Advice On Meeting Up With Old Friends

[Rudiger]

Yeah Flanders, Ghent. Sounds like you're in the wrong part of Belgium?

I just got back and wow, I absolutely nailed it.

I made sure to be there in time, since we were meeting for dinner and I wanted to secure a seat in the middle, giving me more control of the conversations and putting me in a power position. When I entered the restaurant I already saw someone sitting there: lo and behold, it's the douchebag. My initial reaction was "Oh sh*t, I shouldn't have come so early.", but I quickly recollected myself and went in, with my head held high. Not this time motherfucker. I greeted him with a big smile and basically pretended that we were best buds. Maybe it was that, or maybe it was the fact that there was nobody else there, but it clearly threw him off-guard. No funny remarks, no awkward silences. I made sure to make myself look big, something I got from the Ted talks, and somehow managed to pretend that I was the cooler, funnier guy.

More people came in, most pretended they didn't notice anything but 1 dude rubbed my head and said something like "losing those hairs huh". I don't know why, but I didn't give a f***. I just laughed and said "yeah man", and continued to greet the other people coming in. I know it sounds really lame and corny but man, having that confidence is something I hadn't felt in years. And it felt f*****g good.

On a high, I continued to lead the conversation talking about my travel experiences. People were listening and laughing at my jokes. It really helps if you've got some stories to tell. There was a mirror in front of me against the wall, and I remember seeing myself and thinking "God I'm so f*****g ugly, why aren't all these people just sitting and staring at my scalp?" But then I remembered why: Nobody. f*****g. Cares.



Say what you want, but I truly believe that talking about the issue and reading people's comments made a world of difference for me going into this. If not, I would've been late, sat on the side of the table, constantly worrying how people perceived me and thus being the perfect prey for people like the douchebag, who by the way, was very quiet all night. That's 1-0 for team baldo!

I don't want to take any credit away from you, because reading about your anxiety going into this it's clear you achieved a hell of a lot tonight and it was a complete success.

But- now that it's done, and you actually did this, ever think that this is just naturally how it should have been in the first place? Without the anxiety, without the effort you felt you were putting in, trying to be someone's best friend to put him off, trying to get a dominant table space, it's all just an illusion, the truth is that you made it easy because you find it easy.

And what I'm saying is, remember that feeling and hold on to it. It's the hugest "easy" achievement ever, if you know what I mean.

 

[kj6723]

Yeah Flanders, Ghent. Sounds like you're in the wrong part of Belgium?

I just got back and wow, I absolutely nailed it.

I made sure to be there in time, since we were meeting for dinner and I wanted to secure a seat in the middle, giving me more control of the conversations and putting me in a power position. When I entered the restaurant I already saw someone sitting there: lo and behold, it's the douchebag. My initial reaction was "Oh sh*t, I shouldn't have come so early.", but I quickly recollected myself and went in, with my head held high. Not this time motherfucker. I greeted him with a big smile and basically pretended that we were best buds. Maybe it was that, or maybe it was the fact that there was nobody else there, but it clearly threw him off-guard. No funny remarks, no awkward silences. I made sure to make myself look big, something I got from the Ted talks, and somehow managed to pretend that I was the cooler, funnier guy.

More people came in, most pretended they didn't notice anything but 1 dude rubbed my head and said something like "losing those hairs huh". I don't know why, but I didn't give a f***. I just laughed and said "yeah man", and continued to greet the other people coming in. I know it sounds really lame and corny but man, having that confidence is something I hadn't felt in years. And it felt f*****g good.

On a high, I continued to lead the conversation talking about my travel experiences. People were listening and laughing at my jokes. It really helps if you've got some stories to tell. There was a mirror in front of me against the wall, and I remember seeing myself and thinking "God I'm so f*****g ugly, why aren't all these people just sitting and staring at my scalp?" But then I remembered why: Nobody. f*****g. Cares.



Say what you want, but I truly believe that talking about the issue and reading people's comments made a world of difference for me going into this. If not, I would've been late, sat on the side of the table, constantly worrying how people perceived me and thus being the perfect prey for people like the douchebag, who by the way, was very quiet all night. That's 1-0 for team baldo!

Good sh*t. Super happy for you. Goes to show that some of us with our bdd probably do often exaggerate the situation for ourselves.

 

[Albatros_]

I don't want to take any credit away from you, because reading about your anxiety going into this it's clear you achieved a hell of a lot tonight and it was a complete success.

But- now that it's done, and you actually did this, ever think that this is just naturally how it should have been in the first place? Without the anxiety, without the effort you felt you were putting in, trying to be someone's best friend to put him off, trying to get a dominant table space, it's all just an illusion, the truth is that you made it easy because you find it easy.

And what I'm saying is, remember that feeling and hold on to it. It's the hugest "easy" achievement ever, if you know what I mean.

Oh yeah definitely, I'm fully aware of that. Granted, I was already a bit of a shy person when I had hair, but losing my hair just completely destroyed my confidence and gave me some serious anxiety.

I think that's what frustrates a lot of people here to no end: that hair-loss completely fucks up/overshadows your true personality. If you don't feel good about your own appearance, it's insanely hard to ignore that fact and "be yourself", so to say. Even wearing a hat completely changes my personality, because I'm very confident about my face and body, it's just the scalp that fucks everything up.


Also, big thanks to everyone for the support! Feels so damn good to just talk about this sh*t with people that understand.

 

[Rudiger]

Your advice is real therapy. Have you ever had prolonged anxiety yourself H.L? I don't mean something acute like over a car accident, work meeting e.t.c. I've never had it and it's not in my nature. Depression yes but it's not the same thing.

This surprises people who get to know me well in real life but I am constantly anxious, I went through years of being overbearingly extroverted to cover it, I had to balance that correctly. I don't know practically how this could be diagnosed, but especially around new people, which I am quite often, I am constantly self-aware of everything I say, how I'm positioned, ridiculous stuff, but I still put myself out there even if sometimes it kills me in that moment.

But it's therapy, afterwards I don't even feel the same crushing feelings of regret that I used to. We have a short time on this earth, and the only moment we experience is the present, even if that present moment is reliving the past.

 

[Rudiger]

Nope, the point was I haven't overcame it! Every social situation is pushing the boulder back up the hill, because even if it's a "success" on the night, there will still be another night, when I start again. I need to be in an incredible comfort zone to worry about not looking nervous or saying the wrong thing, and people generally consider me a really outgoing person and when I reveal to some how anxious I get, the response is close to "f*** right off". This is obviously good, I rarely show signs of being my introverted self, and that's what I mean about my position being hard to diagnose, I am an socially anxious person who has no problem applying themselves to any social situation, but just the constant awareness that I'm very sensitive about saying the wrong thing or caring what people think in that moment, but what I have overcame is thinking afterwards about what people think about me. I don't dwell on it.

That is not to say I don't have days or nights when I just am not feeling it, for whatever reason, usually it would be because I'm in a bad mood but sometimes not even- I'm just not feeling socially "on", and I'm reserved, and of course people notice as it's different to what they're used to (and use that annoying line "you're awfully quiet today!" YEAH that helps people come out of their shell!).

And this is why I know "confidence" bashers are full of sh*t, and no I won't try to define "confidence" again for anyone, but just for the sake of argument everyone knows what I mean. On nights when I feel socially adequate I'm meeting random people, talking to different groups, making people laugh, blahblah, this definitely results in finding more women. On nights when I'm in my shell, I realise just how hard it is for even a handsome guy to even get talking to a woman, it's practically impossible as these doors don't open and opportunities simply do not present themselves, I've known plenty of shy great looking guys who get nowhere for months with women (often their high standards don't help but still).

I feel for you on reliving bad memories, I used to re-live the same awkward thing I may have said, over and over. It's ridiculous looking back on this as years later I still remember them, and I try to think objectively "what if someone else said that tomorrow night?" and I would have thought it was a bit odd but probably not remembered it by the end of the night, never mind the next week, and it wouldn't at all dent my impression of that person.

So that's what I overcame, my reflections on previous moments aren't as damning and harsh on myself.

 

[CopeForLife]

> I know a plenty of shy good looking guys without confidence and high standards who not slay

> It means confident baldcel can slay! Checkmate "confidence bashers"!!!

lol at this logic

 

[Rudiger]

That was written confusingly, I think I get it but just to clarify first, what do you mean?

 

[CopeForLife]

That was written confusingly, I think I get it but just to clarify first, what do you mean?

That "confidence" without good looks doesn't matter.

 

[Rudiger]

You made up this logic that you're lol'ing at, that's not what remotely what I said, but read into things however you want to if it gives you a temporary giggle, even if it's not the truth or in any way progressive.

All I'm saying is, attitude and personality, assertiveness, approach, are a factor because I've felt it first hand, whereas plenty of people will tell you it isn't, not even 1%. And as usual on here you jump straight to the extreme example of really ugly baldcel, like there's no in between and the majority of guys aren't somewhat average looking.

Will baldcel slay? Unlikely. Will they slay without ever approaching or talking to people and inevitably a woman, putting themselves out there instead of p**rn and playstation? Impossible.

I don't HAVE to keep in mind every single person reading a post, I wasn't referring to "baldcel" guys at all and sorry if you feel every post should take your feelings into account. But if being outgoing and approaching obviously helps good looking guys score on their level, then obviously that logic applies to average guys doing the same on their level, and baldcel guys too. And inevitably if a man is persistent he may even score a point or two higher (this is ambitious and I'm not sure if it's even a great suggestion in the long term, but it definitely doesn't happen from an ugly guy being in his introverted shell all the time).

I'm going to guess that by "baldcel slay" you mean I'm saying there's a possibility because of "confidence" ugly guys can pull hot women all the time, which is ridiculous. I'm saying it helps, and over time it will inevitably mean an ugly guy can pull a woman around his level, and that's irrefutable, nobody mentioned "slaying" so I'd appreciate if you don't intentionally read my posts incorrectly to make me look wacky and ridiculous, as in this example it's made the opposite happen anyway (to me at least, you look ridiculous).

 

[CopeForLife]

You made up this logic that you're lol'ing at, that's not what remotely what I said, but read into things however you want to if it gives you a temporary giggle, even if it's not the truth or in any way progressive.

All I'm saying is, attitude and personality, assertiveness, approach, are a factor because I've felt it first hand, whereas plenty of people will tell you it isn't, not even 1%. And as usual on here you jump straight to the extreme example of really ugly baldcel, like there's no in between and the majority of guys aren't somewhat average looking.

Will baldcel slay? Unlikely. Will they slay without ever approaching or talking to people and inevitably a woman, putting themselves out there instead of p*rn and playstation? Impossible.

I don't HAVE to keep in mind every single person reading a post, I wasn't referring to "baldcel" guys at all and sorry if you feel every post should take your feelings into account. But if being outgoing and approaching obviously helps good looking guys score on their level, then obviously that logic applies to average guys doing the same on their level, and baldcel guys too. And inevitably if a man is persistent he may even score a point or two higher (this is ambitious and I'm not sure if it's even a great suggestion in the long term, but it definitely doesn't happen from an ugly guy being in his introverted shell all the time).

I'm going to guess that by "baldcel slay" you mean I'm saying there's a possibility because of "confidence" ugly guys can pull hot women all the time, which is ridiculous. I'm saying it helps, and over time it will inevitably mean an ugly guy can pull a woman around his level, and that's irrefutable, nobody mentioned "slaying" so I'd appreciate if you don't intentionally read my posts incorrectly to make me look wacky and ridiculous, as in this example it's made the opposite happen anyway (to me at least, you look ridiculous).

Sorry but I'm not going to read this wall of text.

Try to express your thoughts compact – we live in 2016 every minute matters.

 

[Rudiger]

Sorry but I'm not going to read this wall of text.

Try to express your thoughts compact – we live in 2016 every minute matters.

No.

I hope that's concise enough.

And don't pretend you didn't read it, c'mon. What are you busy doing at the moment? We're all lurking a baldness forum, I doubt you have Japan on the other line.

 

[I.D WALKER]

I don't HAVE to keep in mind every single person reading a post, I wasn't referring to "baldcel" guys at all and sorry if you feel every post should take your feelings into account. But if being outgoing and approaching obviously helps good looking guys score on their level, then obviously that logic applies to average guys doing the same on their level, and baldcel guys too. And inevitably if a man is persistent he may even score a point or two higher (this is ambitious and I'm not sure if it's even a great suggestion in the long term, but it definitely doesn't happen from an ugly guy being in his introverted shell all the time).

Look even fledgling ugly ducklings have to test their wings,
and although practice runs won't necessarily produce their desired outcome,
it is simply the effort(s) that sometimes bounce us beyond the empty rim of our fish pond,
toward possible rewarding opportunities/encounters.

Now clearly our journey is not as static as instinctively driven water fowl,
even still it can be said maybe regardless of looks:
that if you are un-open to the possibility of change, or your drive train (willpower) is
broken and you need a (moral) lift, then inevitably you'll miss out firsthand,
exploring what life's excitement was all about in the first place.

I don't remember who it was that once stated, "there is little proxy to experience",
but they got it right. Now speaking from the standpoint of a guy with deep emotional/social deficits,
and predictably super low self esteem disorders I can confirm that for change (+/-)
to simply work, positive action has to be implemented.
Naturally this means that 'chance taking' has to take place or phrased another way,
'there's no chance w/o taking a chance'.

Positive change doesn't generaaly happen involuntarily, One must basically foster a serious intent
to resolve their circumstances; by weighing in on the practical merits of change alone
we get to leave out some of the emotional interferences that are prone
to crimp one's preferred form/style of transcending their personal trouble spots.

Well enough of the rally slogans.

So I'll always have burn scars on my neck caused by the sultry breath,
expired from the infernal trap of the wingless Dragon of Depression.
I do know what it feels like to curl up beside myself trying to find mental rest
while being stroked and spooned by the Beast of my Despair.

Still on a daily basis I am confronted with the real threat of losing
my self identity/respect to self doubt.My steady awareness of this risk is probably right for me,
in the sense that it is these understood malign consequences
that drive me outside my irrational self versus inwardly,
where my chance(s) of personal advancement will fail to see another sunrise.

 

[DoctorHouse]

Look even fledgling ugly ducklings have to test their wings,
and although practice runs won't necessarily produce their desired outcome,
it is simply the effort(s) that sometimes bounce us beyond the empty rim of our fish pond,
toward possible rewarding opportunities/encounters.

Now clearly our journey is not as static as instinctively driven water fowl,
even still it can be said maybe regardless of looks:
that if you are un-open to the possibility of change, or your drive train (willpower) is
broken and you need a (moral) lift, then inevitably you'll miss out firsthand,
exploring what life's excitement was all about in the first place.

I don't remember who it was that once stated, "there is little proxy to experience",
but they got it right. Now speaking from the standpoint of a guy with deep emotional/social deficits,
and predictably super low self esteem disorders I can confirm that for change (+/-)
to simply work, positive action has to be implemented.
Naturally this means that 'chance taking' has to take place or phrased another way,
'there's no chance w/o taking a chance'.
Positive change doesn't generaaly happen involuntarily, One must basically foster a serious intent
to resolve their circumstances; by weighing in on the practical merits of change alone
we get to leave out some of the emotional interferences that are prone
to crimp one's preferred form/style of transcending their personal trouble spots.

Enough of the rally slogans.

So I'll always have burn scars on my neck caused by the sultry breath,
expired from the infernal trap of the wingless Dragon of Depression.
I do know what it feels like to curl up beside myself trying to find mental rest
while being stroked and spooned by the Beast of my Despair.

Still on a daily basis I am confronted with the real threat of losing my self identity/respect to self
doubt.The steady awareness of this risk is probably right for me in a sense
that it's understood consequences drive me outside my irrational self versus inwardly,
where my chance(s) of personal advancement will fail to see another sunrise.

Classic ID Walker post. Your articulation is "turning me on"

 

[Rudiger]

But you have made progress and in a way that is "overcame it" in my book, so you should be happy. If you are predisposed to these kind of issues I don't think they completely go away. You become better at managing them but certain triggers can bring them back. I've never had this mindset but it's my understanding of what happens to people in a similar boat.

I don't mean to trivialise your issue, but when I relive bad moments it's usually some specific personal issues/circumstances that changed my life. The very few people I have told all express empathy. I do occasionally think of little things like what you describe. I think a lot of you on here have social anxiety with or without baldness and make the problem bigger than it is - that's the take home message. Most people are too self absorbed to worry/notice another person in immense detail, especially concerning their looks or interactions. They may also be self conscious too. If a girl or guy stands out in looks they will be scrutinised more though.

It's heartening to see though that you are all managing the anxiety well!

Ah yes I'm being a little facetious with my previous post, in a common usage way I have definitely "overcame" social anxiety, in the way that I consistently overcome it on a regular basis. For myself though I never want to find that comfort zone, I do have an odd sense of humour, I can be intentionally outspoken in a way that is bordering on parody, and I know that not every person will understand this, if I don't keep myself in check that social situations are a balancing act of basically "being yourself" but practically like marketing yourself in a certain way, and if you are a character like myself, you can't just put everything out there. People won't understand and you'll feel ridiculous, instead your opinions and especially your sense of humour have to be somewhat edited as a more friendly version, that's not to say the core principles of who you are should be discarded, not at all, but 90% of people are socially aware that you don't jump into any given social situation with the same gusto that you would with your natural friends who already understand what you're about. The other 10% are seen as douchebags.

And for anyone who says "be yourself or you're nothing" well the people I know who are able to truly be themselves all of the time, are f*****g boring. They are vanilla, everything is straight-laced and easily accessible, so good for them being an honest representation of how they truly are, but I don't think many people want to spend great amounts of time with them (unless they're also f*****g boring).

Anyway, I see what you're saying about moments representing a bigger personal change and I can relate to this as well, not just saying the odd stupid thing.

Look even fledgling ugly ducklings have to test their wings,
and although practice runs won't necessarily produce their desired outcome,
it is simply the effort(s) that sometimes bounce us beyond the empty rim of our fish pond,
toward possible rewarding opportunities/encounters.

Now clearly our journey is not as static as instinctively driven water fowl,
even still it can be said maybe regardless of looks:
that if you are un-open to the possibility of change, or your drive train (willpower) is
broken and you need a (moral) lift, then inevitably you'll miss out firsthand,
exploring what life's excitement was all about in the first place.

I don't remember who it was that once stated, "there is little proxy to experience",
but they got it right. Now speaking from the standpoint of a guy with deep emotional/social deficits,
and predictably super low self esteem disorders I can confirm that for change (+/-)
to simply work, positive action has to be implemented.
Naturally this means that 'chance taking' has to take place or phrased another way,
'there's no chance w/o taking a chance'.

Positive change doesn't generaaly happen involuntarily, One must basically foster a serious intent
to resolve their circumstances; by weighing in on the practical merits of change alone
we get to leave out some of the emotional interferences that are prone
to crimp one's preferred form/style of transcending their personal trouble spots.

Well enough of the rally slogans.

So I'll always have burn scars on my neck caused by the sultry breath,
expired from the infernal trap of the wingless Dragon of Depression.
I do know what it feels like to curl up beside myself trying to find mental rest
while being stroked and spooned by the Beast of my Despair.

Still on a daily basis I am confronted with the real threat of losing
my self identity/respect to self doubt.My steady awareness of this risk is probably right for me,
in the sense that it is these understood malign consequences
that drive me outside my irrational self versus inwardly,
where my chance(s) of personal advancement will fail to see another sunrise.

I've read this, slowly, about 5 times, and I understand it all completely (though initially I found the language of I.D. Walker hard to grasp on here, through lack of effort) but it's the joy of re-reading it and discovering a little something new each time.

 

[blackg]

I've read this, slowly, about 5 times, and I understand it all completely (though initially I found the language of I.D. Walker hard to grasp on here, through lack of effort) but it's the joy of re-reading it and discovering a little something new each time.

Haha...I like an honest man. And yes, I often have to read I.D's posts slowly and more then once.

 

[buckthorn]

That "confidence" without good looks doesn't matter.

o.k... y'all can diss having confidence as much as you'd like, but this clearly isn't true. c'mon now!

"confidence without good looks doesn't matter" may apply to being with women, but not with friends, family, etc.. or just in a general social situation.

 

[I.D WALKER]

I've read this, slowly, about 5 times, and I understand it all completely (though initially I found the language of I.D. Walker hard to grasp on here, through lack of effort) but it's the joy of re-reading it and discovering a little something new each time.

H.I. , I'm humbled by you or anyone else who gives my posts even one look.
I enjoy your facetious posts, but your personal accounts
are an extra treat I'm particularly fond of reading.

 

[I.D WALKER]

Haha...I like an honest man. And yes, I often have to read I.D's posts slowly and more then once.

Blackg, I always appreciate the extra attention you furnish me.
I am obliged to comp. you one day for your heartfelt commitment to maintaining
a hospitable climate here.
Home doesn't feel nearly so distant when you're online.

 

[Rudiger]

When I first discovered your posting style I.D, I was very close minded, I'm sure I expressed how I felt it was pretentious and even expressed harsh negativity towards you. But of course it makes sense to me that coming on this forum in the first place I was a desperate and sad person, looking for escape, validation, and seeing someone so carefree in being themselves in the words they express, the irony is clear that in expressing yourself in this way, outside the conformity of any internet forum never mind one about an embarrassing topic like male pattern baldness, you are actually the opposite of pretentious. That was initially a hard thing to accept, and has become a joyous thing to accept- you've taught me how good it can feel to be wrong, and how that gives us hope in many ways outside of the "certainty" of our own pre-dispositions.

Of course I didn't even need to bring up my past dislike of you, and with many I wouldn't, but that's the honesty that you exude from others, the openness you bring from myself and others that there will be mutual understanding in our circumstances.

I'd also like to echo the sentiments about blackg and he is similar to you in ways, and therefore another one of my favourite posters. He keeps a calm balance on here like nobody else does, and more importantly he does have a bit of "bite", he has had no problem putting me in my place in the past and I hope/know that will continue in future, which I respect. For the most part he is supportive of me and everyone else on here (does anyone else Like posts as much as blackg? Even before this new forum set up and the button got popular, he was the guy who would definitely let you know when he appreciates your work, via a silly little button that makes us all feel a little better).

I.D. I really like that you call my opinions on here "facetious", because it means you are probably one of the few that understand me as a person and how I post on here.

 

[DoctorHouse]

When I first discovered your posting style I.D, I was very close minded, I'm sure I expressed how I felt it was pretentious and even expressed harsh negativity towards you. But of course it makes sense to me that coming on this forum in the first place I was a desperate and sad person, looking for escape, validation, and seeing someone so carefree in being themselves in the words they express, the irony is clear that in expressing yourself in this way, outside the conformity of any internet forum never mind one about an embarrassing topic like male pattern baldness, you are actually the opposite of pretentious. That was initially a hard thing to accept, and has become a joyous thing to accept- you've taught me how good it can feel to be wrong, and how that gives us hope in many ways outside of the "certainty" of our own pre-dispositions.

Of course I didn't even need to bring up my past dislike of you, and with many I wouldn't, but that's the honesty that you exude from others, the openness you bring from myself and others that there will be mutual understanding in our circumstances.

I'd also like to echo the sentiments about blackg and he is similar to you in ways, and therefore another one of my favourite posters. He keeps a calm balance on here like nobody else does, and more importantly he does have a bit of "bite", he has had no problem putting me in my place in the past and I hope/know that will continue in future, which I respect. For the most part he is supportive of me and everyone else on here (does anyone else Like posts as much as blackg? Even before this new forum set up and the button got popular, he was the guy who would definitely let you know when he appreciates your work, via a silly little button that makes us all feel a little better).

I.D. I really like that you call my opinions on here "facetious", because it means you are probably one of the few that understand me as a person and how I post on here.

H.L. your posting is getting better and better each day. However, your "run on" sentences remind of the poster Danny Boy. There was a moment I thought you were him but then you are more "experienced" than him so I know you are not the same person. Wonder what happened to Danny Boy.