I would swim up the Amazon with 45-pound dumbbells tied to my scrotum and Ellen Degeneres� queef as my air supply if it meant I could eat a seafood dinner with her over skype on a dial up internet connection.
I would drag my balls through 100 kms of serrated blades and eat 100 kms of her feces just so I could enter a lottery in which the winning prize is to hear her dad fart through a walkie-talkie
I would dive to the bottom of a pool filled with human feces and AIDS needles just to find a knife that I can use to cut the corneas out of my eyes only to lick the hairy sweaty taint of the guy that delivered pizza next door to a guy that knows another guy that walked past her on the sidewalk 5 years ago.
I would walk naked backwards through a forest fire wearing nothing but a gasoline filled jumpsuit while a swarm of angry bees compete for the right to sting my eyeballs just for the chance to listen to her mothers gay best friend sing "Its raining men" in my ear through a megaphone
I would drag my sac over 6.32 miles of salt-covered broken glass, syringes used by HIV patients, and worm-infested dog feces just to battle a hungry lion that once ate a gazelle that was fed by a tourist who shook hands with a guy that sniffed a chair you sat on 3 years ago
I would make 1000 tiny papercuts all over my scrotum then submerge it in lime juice for 3 days while being fed steven hawking's extra saliva through a feeding tube while forced to watch a looping video of my entire family getting gangraped then murdered with meat tenderizers then raped again just to be in the audience at a game show that her mother used to enjoy watching on sunday evenings
I would have my testicles plopped out on the pavement and slowly rolled over by a steam roller as my eyes are taped open and forced to watch as the blood and semen shoots out and then have my deflated nutless skin chewed on by rabid wolves and have my *** hole shaved with a rusty razor blade, just to finish a half eaten burger out of the bottom of a dumpster that somebody that went to elementary school with her had eaten.
I'd drag my dick through a field of honey-coated bits of glass, continue to drag my dick to the nearest and biggest colony of bullet-ants living on the back of an angry alpha brown bear, then tie 10 yards of THICK fishing wire around my scrotum and tie the end of the line to a 150 pound dumbell, toss it into the mouth of a mother-****ing hot geyser and salsa dance with the pope, JUST to chew on the discarded tampon of an overweight woman that happens to have a membership to the same chain-gym (but not same location) she works out at.
I would strap myself to a table and let Marius Pudianowski reign down his heaviest blows upon my crotch for 30 seconds straight while listening to Rick Astley's "never gonna give you up" just to shave my pubes with her armpit shaving razor
I would drag my freshly-shaven nutsack across a bed double-layered with ancient Mayan obsidian blades while crawling on all fours with Rosie O'Donnell straddled on my back (*** positioned in my face) just so I could stroke a strand of nose hair from the guy who last borrowed one of her overdue library books.
I would run thru the streets of atlanta naked screaming the n word while having baseball pitchers throw darts at balloons attached to my balls just to see a picture of the armpit of the son of the man who works for a company that took a low resolution satellite image of her walking into a mall on a rainy day.
