My baby's mama found a new man

[PersonGuy]

That is f*****g rough man. One of the worst parts to breaking up (beside the thinking of all the memories, and things you've done) is the thought of having to put all that effort into someone else. It just doesn't feel worth it. I know it is, and eventually it gets better but even still the thought of it is like you said...defeating. Good luck to you man, it's just one of those things where you have to run head first into the pain of it all and try not to bottle it up and eventually you move through it. It may happen that you guys get back together one day but chances of that are slim given trust issues and the like. But good luck.

 

[uncomfortable man]

When I talked to my ex on the phone today, she sounded real upset. I asked her what was wrong. She told me her 13yr old son wants to live with his dad full time. For the last four months he has been sabotaging their relationship by being overly defiant to kind of push himself out of the household. What is fucked up is that he doesn't even want to visit on the weekends. He said "I'll visit you when I miss you." Needless to say my ex's heart is broken. The only reason he wants to live with his dad is that his dad lets him do whatever he wants and stay up to four in the morning playing video games. His dad still lives with his mom and he lives off disabilty while playing online pc games all day. My step son thinks that living with his dad is like being on vacation and I am afraid he is not going to get the kind of structure that he needs over there. He is selfishly denying his mother of a son and my daughter of a brother. My ex must feel like her family/ life is falling apart right now. I'm leaving to go over there tomorrow to console her, see my daughter and hopefully convince my stepson that he is making a mistake.

 

[HatPrisoner91]

Be careful with all that bro...

 

[s.a.f]

He's just reacting to the whole transition of losing one stepdad and getting a new one. Especialy after he had to leave his real dad at a young age, he must feel that he has no stabilized home life. A young kid cant express how he feels so he's probably just hitting out at his mum to get some attention from her.

 

[uncomfortable man]

Good point. I can't help but feel that he can't bear watching his mom hook up with yet another man and that he would rather just live with his original father than be in some strange hybrid family (if my ex winds up marrying this guy).

 

[willem07]

You may not want to hear it, but the best advice to getting your woman back (I know this may not be your goal) is to focus and improve on your life. Make her jealous, don't let her know that you miss her or are lonely, ever. The more you better your life the more she will want to be with you. Try and remain good friends with this woman, but don't be nosy into her personal life, and don't tell her too much about yours. If you can accomplish this then you can make the choice to be back with her at any time.

Just the opinion of a guy who has been through this miserable situation twice before. You have to stop feeling bad about everything and really look at the situation from the eyes of your ex. If she knows you're feeling horrible and would like to be back with her, it won't happen. Not to say that you are feeling either of these things, just saying.. it works.

Also some guys say just be honest, your woman will also always say "just tell me the truth". I say f*** that. Deny til death because she will never forgive you.

 

[bubka]

dysfunctional families are great for kids :whistle: , this is all caused by the selfishness of their stupid parents... who care nothing about the quality of life of their children, but of themselves, and their children will likely repeat the same mistakes because that is all they know

 

[optimus prime]

dysfunctional families are great for kids :whistle: , this is all caused by the selfishness of their stupid parents... who care nothing about the quality of life of their children, but of themselves, and their children will likely repeat the same mistakes because that is all they know

This is rare, but i agree with you Bubka. I think she should say to herself, enough with the different men. I couldn't make the relationship with the father of my first child work, i couldn't make the relationship with the father of my second child work. Time to concentrate on bringing my children up normal and put them first instead of jumping into bed with another man.

 

[bubka]

oh come on, if you agreed with me more, you would be correct more often :woot:

My advice goes to the both of you, your life should now only be about your children lives, if you really put them first, none of these situation would even occur. You would not have shacked up with a women for ten years either... What kind of "man" are you?

 

[s.a.f]

dysfunctional families are great for kids :whistle: , this is all caused by the selfishness of their stupid parents... who care nothing about the quality of life of their children, but of themselves, and their children will likely repeat the same mistakes because that is all they know

This is rare, but i agree with you Bubka. I think she should say to herself, enough with the different men. I couldn't make the relationship with the father of my first child work, i couldn't make the relationship with the father of my second child work. Time to concentrate on bringing my children up normal and put them first instead of jumping into bed with another man.

So parents are supposed to stick together no matter what just for the sake of the kids?
Its a nice idea but just not workable in todays society, half of all marriges end in divorce and 40% of kids born nowadays parents are'nt even mariied to begin with.
Uncomfortable man fucked up and he knows it, he regrets what he did and maybe he deserves a second chance (I really hope he manages to work things out) but to say that this woman did'nt have the right to leave over what he did is crazy.

 

[jakeb]

UM, that's rough man. I'm sorry.

What you said abou being too far bald to meet anyone again. I wouldn't worry about that now. Just by the details of your story, it proves that women are clearly attracted to you. Balding or not, you've clearly got something going on right. So try to put that worry aside.

 

[optimus prime]

[quote="optimus prime":1no5a5wk]

dysfunctional families are great for kids :whistle: , this is all caused by the selfishness of their stupid parents... who care nothing about the quality of life of their children, but of themselves, and their children will likely repeat the same mistakes because that is all they know

This is rare, but i agree with you Bubka. I think she should say to herself, enough with the different men. I couldn't make the relationship with the father of my first child work, i couldn't make the relationship with the father of my second child work. Time to concentrate on bringing my children up normal and put them first instead of jumping into bed with another man.

So parents are supposed to stick together no matter what just for the sake of the kids?
Its a nice idea but just not workable in todays society, half of all marriges end in divorce and 40% of kids born nowadays parents are'nt even mariied to begin with.
Uncomfortable man f***** up and he knows it, he regrets what he did and maybe he deserves a second chance (I really hope he manages to work things out) but to say that this woman did'nt have the right to leave over what he did is crazy.[/quote:1no5a5wk]

Who said anything about sticking together for the sake of kids? It’s about meeting someone new. It gets to the stage where you have to say, is it right for a young boy or girl to see his mother with a third man? Is it right for the boy to have a new man acting as his third father? Clearly it’s having an effect on the boy. She is putting herself before him. She could make the sacrifice and stay single, thus helping her children have some stability.

If she was told she could never met a new man I am sure she would have another go at fixing her relationship with uncomfortable man. Although, that’s not the point I am making.

 

[Cassin]

A few things...

There is something inherently wrong with a relationship that has gone on so long without getting married or plans to get married. Especially with a kid so it had major faults to begin with. Surely you must see this? Yes marriage is only a traditional thing on the surface but most importantly its a mutual commitment between two people. If you had gotten married you wouldn't have ever cheated, but you didn't get married so why?

And the sooner you get out of the "will we get back together?" cycle the sooner you can heal and move on.

 

[uncomfortable man]

dysfunctional families are great for kids :whistle: , this is all caused by the selfishness of their stupid parents... who care nothing about the quality of life of their children, but of themselves, and their children will likely repeat the same mistakes because that is all they know

oh come on, if you agreed with me more, you would be correct more often :woot:

My advice goes to the both of you, your life should now only be about your children lives, if you really put them first, none of these situation would even occur. You would not have shacked up with a women for ten years either... What kind of "man" are you?

Although I could not honorably argue these points you made, I can't help but feel like your advice is coming from a place of idealistic "theory", since I doubt you are in a long term relationship (married) with children of your own. Maybe you come from a broken home, so you can speak of that experience from the child's perspective but for you to throw stones at my parenting abilities holds no credibility with me. It's not like I abused or neglected my daughter. I gave her all the love, attention, guidance, etc. that I had in me, and although I made a horrible mistake, life is not black and white. When you settle down and start a family, I hope that things work out well for you and yours, although your ideallistic notions regarding the dynamics of married life with children may be strained when held up against the light of reality.

 

[HatPrisoner91]

Hey man welcome back,

How did it all go?

 

[uncomfortable man]

Thanx HP, good to be back. My visit went very well, I got to spend alot of time with my daughter. We went swimming and played Crockett at the park. I got to check out the new place that my father and I will be moving to and I love it- it is the exact opposite of the place I'm living at now (which is a good thing). My daughter even spent the night there, so I was able to show her that Daddy will be close by from now on. I went to the local junior college and picked up a schedule and application so I can go back to school when I move out there. I even squeezed in enough time to hang out with my friends, so it was very fulfilling on all accounts. It was tough being away from the forum for that long, but I did a little trolling when I could. Oh sh*t, I almost forgot. One night, after I put my daughter down to bed and my ex came back from work, she opened a bottle of wine and we just talked for a while. In the middle of our conversation, she gets a call from the new guy. She said that she would have to call him back, but she never did. The next day she told me that when she went to work, new guy said he didn't want to see her anymore because he knew that I was over there and he suspects that we had sex (which we didn't). I told her that I was sorry if I accidentally sabotaged their thing together and she acted like it was no big deal, but I'm sure she probably pleaded with him to reconsider after I left, whatever...

 

[bubka]

Although I could not honorably argue these points you made, I can't help but feel like your advice is coming from a place of idealistic "theory", since I doubt you are in a long term relationship (married) with children of your own. Maybe you come from a broken home, so you can speak of that experience from the child's perspective but for you to throw stones at my parenting abilities holds no credibility with me. It's not like I abused or neglected my daughter. I gave her all the love, attention, guidance, etc. that I had in me, and although I made a horrible mistake, life is not black and white. When you settle down and start a family, I hope that things work out well for you and yours, although your ideallistic notions regarding the dynamics of married life with children may be strained when held up against the light of reality.

I speak of statistics of what is likely to happen to yourself, and your child in the given circumstances that you have created. I came from a traditional family background. Giving your daughter true love and attention would have been marrying the women your created her with for her sake. You are right, it is idealistic, but wouldn't you want an idealistic environment for your own child?

 

[HatPrisoner91]

Thanx HP, good to be back. My visit went very well, I got to spend alot of time with my daughter. We went swimming and played Crockett at the park. I got to check out the new place that my father and I will be moving to and I love it- it is the exact opposite of the place I'm living at now (which is a good thing). My daughter even spent the night there, so I was able to show her that Daddy will be close by from now on. I went to the local junior college and picked up a schedule and application so I can go back to school when I move out there. I even squeezed in enough time to hang out with my friends, so it was very fulfilling on all accounts. It was tough being away from the forum for that long, but I did a little trolling when I could. Oh s***, I almost forgot. One night, after I put my daughter down to bed and my ex came back from work, she opened a bottle of wine and we just talked for a while. In the middle of our conversation, she gets a call from the new guy. She said that she would have to call him back, but she never did. The next day she told me that when she went to work, new guy said he didn't want to see her anymore because he knew that I was over there and he suspects that we had sex (which we didn't). I told her that I was sorry if I accidentally sabotaged their thing together and she acted like it was no big deal, but I'm sure she probably pleaded with him to reconsider after I left, whatever...

I definitely wouldn't get in the middle of that (the latter part). Let it play out. Cool that you enjoyed yourself. Looks like you are getting over the hairloss part. That's great!

 

[uncomfortable man]

Although I could not honorably argue these points you made, I can't help but feel like your advice is coming from a place of idealistic "theory", since I doubt you are in a long term relationship (married) with children of your own. Maybe you come from a broken home, so you can speak of that experience from the child's perspective but for you to throw stones at my parenting abilities holds no credibility with me. It's not like I abused or neglected my daughter. I gave her all the love, attention, guidance, etc. that I had in me, and although I made a horrible mistake, life is not black and white. When you settle down and start a family, I hope that things work out well for you and yours, although your ideallistic notions regarding the dynamics of married life with children may be strained when held up against the light of reality.

I speak of statistics of what is likely to happen to yourself, and your child in the given circumstances that you have created. I came from a traditional family background. Giving your daughter true love and attention would have been marrying the women your created her with for her sake. You are right, it is idealistic, but wouldn't you want an idealistic environment for your own child?

A little piece of paper (marriage document) is not what fills my daughters heart with joy and security. What do you know about this? Nothing, so don't reprimand me for things you know nothing about. I'm doing everything I can to still be a good father to my daughter so get of it.

 

[HatPrisoner91]

A little piece of paper (marriage document) is not what fills my daughters heart with joy and security. What do you know about this? Nothing, so don't reprimand me for things you know nothing about. I'm doing everything I can to still be a good father to my daughter so get of it.

Don't get upset about it. This is the nature of "advice forums". People always judge each other and think every case is the same. They both their views and beliefs on your situation. Every case is different. I'm sure you are a great father your daughter. The fact that care enough to defend it shows me that.