Went To A Wedding Surrounded By Family And Old Friends - My Feelings.

[rclark]

@buckthorn

How long does your hair grow in a month, a half an inch?

It's a problem for you, or is it? If you shave your head, it would take six weeks to grow back (if
you didn't like it).

You got used to the clipper guard #6 look. Why not shave your head?

Or is it because your brothers might tease you, and family humiliation?

 

[DoctorHouse]

Buck, when you're dealing with people you've known for a long while, what they see is often not the current "you" but a composite of that and how they have known you in the past. The mind tends to fill in the blanks and whatever minor/moderate flaws you have get glossed over.

And contrary to the classic cope, people can't see your state of mind.

Basically you feel terrible because you are a hyperbolic personality with an exaggerated emotional spectrum. You probably look objectively worse but have retained enough of your good looks to not shift perceptions of you too much.

They are in essence just meeting the old you. Don't read too much into it.

They may not see his state of mind but he might project it in how he speaks and his body language. Some people are good at reading body language. I got better at it as I got older. Too bad I was clueless to it when I was really young.

And unfortunately, people tend to associate getting fatter with being depressed. However, alot times ironically the anti-depressants make people gain weight. Or if you don't smile enough, people think you are too serious and women may find you unapproachable.

Bucky, I am glad you are taking better care of yourself now because I want to see you around for a long time. I stay fit and healthy for myself just so I don't have to live middle age with any handicaps. When you are ready, I think you will be open to dating women again and if not its not the end of the world either. Its hard to date when you don't like what you see in the mirror. That is the first hurdle most people need to understand.

And I get the part of why you have negative thoughts about women in general (excluding some of the women posters here). I think deep down inside, you know relationships are very challenging to last long term and that is what you have to face if you want to date women and make it last. Even Brad and Angelina, as good looking as they are, still had those challenges and could not make it work. Even Brad and Jennifer Aniston could not make it. Just goes to show you its not about looks all the time. Yes, you need them to hook yourself a relationship but it takes alot more to hold on to one. Relationships are challenges that some people just are not ready for and others are champions at it.

 

[Afro_Vacancy]

you've seen like three photos of me from overhead.. it's all relative, and let me point out the things you don't know..

1) i've gained THIRTY lbs since most of these people last saw me.

2) 1) coupled with finasteride use, I now have man boobs.

3) since these people last saw me, I went from the illusion of full coverage, to entirely see through across the top.

4) you can't explain why NO one commented or asked about the scar.

5) because of finasteride, my face looks tired, with circles under the eyes all the time. Never had this before I used it.

there was not a single comment, or staring or anything.. despite the fact that *I* may not look like a rotting corpse, the only explanation why out of a 100 close friends and family, no one even mentioned, "you look different" or anything at all, is that THEY are good people.

I am not saying everyone is a good person. I got lucky, and realized how lucky I am to be surrounded by family that is not completely superficial.

That is all.

The way I looked before all this, or my facial features, or ability to tan, and have a beard blah blah is completely irrevelant. What is relevant is the transformation from 1-2 years ago to now.

people i don't know treat me well because I have an intimidating presence. People I know treat me well because I am overly kind and giving. it has nothing to do with looks at all. This sounds egotistical, but it's true.

Being kind and generous does not go a long way if you are ugly. It is a huge plus if you are handsome. If you're ugly, it's approximately neutral.

As for you being intimidating, an intimidating look is a good look.

I hope you can see these positive experiences as an indicator that you're better looking than you think, which will allow you to heal.

 

[buckthorn]

Buck, when you're dealing with people you've known for a long while, what they see is often not the current "you" but a composite of that and how they have known you in the past. The mind tends to fill in the blanks and whatever minor/moderate flaws you have get glossed over.

And contrary to the classic cope, people can't see your state of mind.

Basically you feel terrible because you are a hyperbolic personality with an exaggerated emotional spectrum. You probably look objectively worse but have retained enough of your good looks to not shift perceptions of you too much.

They are in essence just meeting the old you. Don't read too much into it.

one of the smartest things I've ever read on here. Excellent point.

Being kind and generous does not go a long way if you are ugly.

I really think this depends on where you live. Simply put, while a lot of people in general tend to be superficial to some degree, some locations harbor more shallow people than others. I wish to live in a smaller town, where everyone can get to know me.

Once again, every single day we see ugly, even extremely ugly people living productive lives, seemingly "happy" lives... are they happy when they go home? or do they eat an entire pizza, a fifth of rum, throw up in the bathtub and attempt to drown? idk.

 

[buckthorn]

The first mistake the vast majority of people make when it comes to relationships is choosing... yeah right, scratch that, the first mistake people make is settling for the wrong person.

Often the first woman that gives them the time of the day for men.

Why is my relationship going so smoothly? Because I didn't settle for my girlfriend and she didn't settle for me. I chose her after like 20 dates, with conviction, and she hadn't been in a relationship in 5 years.

We have our little problems, because shocker, we're two different persons, but it's always quite insignificant. Our relationship is mutually beneficial and that's how it should be for everyone.

If your relationship is a challenge, if you need to work hard to maintain it, then maybe you shouldn't be with that person.

And yes, that goes for Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie too.

Finding the right partner on the other hand, that requires hard work, in the sense that you have to go on a lot of dates.

You shouldn't be too demanding either, you often see women who meet this amazing guy, and they're like "Nah I can't be with him, he's not tall enough! I'm going to date that abusive 6'3 alcoholic instead, at least I can wear heels with him!"

This. I also think relationships fail because the couple sees each other like every f*****g minute of every day. In My MOST successful relationships, we would see each other 2-3 times a week. You need to miss each other.

 

[Afro_Vacancy]

The first mistake the vast majority of people make when it comes to relationships is choosing... yeah right, scratch that, the first mistake people make is settling for the wrong person.

Often the first woman that gives them the time of the day for men.

Why is my relationship going so smoothly? Because I didn't settle for my girlfriend and she didn't settle for me. I chose her after like 20 dates, with conviction, and she hadn't been in a relationship in 5 years.

We have our little problems, because shocker, we're two different persons, but it's always quite insignificant. Our relationship is mutually beneficial and that's how it should be for everyone.

If your relationship is a challenge, if you need to work hard to maintain it, then maybe you shouldn't be with that person.

And yes, that goes for Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie too.

Finding the right partner on the other hand, that requires hard work, in the sense that you have to go on a lot of dates.

You shouldn't be too demanding either, you often see women who meet this amazing guy, and they're like "Nah I can't be with him, he's not tall enough! I'm going to date that abusive 6'3 alcoholic instead, at least I can wear heels with him!"

If your current relationship quality is a 10/10, what would you rate your previous relationship?

 

[Afro_Vacancy]

Once again, every single day we see ugly, even extremely ugly people living productive lives, seemingly "happy" lives... are they happy when they go home? or do they eat an entire pizza, a fifth of rum, throw up in the bathtub and attempt to drown? idk.

This community has a tendency to project body dismorphia onto others and assume that 90% of the population is ugly. It's not that bad. Most people look average.

A while back I hopped on to an airplane. I looked at the people in the seats, it was after a debate with the people on this forum. I noticed that by the standards of this forum, every single one of the several hundred people on the airplane was ugly, including those in business class. That's absurd honestly, and highlights how we have skewed perceptions in here.

tldr; those people are typically not as ugly as you think.

 

[DoctorHouse]

The first mistake the vast majority of people make when it comes to relationships is choosing... yeah right, scratch that, the first mistake people make is settling for the wrong person.

Often the first woman that gives them the time of the day for men.

Why is my relationship going so smoothly? Because I didn't settle for my girlfriend and she didn't settle for me. I chose her after like 20 dates, with conviction, and she hadn't been in a relationship in 5 years.

We have our little problems, because shocker, we're two different persons, but it's always quite insignificant. Our relationship is mutually beneficial and that's how it should be for everyone.

If your relationship is a challenge, if you need to work hard to maintain it, then maybe you shouldn't be with that person.

And yes, that goes for Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie too.

Finding the right partner on the other hand, that requires hard work, in the sense that you have to go on a lot of dates.

You shouldn't be too demanding either, you often see women who meet this amazing guy, and they're like "Nah I can't be with him, he's not tall enough! I'm going to date that abusive 6'3 alcoholic instead, at least I can wear heels with him!"

Bear, your relationship is still considered new. Give it some time and see where it goes. You have to understand some people change after a decade or some even change after 5 years. I agree with you that if you have two partners who are caring, giving and willing to compromise, you will have less challenges but you can't predict if someone will lose their job, get sick, have a car accident or accident that changes one of the partners. Another words, in life, you will be thrown challenges that could affect the dynamic of your relationship. You cannot predict your challenges until they happen. You are still in the honeymoon stage right now. However, if it can last long term, you will have it much easier than most. I hope you keep posting here long term so we can see just how smooth your relationships stays.

 

[blackg]

thanks for your input, shortstack.

Haha... Well now I'm a little offended.

 

[Afro_Vacancy]

"A year is not that long!"

That goes in the same bag as "You're thin because you're still young!" for me.

A car accident? Yes in that case, I agree.

Children will change the dynamic and we're both aware of that, it's an undeniable fact that's well documented.

But saying, your relationship will go sour because... because life, things, time, I don't know, people change!

One thing I've learned a long time ago is that people don't change, ever.

It's funny because some people see how smooth our relationship is and quickly make the same attack.

Time passes, and the argument remains the same: "3 months isn't that long, 6 months isn't that long, a year isn't that long."

If it's not jealousy, it sure looks like it. The last girl who told us that had broken up with her boyfriend like 5 times in the span of 5 years.

"At least we're the real deal, x time isn't that long, you'll probably fall apart at a point."

"21 is still young, give it a few more years and you'll become fat!"

"24 is still young, give it a few more years and you'll become fat!"

"27 is still young, give it a few more years and you'll become fat!"

My $0.02: 3 months is not that long, 1 year is.

People eventually become fat all things being equal but it's a slow process and you can adjust by eating better and exercising better. If I ate and lived like I did when I was 24 I'd probably weigh 300 lbs now.

 

[DoctorHouse]

"A year is not that long!"

That goes in the same bag as "You're thin because you're still young!" for me.

A car accident? Yes in that case, I agree.

Children will change the dynamic and we're both aware of that, it's an undeniable fact that's well documented.

But saying, your relationship will go sour because... because life, things, time, I don't know, people change!

One thing I've learned a long time ago is that people don't change, ever.

It's funny because some people see how smooth our relationship is and snarkily make the same comment.

Time passes, and the argument remains the same: "3 months isn't that long, 6 months isn't that long, a year isn't that long."

If it's not jealousy, it sure looks like it. The last girl who told us that had broken up with her boyfriend like 5 times in the span of 5 years.

"At least we're the real deal, x time isn't that long, you'll probably fall apart at a point."

"21 is still young, give it a few more years and you'll become fat!"

"24 is still young, give it a few more years and you'll become fat!"

"27 is still young, give it a few more years and you'll become fat!"

When I was dating most women considered a long term relationship at least 5 years. Long term can have multiple meanings for everyone. Let me remind you of your track record too. You have changed your perspective on certain things over the years and have evolved into someone slightly different than the person I knew in 2009. So I don't agree that people don't change. They can and I have. True, I still have BDD but I know how to control it now. I have less problems with self esteem too. I am much happier with myself than when I was younger. I may live with regrets but still I am much happier.

 

[Afro_Vacancy]

When I was dating most women considered a long term relationship at least 5 years. Long term can have multiple meanings for everyone. Let me remind you of your track record too. You have changed your perspective on certain things over the years and have evolved into someone slightly different than the person I knew in 2009. So I don't agree that people don't change. They can and I have. True, I still have BDD but I know how to control it now. I have less problems with self esteem too. I am much happier with myself than when I was younger. I may live with regrets but still I am much happier.

How much of that is rational, and how much of that is the status symbol of having had boyfriends?

Do you ever get the impression that women love to point out stories of men who were interested in them but they turned them down because reasons?

 

[DoctorHouse]

How much of that is rational, and how much of that is the status symbol of having had boyfriends?

Do you ever get the impression that women love to point out stories of men who were interested in them but they turned them down because reasons?

Yes. The inquisitions during dating make me feel uncomfortable when they want to know about your past girlfriends or length of your long term relationships. I usually just want to focus on the person they are now and about their future goals in life.

 

[DoctorHouse]

Not 10/10, 9/10.

Previous one would be 8/10 but the point missing there was a major flaw in my ex:

Dishonesty.

She was always pretending that she was fine, happy, smiling, submissive, pleasing me in every way possible.

She was incapable of communicating honestly about the things that made her uncomfortable in our relationship.

Probably because she was afraid to offend me, and also because she was unable to be assertive, too uncomfortable for her.

And it went on after her abortion, she did everything in her power to not have an adult conversation with me about it.

"I just can't, it hurts to much! It makes me too uncomfortable! You don't understand, I can't see you or talk to you, even on the phone! Let's stay on Facebook!"

My current girlfriend? She's always bluntly honest (without being mean). If something bothers her, she's going to say it immediately.

And this goes both ways. It took me a while to realize how important this is.

Being in a relationship with a 'yes woman' who does everything to please you might sound good on paper (boy the things I made her do!) but it always backfires at a point.

When you are honest with each other and have great communication, you will definitely have less challenges. Most people don't ever have good communication and honesty yet make it work because they don't want to be alone. Or in some cases the sex is so good it makes up for everything else.

 

[Afro_Vacancy]

Yes. The inquisitions during dating make me feel uncomfortable when they want to know about your past girlfriends or length of your long term relationships. I usually just want to focus on the person they are now and about their future goals in life.

Yeah the woman I saw on Sunday asked me if I had ever been in love.

She was a psychiatrist, I think she was triggered because she was recently with a heavily autistic guy who didn't seem capable of loving people.

I told her the truth, yes, I've been in love twice.

But women want to know that other woman have been with you for a long period of time, otherwise they see you as a cast-off. I need to come up with a good white lie for that.

 

[DoctorHouse]

Yeah the woman I saw on Sunday asked me if I had ever been in love.

She was a psychiatrist, I think she was triggered because she was recently with a heavily autistic guy who didn't seem capable of loving people.

I told her the truth, yes, I've been in love twice.

But women want to know that other woman have been with you for a long period of time, otherwise they see you as a cast-off. I need to come up with a good white lie for that.

That is my point. You are a great catch but women are going to cast you aside if they find out you are not too experienced in your 30's. So if it takes a good white lie to put you back in the game then do it. However, on the other hand, you don't need someone who will not give you a chance and accept you just as you are. We know your potential and it would be a shame for you to be discounted all the time just because you have never really had a long term serious intimate(sexual) relationship. Once you find someone who can accept you the way you are, you will know it.

 

[Dench57]

However, on the other hand, you don't need someone who will not give you a chance and accept you just as you are. We know your potential and it would be a shame for you to be discounted all the time just because you have never really had a longer term serious intimate(sexual) relationship. Once you find someone who can accept you the way you are, you will know it.

This is a cope Doctor. Dave just needs to lie and says he's been in LTRs. Problem solved forever.

 

[DoctorHouse]

This is a cope Doctor. Dave just needs to lie and says he's been in LTRs. Problem solved forever.

Dench, I agree with you totally. That white lie should not have too many consequences or collateral damage. However there are certain white lies that most definitely will. In this case, for his sake it might be valuable so he won't be casted off.

 

[JohnsonDDG]

Women talking about "love". LOL They "love" noone but themselves and good looks, guess the autistic guy was rather handsome if she got triggered so much.

You forgot money

 

[Dench57]

You forgot money

and big black c****