My worst baldness-related experience was undoubtedly the night I caught my (ex) girlfriend cheating on me with a thick NW1.
I'd gotten home from what was supposed to be a late shift at work a couple of hours early. Let myself into the flat and heard strange yelps, moans and grunting noises emanating from what appeared to be our bedroom.
Heart in my throat, I mounted the stairs. As I got closer to the room, it was clear the noises were sexual - I braced myself for what I feared I was about to see.
In one, swift movement I threw open the door to find my beloved, usually sexually-inhibited, girlfriend in an upside down U-position over the headboard of the bed. Behind her, a butch NW1 was ploughing her backdoor doggie-style while she strummed herself off and groaned.
I reached for my travel-sized bottle of minoxidil (which I keep in my jacket pocket in case of emergencies) and crept up behind the man, planning on hurling the contents into his eyes (and hopefully blinding him for life). I was just about to grapple him when my girlfriend (still unaware that I was behind her) said 7 words that will haunt me for as long as I live: "oh yes, pound me with your NW1!!!!!".
I stopped dead in my tracks, paralysed by what I'd just heard. The man responded instantly: "mmm yeah, you like my straight hairline babe, you like it?" "YES OH GOD YESSSSSS" "Good, then maybe you'd like to know that" he whispered this last part into her right ear erotically, "my density is over 300 hairs per cubic centimetre".
As if on cue, she exploded. The c*m squirted violently from her c*** as she bent backwards, groping desperately for his thick mane. I ducked back out of the door as she did so. I was relieved I had escaped unseen, but traumatised by what I had just witnessed.
Later I would look through her phone and find thousands of secret text conversations between her and the NW1, mocking my shiny dome. I broke up with her later that week. Moral of the story: hair matters.
