So What's Wrong With Being Confident Again?

[GoldenMane]

What's wrong with jeans? I personally love a good pair of flattering jeans. It doesn't make sense that you'd choose an average woman in a skirt over a hot woman in jeans.

I really dislike jeans. A dress, a skirt, a shorts and leggings combo, anything but blue jeans... A great fashion sense can really elevate an average looking woman to a very hot one.

 

[kj6723]

I really dislike jeans. A dress, a skirt, a shorts and leggings combo, anything but blue jeans... A great fashion sense can really elevate an average looking woman to a very hot one.

I mean, can't she wear both?

 

[GoldenMane]

I mean, can't she wear both?

The last girl I dated pretty much only wore blue jeans, these pyjama like trousers and never wore skirts, leggings or dresses. She was a 6 who kind of dresses like a mom... If she dressed nicer she could have elevated to a 7 or 8 in my eyes. Of course her personality was her best trait, always fun and nice to be around. For a relationship I would take that over a sexy, hot but boring or unpleasant woman. But if I just want sexy then looks are all that matters. We look for different things in relationship partners s d sexual partners. If they overlap then you're on to a winner, never happened for me yet.
I guess a girl who wears both would be cool, in that case you would obviously pick the 8 over the 6.

But if I'm at a club, an average woman who dresses cute/sexy/cool might attract me more than an above average girl who dresses in blue jeans.

 

[PappinAce]

The thing is though, confidence is situation specific. I actually think 'confidence' as a term is moronic, because it is usually implied that it is some universal thing.

For example, are you confident that you can:
a) Successfully perform an open heart surgery on someone if you've never done it before?
b) Do 30 consecutive pullups if you're a couch potato?
c) Tackle a dirt bike course if you've never ridden a bike in your life?

If you say 'yes' to those questions in those situations, you're not confident, you're a delusional idiot.

Now I get that the morale of your post is 'forget about women' but I still don't see the relevance of confidence in that. Lack of hair doesn't really prevent me from being good at my hobbies so I still have my confidence in those things with or without hair. It prevents me with dealing with people and interacting socially on the same level as I used to. So that is kinda like someone being a piano player and losing an arm and then you telling him to just be confident in his skills as a painter because he only needs one arm there.

Good points, I agree. Hair loss is about accepting that you won't be as physically attractive anymore, but continuing to do and love the things you can do with or without hair. I'm not a very sexual being so it's easier for me to not give a sh*t about getting laid, but I can see how it would be more important to others.

Sure, you've lost something. I'm not sitting here pretending you can force confidence and keep doing the same thing you used to do with women when you had hair. You cannot. That's over, or at least 90% more difficult. I know, it sucks. However, it's the career and hobbies that bring you a deeper level of fulfillment and meaning. It's just hard to get over the hurdle of putting the hot blondes and night clubs behind you.

Also, the negative cowards of this forum are not equipped to be in a long relationship with or without hair anyway. The level of selfishness and failure to empathize with anyone outside of hair loss sufferers already makes that clear. So don't kid yourselves; what you guys want is one night stands and f*** buddies, and you can buy those in Nevada if you're that desperate.

"Be confident! Men like confident women." No we don't, confidence in women will turn most men off.

Lmao what? It might turn you off. But you don't get to speak for "most men".

 

[whatevr]

Also, the negative cowards of this forum are not equipped to be in a long relationship with or without hair anyway. The level of selfishness and failure to empathize with anyone outside of hair loss sufferers already makes that clear. So don't kid yourselves; what you guys want is one night stands and f*** buddies, and you can buy those in Nevada if you're that desperate.

Far from it that this is some kind of "We fix your life and relationshit" forum.
We deal primarily with the psychological aspect of hair loss. That may compound with other pre-existing defects of personality, or not.
There is some overlap, either way.

Some people may arguably be far more negative and corrosive than they would have otherwise been without hair loss. It brings out the worst in people. But that's beside the point.

What "we guys" want is individual. Some want those things you mentioned. Others want to be attractive for their future partner in marriage.
Some just want to look in the mirror and be happy about what they see. They want to feel confident about their appearance again.
The only thing we all have in common is that we feel worse for hair loss and want to get rid of it.

All these other psychological analyses are superfluous, and even insulting when all you have to judge on is someone's jaded posts on an Internet forum.

 

[Afro_Vacancy]

What's wrong with jeans? I personally love a good pair of flattering jeans. It doesn't make sense that you'd choose an average woman in a skirt over a hot woman in jeans.

Both skirts and jeans can be flattering or unflattering. Personally I find black skirts that are a little wavy and stop a little above the knee incredibly sexy, but there are lots of ways to be sexy.

 

[PappinAce]

What "we guys" want is individual. Some want those things you mentioned. Others want to be attractive for their future partner in marriage.

True. We're all individuals. That's why it's unfair to hijack topics with talk of "you're delusional, have fun with your fake coping" or "confidence is useless because it won't get you laid".

If we've narrowed down someone's distress about hair loss to solely the woman aspect, then yes, it's fair to tell them confidence doesn't come out of a vacuum, and even if you can fake it it won't be enough. I never stated otherwise. I just argue that confidence is a valuable characteristic independent of attempts to get laid.

 

[hellouser]

Confidence is a byproduct of predictability.

Anyone who refuses to accept that fact lives by the blue pill and their opinion needs not be heard.

 

[DoctorHouse]

Confidence is a byproduct of competence. When you have the ability to be more successful at what you do, you gain confidence. For example, if you still are able to be successful with women even if you are going bald you are going to have confidence as a by product. When you don't have the ability to be successful at what you do, you will definitely lack confidence. If you get rejected all the time because you are balding, you will lack confidence automatically. If a doctor constantly makes the wrong diagnosis on his patients and they die, he will lack confidence and becomes incompetent at his skill. Virgins have no confidence until they gain the ability to be successful in satisfying their partner which is what we call competence. And we gain competency by doing something over and over until we can do it successful all the time. And when we finally get to that point we become confident.

 

[PappinAce]

Exactly, DoctorHouse. Like I said, confidence doesn't arise out of a vacuum. Simply telling people "be confident" is ridiculous advice. It's like telling people "just be gay, dude" when they go to prison. If I'm not gay then I'm not gay, and if I'm not confident then I'm not confident. No, I would reframe the advice as "keep doing the things that make you confident".

 

[hellouser]

Confidence is a byproduct of competence. When you have the ability to be more successful at what you do, you gain confidence. For example, if you still are able to be successful with women even if you are going bald you are going to have confidence as a by product. When you don't have the ability to be successful at what you do, you will definitely lack confidence. If you get rejected all the time because you are balding, you will lack confidence automatically. If a doctor constantly makes the wrong diagnosis on his patients and they die, he will lack confidence and becomes incompetent at his skill. Virgins have no confidence until they gain the ability to be successful in satisfying their partner which is what we call competence. And we gain competency by doing something over and over until we can do it successful all the time. And when we finally get to the point we become confident.

Somebody understands the meaning of confidence, FINALLY.

 

[Afro_Vacancy]

Pappin: I've been dating a girl over the past few weeks. She's a few years older than me (I'm in my early thirties), and looks it. Her hair is very thin with see-through scalp etc.

But: wicked smart, extremely funny and competent. Real depth of character. One of the best matches I've ever had in terms of personality.

She's slightly near-sighted and doesn't wear contact lenses. As we've been intimate and had sex a few times, she's started noticing my hairline a lot more (I'm a heavily diffusing NW3, borderline NW4) and picked apart my combover so that she sees how I disguise it.

Last time we saw each other, she started commenting on it. "Well, at least you have some hair, some guys have no hair at all and that's really ugly".

Keep in mind her dad is slick bald.

I brush it off, telling her "yup, it's kinda crap but at least it's there right?"

After our date, I ask her whether she wants to see me again. I then get this: "sorry, I've had a great time with you, we're a great match and we want the same things. I've just gotten uncertain about you, and I trust my intuition". No hint whatsoever prior to the hair conversation taking place.

This is the second time this has happened to me. Other girl had completely different characteristics but same progression. As she got intimate she could see the extent of my loss and then lost interest.

So hair loss doesn't bother me because I can't bang reams of club sl*ts. No, it bothers me because it's a real obstacle to having relationships with people I respect and care deeply about on a personal level.

I'm good at my job and competent in many areas, and it does feed through into a sort of general confidence around my worth as a human being. But the negative effects of hair loss on my romantic life are of such a magnitude that it cancels out. It doesn't matter how good or smart I am, because I'm denied companionship with the women I really like.

Don't think there's much of value in what you're saying, to be honest. It's just more shifting of the blame over to the hair loss sufferers.

Nice to see you again, but sorry about the bad news.

 

[Bobster231]

Some of the cowards on this forum scoff at the idea of confidence and call people delusional when they encourage others. Why is this? From what I gather, what they're saying is essentially "confidence is pointless because it won't get you laid" or "women can't run their hair through your confidence". But why jump to the conclusion that it's all about sex? I bet most of you negative cowards (you know who you are) still think in terms of "getting" a girlfriend.

People don't advise hair loss sufferers to be confident because it will bring you success with women. Y'all are the ones who jumped to that conclusion and fundamentally misunderstand the point of being confident. Confidence in and of itself is the goal. It's about dedicating yourself to the things you're passionate about and the things you find meaningful, and once you find your purpose doing that, it's where confidence comes from. It's not a tool to get laid. I'll admit you're going to get laid a lot less when you go bald. Who gives a f***? Accept it, and use your f*****g hand. If your life revolves around how much pussy you smash, your confidence is built on a house of cards.

There is more that can bring you joy in life than sex with women. And virtually all of them can be done without hair. You're not going to get excited at how handsome you are in the mirror anymore, but you gotta continue to live your life without your vanity.

Hair is more than vanity. Nobody loses their hair or wants to lose it by choice unless you decide you want to be bald with a completely shaved head.

Hair is part of your body and hair loss is a genetic "disease". It's the exact same thing as losing a limb. The disease and condition causes you to lose your hair.

 

[PappinAce]

Pappin: I've been dating a girl over the past few weeks. She's a few years older than me (I'm in my early thirties), and looks it. Her hair is very thin with see-through scalp etc.

But: wicked smart, extremely funny and competent. Real depth of character. One of the best matches I've ever had in terms of personality.

She's slightly near-sighted and doesn't wear contact lenses. As we've been intimate and had sex a few times, she's started noticing my hairline a lot more (I'm a heavily diffusing NW3, borderline NW4) and picked apart my combover so that she sees how I disguise it.

Last time we saw each other, she started commenting on it. "Well, at least you have some hair, some guys have no hair at all and that's really ugly".

Keep in mind her dad is slick bald.

I brush it off, telling her "yup, it's kinda crap but at least it's there right?"

After our date, I ask her whether she wants to see me again. I then get this: "sorry, I've had a great time with you, we're a great match and we want the same things. I've just gotten uncertain about you, and I trust my intuition". No hint whatsoever prior to the hair conversation taking place.

This is the second time this has happened to me. Other girl had completely different characteristics but same progression. As she got intimate she could see the extent of my loss and then lost interest.

So hair loss doesn't bother me because I can't bang reams of club sl*ts. No, it bothers me because it's a real obstacle to having relationships with people I respect and care deeply about on a personal level.

I'm good at my job and competent in many areas, and it does feed through into a sort of general confidence around my worth as a human being. But the negative effects of hair loss on my romantic life are of such a magnitude that it cancels out. It doesn't matter how good or smart I am, because I'm denied companionship with the women I really like.

Don't think there's much of value in what you're saying, to be honest. It's just more shifting of the blame over to the hair loss sufferers.

That's terrible dude, I'm sorry that happened to you. She did text you again though. I guess she saw you were already receding and imagined you would look like her dad in the future, and that could be a big turn off. But maybe she's reflected on it and realized there are more important qualities than hair? You seem like a self-aware and competent guy so she would be stupid to turn you away because of a hairline, especially in your thirties!

I wonder if this sort of thing could have happened if it had been longer? One, two years of dating and an even more intimate connection? Or is the deal never sealed, and can be broken at literally any time by hair loss?

I think you might have misunderstood my intention. I'm not at all shifting the blame to hair loss sufferers. I'm only saying they need to accept the cards they've been dealt in the looks and dating department, but not throw away all the rest of their good cards. And I'm calling out the cowards who try to bring them down and shoot down any words of valid encouragement as "delusion". I fully support being real. As your story shows, dating women will never be the same. We just need to add that little bit before we delve into the "be confident" advice.

I barely mentioned I was going to have a hair transplant.

Sometimes there's a disconnect between your perception and reality. You might have thought it was just one tiny mention, but women pick up on a lot of hints. You can't hide stuff that's eating away at you that much. I've heard a lot of guys say "she left me because of my insecurity over hair, but I barely ever said anything!" Well, even two or three comments + body language + lack of confidence in oneself is a total giveaway to most women, even if you thought you were hiding it well.

Not that it's a problem. Nobody said it's easy to deal with hair loss. And I'd like to see how insecure a women would get if those long locks they're constantly fluffing and twirling suddenly started to fall out.

 

[blackg]

I accepted this girl's wrinkles, her shark eyes and her thin hair.

What exactly do you mean by "shark eyes", Zircon?

 

[Dante92]

They're really dark and have a dead, dull look to them. It's so similar to how a shark's eyes look that it's bizarrely fascinating. It put me off at first but I'm used to it now.

My eyes have the same look; the look of someone who died inside long ago.

 

[Dante92]

A cope-free life will do that to you.

People in general will do that to you. Life would be much easier if people didn't judge, mock, humiliate and hurt other people.

 

[pjhair]

The deal is never sealed. I was sure it was with my ex, because she seemed so in love with me.

But in the end, the feminist propaganda she believed in (her career, dreams, I don't need a man or a family) won over her love for me.

She even seemed angry at the fact she couldn't hate me for something, she said it was even harder for her since I was so irreproachable. The worst she said was: "You always want to appear cool, literally and figuratively."

So you can be this "perfect" boyfriend, she can be very in love with you, and she'll still leave you. The deal is never sealed.

That's a really scary thing. Having gone though the horror of divorce once, I don't want to go through it again. Even if I do get into a relationship in future and/or get married, there is no guarantee that it wouldn't happen again. Sometimes it feels that relationships aren't worth the potential pain that they cause. The best thing a man in my situation can do is learn to enjoy life without women. However, it's easier said than done.

 

[DoctorHouse]

Zircon, glad to see you came back. I agree with Pap, that your hair loss might trigger this girl to associate that with her dad and she is transferring her judgement of her dad to you. Obviously she has "daddy" issues that she is starting to channel to you just because you are losing your hair. And of course, people are telling her to keep pursuing you because you seem like a good match in personality. So that is why you heard from her again. I know deep down inside you are aware this girl has some insecurities of her own but then again so do you. You might be projecting some of those when she made the comment she is not sure about you and her being exclusive and long term. You may be projecting something yourself that you are totally unaware of that is causing doubt in her mind. If you truly want to have a relationship with this girl, you cannot let conversations like that go with a more specific explanation of why she feels the way she does. And if it means you have to lay some of your insecurity cards on the table, then do it.

No relationship can survive without talking about your feelings with one another. You can't read her mind so you have to know why she says the things she says. The truth may hurt a few times here and there but it will build character. Not only that but it shows their "true colors" of who they really are. Relationships can only evolve when you trust one another to reveal all your thoughts even if it means someone is going to get hurt in the process. It all about the delivery. You have to find a way to tell someone something without sounding like an ***. Shallowness lurks in all of us. If you can evolve and grow together even if you throw in a few bits of shallowness here and there, your relationship will blossom. If you truly can accept this girl's insecurities along with your own, then your relationship might just survive long term. The number one reason why relationships fail is becomes there is lack of communication and too much "mind reading". And we all know, not every psychic can read your mind.

 

[swingline747]

if you are confident then you BETTER have something to back it up. Dont walk around like youre the shiz and dont expect to be called out on it.

And any woman who is associating you with her dad because youre bald is full of sh*t. Would she say the same if her dad was a NW1? nope.