an idea if I'm any good at this or not.
 
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h.l. said:
OK, where is it?
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It's not done yet. It will be done in a couple days. It takes me a week or two to write 1 lyric and this one has been a little harder because it's so out of character. I'm a guy trying to write a lyric for a woman to sing and its kind of sexual because it's about a brothel. So it's a come-on song to be sung to guys by a woman. I was going to make it a come-on song from a woman to other women (yes a gay prostitute song) and I still may do a gay version of it but right now it's about a female prostitute singing her come-on song to men. This is very hard for a man to write because it's hard for guys to write from the perspective of a woman and with the tone and language of a woman. Plus the lyric has to sound sexy like it's coming from a female without going overboard or sounding cheesy or being vulgar. When it's done I will have put 2 - 3 weeks into it.
 
buckthorn

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nameless said:
I sent an email to a band to ask them if they would collaborate with me to create a song. They're an up and coming female band. I selected a female band because it stretches my writing talent to write out of character and since I'm a guy writing a lyric for a female band writing this lyric obviously pushed me way out of my own character.

At any rate, they have invited me to send one lyric to them. Could I get you to look it over and inform me any weaknesses that you see in it. Maybe I'm not as good as I think I am and if I'm not I need to find that out.

I used to have females in my life to talk to about this stuff but the females are all gone. Maybe they only liked my writing because
they had crushes on me.

Anyone else who would be willing to assess any weaknesses in the lyric let me know.
Click to expand...

Hey brother! I was a guitarist and lead singer in a band for five years. If you feel like PM'ing me the lyrics, I would love to look at them as well! :)
 
Roberto_72

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nameless said:
It's not done yet. It will be done in a couple days. It takes me a week or two to write 1 lyric and this one has been a little harder because it's so out of character. I'm a guy trying to write a lyric for a woman to sing and its kind of sexual because it's about a brothel. So it's a come-on song to be sung by a woman and to guys. I was going to make it a come on song from a woman to other women (yes a gay prostitute song) and I may yet do a gay version of it but right now it's about a female prostitute singing her come on song to men. This is very hard for a man to write because I'm a guy trying to write a sexy female song and the lyric has to sound sexy like it's coming from a female prostitute without going overboard or sounding cheesy or being vulgar. This has been hard. When it's done I will have put 2 - 3 weeks into it.
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I am sure it will be fun.
anyways, according to differencebetween.com:Lyric and Lyrics are two words that are used alike but it is not right to do so. There is subtle difference between the two words. The word ‘lyric’ refers to ‘poem’. On the other hand, the word ‘lyrics’ refers generally to words or lines in poetry or songs. This is the subtle difference between the two words


Written Dec 30
 
Rudiger

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When you say a lyric, do you mean like one line? Because, wow. But feel free to send it when you're done.

Buck I was also the singer and guitarist, except my singing skills weren't so hot, I just about got away with it (my voice is done now though, or at least because I'm not practicing at all). However my guitar ability is advanced, if only I could play the really tough stuff with consistency, but I don't play enough for my left hand to be strong enough, sometimes I don't touch the thing for many weeks or months.

The last "project" I was learning was the following, as well as Eric Johnson's Cliffs of Dover. It took months to get even a minute or 2 into each song.

https://youtu.be/zYTYZGoLuSg?t=88

(should skip to the 1:30 mark)
 
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Before you think that a song about prostitutes can't be cool let me tell you a few popular prostitute songs:

1. "Lady Marmalade" (Patti Labelle's come-on song of a female prostitute singing to her customer)

2. "Sweet Painted Lady" (Elton John's song about a male sailor sleeping with a female prostitute)

3. "Island Girl" (Elton John's song about a street hooker)

There are more but I figured if I named these three that would be good enough to make my point that a prostitute song could be cool.

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h.l. said:
When you say a lyric, do you mean like one line? Because, wow. But feel free to send it when you're done.

Buck I was also the singer and guitarist, except my singing skills weren't so hot, I just about got away with it (my voice is done now though, or at least because I'm not practicing at all). However my guitar ability is advanced, if only I could play the really tough stuff with consistency, but I don't play enough for my left hand to be strong enough, sometimes I don't touch the thing for many weeks or months.

The last "project" I was learning was the following, as well as Eric Johnson's Cliffs of Dover. It took months to get even a minute or 2 into each song.

https://youtu.be/zYTYZGoLuSg?t=88

(should skip to the 1:30 mark)
Click to expand...


No it's not just one line.

It's a whole song.
 
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I also have to do a full-time job and live my crummy life so I only work on songs about 5 or so hours per week.

I wish I could do it full-time. It's my favorite thing. I love writing.
 
Roberto_72

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nameless said:
Before you think that a song about prostitutes can't be good let me tell you a few prostitute songs that were popular:

1. Lady Marmalade (Patti Labelle's a song about a female prostitute singing to her customer)

2. Sweet Painted Lady (Elton John song about A John/Customer sleeping with a prostitute)

3. Island Girl (Elton John song about a street hooker)

There are more but I figured if I named these three that would be good enough to make my point that a prostitute...
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Tom Waits – Christmas Cards From A Hooker In Minneapolis


Hey Charley I'm pregnant
And living on 9th Street
Right above a dirty bookstore
Off Euclid Avenue
And I stopped takin' dope
And I quit drinkin whiskey
And my old man plays the trombone
And works out at the track

And he says that he loves me
Even though it's not his baby
And he says that he'll raise him up
Like he was his own son
And he gave me a ring
That was worn by his mother
And he takes me out dancin'
Every Saturday night

And hey Charley I think about you
Everytime I pass a fillin' station
On account of all the grease
You used to wear in your hair
And I still have that record
Of Little Anthony & the Imperials
But someone stole my record player
Now how do you like that?

Hey Charley I almost went crazy
After Mario got busted
So I went back to Omaha to
Live with my folks
But everyone I used to know
Was either dead or in prison
So I came back to Minneapolis
This time I think I'm gonna stay

Hey Charley I think I'm happy
For the first time since my accident
And I wish I had all the money
That we used to spend on dope

I'd buy me a used car lot
And I wouldn't sell any of em
I'd just drive a different car
Every day, dependin on how
I feel

Hey Charley
for Chrissakes
Do you wanna know the
Truth of it?

I don't have a husband
He don't play the trombone
And I need to borrow money
To pay this lawyer
And Charley, hey
I'll be eligible for parole
Come Valentine's Day

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h.l. said:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3omQikQYmgY
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That was THE show
 
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buckthorn said:
Hey brother! I was a guitarist and lead singer in a band for five years. If you feel like PM'ing me the lyrics, I would love to look at them as well! :)
Click to expand...


I'll post it right here in this thread. Thanks for agreeing to take a look at it.

I have a lot of running to do and I also have to legally protect the song so this will take a bit of time. The song will be finished today or tomorrow but I'll probably post it on Saturday or Sunday.

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Roberto_72 said:
Tom Waits – Christmas Cards From A Hooker In Minneapolis


Hey Charley I'm pregnant
And living on 9th Street
Right above a dirty bookstore
Off Euclid Avenue
And I stopped takin' dope
And I quit drinkin whiskey
And my old man plays the trombone
And works out at the track

And he says that he loves me
Even though it's not his baby
And he says that he'll raise him up
Like he was his own son
And he gave me a ring
That was worn by his mother
And he takes me out dancin'
Every Saturday night

And hey Charley I think about you
Everytime I pass a fillin' station
On account of all the grease
You used to wear in your hair
And I still have that record
Of Little Anthony & the Imperials
But someone stole my record player
Now how do you like that?

Hey Charley I almost went crazy
After Mario got busted
So I went back to Omaha to
Live with my folks
But everyone I used to know
Was either dead or in prison
So I came back to Minneapolis
This time I think I'm gonna stay

Hey Charley I think I'm happy
For the first time since my accident
And I wish I had all the money
That we used to spend on dope

I'd buy me a used car lot
And I wouldn't sell any of em
I'd just drive a different car
Every day, dependin on how
I feel

Hey Charley
for Chrissakes
Do you wanna know the
Truth of it?

I don't have a husband
He don't play the trombone
And I need to borrow money
To pay this lawyer
And Charley, hey
I'll be eligible for parole
Come Valentine's Day

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That was THE show
Click to expand...


Tom Wait's lyric only gets into the negativity about prostitution.
I come at it from a different angle. Mine comes from a more neutral
position about prostitution. It doesn't get into the negativity about
prostitution and it doesn't insult prostitutes or try to save them.
 
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blackg

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Will you be writing a verse about this prostitute's menstruation cycle?
 
Dench57

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Fred and Shook have a lot of experience with prostitutes, bit rude not to ask for their input.
 
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