An open letter to Uncomfortable man

[uncomfortable man]

Now I bet a dime whoever gets anything valuable will have to work hard for it. This means that there is an element of pain involved in accomplishing x task....So tell me UM, with the above in mind, why should you be scared of failing? Even if it doesn't work out despite trying at least you can learn from the experience and up your game (say women for example), you'll become wiser etc.

Tell that to the guy who doesn't have to lift a finger to get the panties to drop, night after night... as opposed to the bald (fat, ugly) guy who has to jump through hoops of fire for a sliver of the attention that the "stud" gets. I've said it before- beauty is a form of power...and power corrupts. These good looking jerks that women are falling over totally take all of the attention for granted, whereas someone like me would be grateful if I didn't get a drink thrown in my face. That is what I learned from "trying" oknow. Yes, rejection sucks but when you are already sensitive with esteem issues, why would you want to put yourself through that humiliation and torture repeatedly?

 

[uncomfortable man]

Oknow, I appreciate your efforts to have an open, intellectual dialouge with me to really engage these issues of mine in the hopes that we could come to some sort of positive realization...I really do. So many people (including my father with his full head of hair) just tell me to get over it, for lack of better words. When it comes down to it, don't ask me to accept something that you wouldn't accept yourself. You may not realize it, but your hair is like a backstage pass that grants you certain privelages. Enjoy them while you can.

 

[DoctorHouse]

I never imagined I could meet two people on here Oknow and UM who are "younger versions" of myself. I honestly think it was life's design to bring us all together but unfortunately we will never be able to help each other. No matter how many different perspectives people will try to show you on "how to live your life" the "demon" seed has already been planted deep in our souls. No matter how much I try, I can not kick this feeling inside of me to accept the fact I can never look like I would like to be physically. My case of BDD is impossible to "exorcise" but I sure know for survival I can never let it stand in the way of my means to an end, my career. I am educated to know how to survive in this world and have the ability to interact great with people but deep down inside its all a show. I have nobody to blame but myself. I can totally understand why UM does not want to be a victim to chemical lobotomy. I would never want that myself. Its funny how we all share the same story. Being victimized by bullies as kids and yet as adults cannot escape our past. They say sometimes your past can come back to haunt you. Well unfortunately we have all let it haunt us and we have a hard time moving to the present in hopes of a better life. However, our fear is that our future and our past will somehow collide again and we will stumble into some collision course of rejection and pain once again. We live in fear all the time of rejection simply because of our past. We base this rejection on how we think people perceive us physically. We have this distorted view on how people want us to look and if we don't see that in the mirror than all hell breaks lose deep down inside us. We become miserable and depressed and alone. For UM, he believes its full head of hair that will give him a new life. For OKnow, I really don't know what it would take. For me, I think the only realistic possibility is attracting a very youthful, very attractive women that can give me back my self esteem and confidence that I believe is still hidden inside of me waiting to be released kind of like a genie from a bottle. I need her to "rub" me the right way so I can master my BDD indefinitely. Once I find that I can truly maybe some day overcome this "burden" I have chosen to control me all my life. I hope both OKnow and UM can free themselves of this burden much sooner than I ever could. I don't know what it will take but I am sure maybe someday it will happen for all of us so we can finally live "happily ever after" or at least die trying.

 

[uncomfortable man]

Thanks for sharing your struggle, our struggle House. It is truly amazing what the mind is capable of. BDD is a relatively new medical phenominon. There are still doctors that deny it's very existence. I guess it is hard to give credibiliy to a mental disease which originates from overexposure to the medias constant flaunting of perfection and preying on insecurities. They have taken it to a whole new level....an unhealthy level obviously. What is sad is that it has become engrained in our culture. You can't escape it.

 

[qball01]

Deep down, we all have the same needs. Beyond food and water, there is the deep seeded need for love and acceptance (not just talking about sex) to feel whole as a human being. We are social creatures and as such have to compete for these resources just like any animal in the wild. Who gets all the resources (or at the very least, a disproportionate amount)? The dominant males. They get the food, they get the sex and more importantly...they get respect. Maybe we have evolved an inch or two since then but the primitive behavior is still the same. In this time and place that I exist in, my bald head puts me at a disadvantage to those dominant males for getting these said resources. Granted, it is not impossible but with the media brainwashing everyone that perfect=normal and that bald is bad and something to look down on, then that puts me at odds with achieving that very human need of just plain old acceptance by my fellow human beings. I just want to be normal, I just want to be accepted whatever that means. I shouldn't be afraid of failure, because by societies definition, I am a failure already.

But yet if that is the case then WHY are there plenty of bald men in relationships etc?... You are not a failure, you are the one holding yourself back.

exactly!....at the very worst, baldness is a DISADVANTAGE...which does not mean its a dealbreaker to ALL women. U-man seems to believe that there is not a single woman out there who won't date him as a bald man in his MID THIRTIES (not that old to be bald nowadays). Its almost selfish to assume that because its like he sees every women as THAT shallow and in requirement of a full head of hair...but he also can't dispute the fact that there ARE many bald guys out there dating women, even if baldness limits the TOTAL options...just find the ones that don't care! But it is very hard when you have no confidence in faith or yourself because of baldness...so THAT needs to be fixed...trust me, I know it sucks cuz I'm in a similar situation...I have to shave my head regularly in university...and I KNOW that women would PREFER their men to have hair, especially at this age...but I also have to realize...like Uman, that if you don't feel shame over being bald then it can only get a LOT easier...

also U-man...I know you've personally been rejected because of baldness...but that actually doesn't mean you still couldn't have made something happen with them....if a woman says you're handsome...but its a pity you're bald...shes trying to test you...I'm sure you've heard the term "sh*t test" if you know about pua...but anyways, its true...think about it...shes calling you out on a very obvious subject that is known to make many men insecure....I can almost guarantee you that if you had reacted in the right way, by saying the right thing and showing that you don't give a f*** if you're bald or not and she shouldn't either...then you still could have had a chance...but I'm betting your reaction was submissive and she could tell you felt "ashamed" because of her comment of being bald.

 

[uncomfortable man]

Thanks for the insight Q. Keep that in mind.

 

[Oknow]

For UM, he believes its full head of hair that will give him a new life. For OKnow, I really don't know what it would take. For me, I think the only realistic possibility is attracting a very youthful, very attractive women that can give me back my self esteem and confidence that I believe is still hidden inside of me waiting to be released kind of like a genie from a bottle. I need her to "rub" me the right way so I can master my BDD indefinitely. Once I find that I can truly maybe some day overcome this "burden" I have chosen to control me all my life. I hope both OKnow and UM can free themselves of this burden much sooner than I ever could. I don't know what it will take but I am sure maybe someday it will happen for all of us so we can finally live "happily ever after" or at least die trying.

What would kill my BDD at the moment, the same thing as you pretty much; a long term relationship with a beautiful woman that I like and care about. As opposed to drunken one night stands when you are with someone you have no feelings for.

Saying that, with the amount of sh*t I have been through, which I wont go in detail on here, I know with time I can be great without one. Done ok so far, but still have a lot to learn. And by that I mean my career, working on my intellect, being charming, cultured, being a man of real substance. I believe in the whole package pretty much and do not place empasis on one individual component. I strongly believe that is what people look at out there, and assess you by, the whole package. Which is why a NW1 bin raider will not get the same respect as a NW5 high flying business man.

My main BDD is linked in with a medical disorder, which has slightly disfigured my face ever so slightly - my jawline, it will probably go once that is fixed as my face will look like how it should normally look like afterwards. (and nope UC man do not compare hairloss to being disfigured in this way cos it doesn't cause functional problems)

 

[DoctorHouse]

Oknow, for only being 23, you certainly are very mature and wise already. Its only a matter of time when you will become a "guru" of psychology. It will be interesting to see how your perspectives on life changes in the future. Someday you can achieve the ultimate status level of our wise and mighty powerful s.a.f. who happens to be my psychologist at the moment.

 

[Oknow]

Oknow, I appreciate your efforts to have an open, intellectual dialouge with me to really engage these issues of mine in the hopes that we could come to some sort of positive realization...I really do. So many people (including my father with his full head of hair) just tell me to get over it, for lack of better words. When it comes down to it, don't ask me to accept something that you wouldn't accept yourself. You may not realize it, but your hair is like a backstage pass that grants you certain privelages. Enjoy them while you can.

Yeah you are right mate, it will be hard. And yes I admit I wouldn't like to be a NW6, but if I were a NW6 I would have no choice but to adapt with the situation, just like I am now with my current BDD.

Nobody says life was easy mate, and from experience in hard times you have two choices:

1) give up

or

2) fight, even if that means there are a sh*t load of obstlecles in front of you - that makes the reward so to say sweeter if you can overcome them and get there in the end. You also learn a lot more then the guy that had it easy because you had to work harder to get there, which makes you BETTER as these skills form experience and are transferable to a similar situation.

Yes of course I will still get down about it from time to time, of course I would. But getting down to the point it controls your every move is dangerous. Especially over something you cannot change.

 

[Oknow]

Oknow, for only being 23, you certainly are very mature and wise already. Its only a matter of time when you will become a "guru" of psychology. It will be interesting to see how your perspectives on life changes in the future. Someday you can achieve the ultimate status level of our wise and mighty powerful s.a.f. who happens to be my psychologist at the moment.

Cheers mate. This definently generates attraction with the girls when I talk to them on this level, because it allows me to challenge them directly and intellectually.

And by the way, you are an interesting chap too . I agreed with a lot that you've said in your previous post.

But for real, this is what makes life interesting it isn't static...imagine how boring it would be if life was. For sure I was very different, very niaeve 5 years ago. And the one thing that matured me quickly was situations where I was faced with real problems, I just had to learn how to deal with them otherwise I knew I would be stuck rotting in a hole and even if I did make mistakes along the way, I have tried to learn from them.

Saying that, as you ahve rightly stated, I still have a lot to learn.

 

[Oknow]

Now I bet a dime whoever gets anything valuable will have to work hard for it. This means that there is an element of pain involved in accomplishing x task....So tell me UM, with the above in mind, why should you be scared of failing? Even if it doesn't work out despite trying at least you can learn from the experience and up your game (say women for example), you'll become wiser etc.

Tell that to the guy who doesn't have to lift a finger to get the panties to drop, night after night... as opposed to the bald (fat, ugly) guy who has to jump through hoops of fire for a sliver of the attention that the "stud" gets. I've said it before- beauty is a form of power...and power corrupts. These good looking jerks that women are falling over totally take all of the attention for granted, whereas someone like me would be grateful if I didn't get a drink thrown in my face. That is what I learned from "trying" oknow. Yes, rejection sucks but when you are already sensitive with esteem issues, why would you want to put yourself through that humiliation and torture repeatedly?

You know what, I hear you man. But you do know though a lot of guys are not traditionally good looking, I for one am no brad pitt, and I get rejected despite having hair. And you know what if I carried a defeatist attitude I would NEVER get laid.

You will find its a numbers game at the end, some girls will like, some wont. I think I have mentioned somewhere before in my posting archive, one girl I am chasing right now is with a very ugly bald guy atm, and despite my and other guys advances she fends us off for him. And if he can be with such a hottie, why can't you.

Also your application in game of how you approach, talk to them etc may need refining, that could be another problem. Women are driven by emotions and you gotta know how to play that in order to build attraction etc.

 

[s.a.f]

Oknow, for only being 23, you certainly are very mature and wise already. Its only a matter of time when you will become a "guru" of psychology. It will be interesting to see how your perspectives on life changes in the future. Someday you can achieve the ultimate status level of our wise and mighty powerful s.a.f. who happens to be my psychologist at the moment.

If only we could all take our own advice. But it seems we're all saying to each other do as I say - dont do as I do.
Its nice to be respected as a HairLossTalk.com poster but boy do I wish it was a role that I never had to fullfill.

 

[Nashville Hairline]

For me, I think the only realistic possibility is attracting a very youthful, very attractive women that can give me back my self esteem and confidence that I believe is still hidden inside of me waiting to be released kind of like a genie from a bottle. I need her to "rub" me the right way so I can master my BDD indefinitely. .

Very good post but be careful of this...if she dumped you, you'd be back to square one with your BDD cos you'd think she left you cos of a perceived physical imperfection.
As I constantly need to remind myself the only confidence is inner confidence. Cos as soon as you get praise from one person you can nearly guarantee you will get abuse or rejection from two others. Of course praise is nice and we all love it but take it for what it is IMO.

 

[DoctorHouse]

Yes, the fear of getting dumped is really part of rejection that no one really wants to experience but I realize now women will dump you if you don't want their support and you won't give them the same emotional support. If you are a team player and keep both of your lives "interesting", you maybe in a long lasting relationship that could be for life.

 

[Oknow]

For me, I think the only realistic possibility is attracting a very youthful, very attractive women that can give me back my self esteem and confidence that I believe is still hidden inside of me waiting to be released kind of like a genie from a bottle. I need her to "rub" me the right way so I can master my BDD indefinitely. .

Very good post but be careful of this...if she dumped you, you'd be back to square one with your BDD cos you'd think she left you cos of a perceived physical imperfection.

There is a contradiction though, why would she get with you in the first place if at the time you have that imperfection on show? alternatively even if she did dump you, you can use that as an experience to reassure yourself that you can get a girl of that quality with the way you currently look. That is a very reassuring thing to have. If however you handle it negatively, then yep what you said is totally true.

As I constantly need to remind myself the only confidence is inner confidence. Cos as soon as you get praise from one person you can nearly guarantee you will get abuse or rejection from two others. Of course praise is nice and we all love it but take it for what it is IMO.

But yes, confidence should come from within.

 

[s.a.f]

I think we must all have some issues from childhood or something and thats what makes us different from the average guys who can handle hairloss / small physical issues.
maybe if we could all get together we'd realise that there's nothing really wrong with us.

 

[uncomfortable man]

HairLossTalk.com fieldtrip/picknick? :dunno:

 

[diesel15]

Hi all

I come here from time to time as i have been suffering from hairloss since the tender age of 22. I am now 28 with severe thinning at the hairline coupled with 2 bald spots at the back.

Just wanted to chip in on what i ve read in this post. Let me start by saying that yes baldness does suck (there is no doubt that we would all like to get our hair back) but my perception is that it seems to be holding ppl way too much here. It became obvious to me that UM's perception of himself is the cause of most of his troubles. qBall hit it dead on. When that girl told him "you are so good looking, if only you weren bald" she was testing him to see how comfortable he was with himself. it was a test (yep read all about the PUA stuff too haha).
why am i so sure? well it happened to me just a month ago.
I had met this gorgeous 23 yr old girl and we were in a taxi with her GF and a buddy of mine. At that time i beleive she was a bit tippsy and said "you are loosing your hair arent you?" ...as much as such a comment took me by surprise (coz i wasnt expecting it out of the blue) i calmly replied back "yeah definitley..see?" (I pointed at my hairline). She then replied back saying "ooooohh...what have I gotten myself into?!"...to that i replied "you better run lady and fast!"with a big smirk on my face. Needless to say, we hooked up and now she is the one that cannot get enough of me.

The point of this little story is not to brag about anything but it s just to illustrate that if you react in an unphased way to the bald comments and show confidence (careful i did say show confidence...if u dont have confidence, FAKE IT or learn how to fake it) then you actually passed the girls' test. Let s face it, girls dont like to be around guys who are uncomfy with themselves and when they perceive a flaw (esp a physical one) they test us on it to see how we react.
Nothing is more unattractive to a girl than a guy who is too fussed about his looks.

I am not going to say that these comments dont bother me. I would say they bother me a little but nothing i take too seriously. I esp dont show to the girls that it bothers me. This is the key attitude to have when faced with such situations and it actually makes you feel much better about your situation.

Since i m here posting i will chip another story i had. I was on holiday with a mate and these 2 girls we had with us. One night, the subject of bald comes up and the least good looking girl says "i would not marry a guy if he is bald"...i said "X, I m gutted that you and I will never be married!" in a joky way...she knew i could get girls and was actually making fun of her for being so shallow. The good looking girl jumps in and says "a guy s hair doesnt matter to me actually". I know what ppl like UM will say...the good looking girl was just being nice right? let me continue the story. The not so good looking girl is actually quite a nice girl and i didnt let her comments affect me. Instead I actually made fun of her and myself. As she complains most of the time i d be like " are you done yet? you wana take your frustrations on smthg? go ahead , you ve already put my confidence to zero with your bald comments...knock yourself out, twist that knife in my back haha"...all that in a joky way. Ever since that trip, the good looking girl has been flirting with me (i had never met her before this trip) and I m seeing her tomorrow for a date.

Moral of this last story is that some girls have a problem with bald/balding guys, some dont and it s not necessarily the good looking ones that do. The MOST important thing is to show (or fake confidence), be light hearted and not take things too seriously. This is easier said than done i know, but practice makes perfect.

These stories are real and i did not exaggerate at all anything. I would say loosing my hair at such a young age has made work on other aspects of my life. I have a well paying job, I work out 3 times a week and have developped an enviable body and finally i have learned to handle akward social situations when it comes to hairloss. I am not a 100% there yet but I am definitley trying. I know I am heading to a NW6/7 very soon as hairloss comes from my mom's side and well her side of the family are all NW6/7 and as annoying as this is, I will not let it hold me back from living a full life. If someone here is wondering if my hairloss is obvious, the answer is yes, very much. I plan to shave it all very soon. Btw my uncle is a NW6/7 and this guy has gotten so many girls it s crazy (he is a very confident guy, borderline arrogant).

I hope this helps some of you. I think the ones with a lot of negativity engraved will always find smthg to hold themselves back but hopefully for the rest of you I managed to cheer you up a little. Just remember girls like to test guys...

 

[qball01]

great post above....ask any who has game, and also has a perceived flaw, such as being overweight, short, big nose, bald/balding, etc. if hes ever been called out on that "deficiency" by a woman before...the answer will undoubtedly be "yes..many times." Now ask him (remember, we're talking about somebody who is good with woman here) if he has also hooked up many of those girls who made those comments....the answer will also undoubtedly be "yes...many times." Baldness is not the only issue that men have...and it is not the only issue that women will call men out on, or claim that they don't necessarily like in a man....so the point is...while baldness may very rarely be a "preference" (although there are some women that like bald heads...yes even fully BALD heads) it doesn't necessarily have to be a huge disadvantage either....the biggest hurdle baldness causes is the way it can make a person feel about himself...not the baldness itself.

 

[qball01]

also..speaking of the pua community...here is a video of a pua named thundercat....he gets girls looking like he does...and U-man, I know there is NO excuse you can give for why he looks better than you as a bald man

http://www.looks-dont-matter.com/1000/tcfocusgroup.php

http://www.looks-dont-matter.com/1000/tcinspiration.php