The Frequent "official" Origin Of My Recent Failures With Women

[SmoothSailing]

I find the opposite sometimes, I recently had an open and honest conversation (while on coke) with people who assumed I'd be arrogant, or "too cool for them". I actually feel like this sometimes, people are less receptive to me or open to me, because of their initial presumption that I might feel like I'm better than them.

This is a good point. I look very innocent, often being described as 'friendly looking', kind of disarming. Not good for getting girls but it has advantages. In school when I got in trouble I'd often get away with more than others, for example. It helps me get on with people I've recently met.

Different situations will favour different looks. Say there's a party and a real good looking dude shows up, other guys might react negatively as their chances diminish.
But this is kind of a separate thing to the halo effect in my opinion, more conscious.

The halo effect is very real and sometimes scarily strong. I remember all my friends on holidays were bitching about this 3/10 fat girl who came with us, " she's quite weird and touchy" etc. 100% this would have been different if she was good looking. It happens subconsciously so even if you're aware of it, it can be hard to know if your opinions are being affected by it.


Although with this girl I think she really is "nice" acting. Even if she were fat it would have been hard to describe her as shitty until the money ran out.

 

[Roberto_72]

In this community, we often mock the PUA for emphasizing social skills, or perhaps it might seem that way. I do think that is misguided as social skills are extremely important, my honest impression of the PUAs is that they either have poor social skills, or they don't explicitly understand their own social skills.

This is a very good point. PUAs don't understand they own a talent, not a science. I would not want to be in the shoes of their "students" when they understand that PU tactics don't work for them.

 

[hairblues]

This is a good point. I look very innocent, often being described as 'friendly looking', kind of disarming. Not good for getting girls but it has advantages. In school when I got in trouble I'd often get away with more than others, for example. It helps me get on with people I've recently met.

Different situations will favour different looks. Say there's a party and a real good looking dude shows up, other guys might react negatively as their chances diminish.
But this is kind of a separate thing to the halo effect in my opinion, more conscious.

The halo effect is very real and sometimes scarily strong. I remember all my friends on holidays were bitching about this 3/10 fat girl who came with us, " she's quite weird and touchy" etc. 100% this would have been different if she was good looking. It happens subconsciously so even if you're aware of it, it can be hard to know if your opinions are being affected by it.


Although with this girl I think she really is "nice" acting. Even if she were fat it would have been hard to describe her as shitty until the money ran out.

She is young she may be nice/polite but she may also be being taught this is the 'way' to be with foreign men to get drinks, dinner etc...

She did a very shitty thing--but she has NO idea how fucked up it is because she is not looking at it from your perspective.

I'm not excusing her I am just saying don't feel like you were totally conned by some mastermind manipulator or blinded by a beautiful 'b**ch' by some mystical halo...she is probably a young seemingly nice persons who thinks it's not doing you any harm...she has NO idea how emotional this is for you.
Really she is just selfish.

 

[SmoothSailing]

This is a very good point. PUAs don't understand they own a talent, not a science. I would not want to be in the shoes of their "students" when they understand that PU tactics don't work for them.

I can't consciously act socially, if that makes any sense. Well I can but it's immediately obvious that I'm not being myself.

For example I used to never ever make eye contact. I then started consciously doing it but it was very awkward and instead of listening or whatever I was in my head thinking about the correct way to keep eye contact.

What's true is that the more you socialize the better you get. And to have general aims that you don't consciously think about when socializing.

A few that I had back when I was socially retarded include smiling more often, asking more questions, better posture, speaking louder, saying things that come to my head without analyzing first.

 

[Rudiger]

you come off one of the least angsty or mad imo.

i bolded it cuz i think you're basically inverse coping like you said haha. you dont want to know you have it easy

remember i had "issues" when i had hair too . . . . but at the end of the day i always had my self worth. even back then i was thankful for it. i didn't know sh*t about low self esteem haha

I feel like being punished for being honest! I'm constantly looking at myself objectively, it's a possibility that I'm seeing things like this because of my situation. Don't jump on it as a definitive fact or an admission of guilt, I simply don't know either way. So when you smugly write "there we go..." or whatever, don't take my honesty as the end of it.

i don't know you on here that well but I don't think you are 'angrier' then anyone else who seem 'calm' in their well composed posts. I have seen people poking you for a reaction repeatedly and then when you give it they are labeling you the 'angry' one.
You may have a temper when people provoke you but I don't think you go unprovoked.
Just my limited observation. What you did before I joined i cant comment

This means a lot to me actually - but at the same time I can antagonise others.

In an odd way I'm representing what Exodus might see me as, because I get in so many "battles" with other forum members I was surprised to see that he feels I'm this happy-go-lucky character.

 

[SmoothSailing]

She is young she may be nice/polite but she may also be being taught this is the 'way' to be with foreign men to get drinks, dinner etc...

She did a very shitty thing--but she has NO idea how fucked up it is because she is not looking at it from your perspective.

I'm not excusing her I am just saying don't feel like you were totally conned by some mastermind manipulator or blinded by a beautiful 'b**ch' by some mystical halo...she is probably a young seemingly nice persons who thinks it's not doing you any harm...she has NO idea how emotional this is for you.
Really she is just selfish.

Yeah I agree she probably has no idea how it affects me, probably just taught I was like "damn I didn't get laid and spent money" and that was it.

Reality is that the money or the lack of sex is far less painful than the way she treated me and how it hurts my ego. If she had to go somewhere or something I would have thought "good night with a sexy girl".

I always try not to demonize people as I think we're all fucked in different ways. But when it comes to girls like that I find it very hard not to hate. Not trying to be holier-than-thou or anything but I genuinely could never do that to a girl. I would feel so shitty afterwards, a free night would never be worth it.

 

[Exodus2011]

I feel like being punished for being honest! I'm constantly looking at myself objectively, it's a possibility that I'm seeing things like this because of my situation. Don't jump on it as a definitive fact or an admission of guilt, I simply don't know either way. So when you smugly write "there we go..." or whatever, don't take my honesty as the end of it.



This means a lot to me actually - but at the same time I can antagonise others.

In an odd way I'm representing what Exodus might see me as, because I get in so many "battles" with other forum members I was surprised to see that he feels I'm this happy-go-lucky character.

ok well thats true. i forgot you do get angry when arguing with some members here. lol. but you always stay reasonable and dont freely insult so i dont really count that as too mad

thats good you stay objective. its important to do so as theres a lot of BDD going around these days . also i wouldn't describe you as happy go lucky but socially adjusted. in the same vein as wolf pack

 

[hairblues]

Yeah I agree she probably has no idea how it affects me, probably just taught I was like "damn I didn't get laid and spent money" and that was it.

Reality is that the money or the lack of sex is far less painful than the way she treated me and how it hurts my ego. If she had to go somewhere or something I would have thought "good night with a sexy girl".

I always try not to demonize people as I think we're all fucked in different ways. But when it comes to girls like that I find it very hard not to hate. Not trying to be holier-than-thou or anything but I genuinely could never do that to a girl. I would feel so shitty afterwards, a free night would never be worth it.

I understand

She is 'careless' with people...it is almost worst than a legitimate grifter.

 

[Rudiger]

ok well thats true. i forgot you do get angry when arguing with some members here. lol. but you always stay reasonable and dont freely insult so i dont really count that as too mad

Oh man this made my day on top of hairblues comment. I do get in a lot of sh*t with other members, and I sometimes feel like "why does this keep happening to me? Is it me?"

I try not to freely insult as you say, because I've learned it takes things off the topic. But thank you.

 

[Afro_Vacancy]

You have some anger @h.l. but it's fine. Anger is part of the human emotional spectrum, there would be something wrong with you if you were never angry. Popular culture, particularly American popular culture, stresses the need to be "happy" all the time, always smile, always be polite, but that is actually very unhealthy and unnatural. Grief, anxiety, anger, jealousy, are completely natural and even healthy in the right context.

I don't see you getting into excessive sh*t. You had a long running argument with @WhitePolarBear and that's died down, where the argument reflected genuine ideological differences rather than petty nonsense. I also saw you get into a fight with nameless recently, and the rclark -- join the club.

My therapist discussed my own anger issues with me recently, and as such this issue is on my mind. She says it's important to recognize anger when it's there and not to try and subdue it, as then it risks coming out laterally. Though everything I wrote in the first paragraph is something I would have said six months ago, I was not realizing that I might have my own issues as well, in my case of having a lot of anger coupled with coping mechanisms meant to subdue or hide said anger.

In general though I personally don't like fighting on the forum. I come here and treat it as an escape hatch, a safety valve, a place to relax, so I scoff at attempts to nitpick and provoke. I've spent a lot of time on forums, when I was younger I was an argumentative person, got into heated debates and moderators (on other forums) would threaten to ban me, or even ban me. That hasn't happened in years as I've decided that there are more important places to care.

 

[Rudiger]

You have some anger @h.l. but it's fine. Anger is part of the human emotional spectrum, there would be something wrong with you if you were never angry. Popular culture, particularly American popular culture, stresses the need to be "happy" all the time, always smile, always be polite, but that is actually very unhealthy and unnatural. Grief, anxiety, anger, jealousy, are completely natural and even healthy in the right context.

I don't see you getting into excessive sh*t. You had a long running argument with @WhitePolarBear and that's died down, where the argument reflected genuine ideological differences rather than petty nonsense. I also saw you get into a fight with nameless recently, and the rclark -- join the club.

My therapist discussed my own anger issues with me recently, and as such this issue is on my mind. She says it's important to recognize anger when it's there and not to try and subdue it, as then it risks coming out laterally. Though everything I wrote in the first paragraph is something I would have said six months ago, I was not realizing that I might have my own issues as well, in my case of having a lot of anger coupled with coping mechanisms meant to subdue or hide said anger.

In general though I personally don't like fighting on the forum. I come here and treat it as an escape hatch, a safety valve, a place to relax, so I scoff at attempts to nitpick and provoke. I've spent a lot of time on forums, when I was younger I was an argumentative person, got into heated debates and moderators (on other forums) would threaten to ban me, or even ban me. That hasn't happened in years as I've decided that there are more important places to care.

This is the icing on the cake in terms of feeling validated for my "attacks" on here.

 

[hairblues]

This is the icing on the cake in terms of feeling validated for my "attacks" on here.

You were totally validated in my opinion with the one I saw which was semi recently.
Some people are direct with their aggression or issues and others are indirect and it can be very subtle to most posters.
I caught it as it happened in real time. And you response was direct.
The analogy is someone 'innocently' poking you in back repeatedly compared to head on face to face dish it out.

 

[pjhair]

How did you go from happily married to divorce?

It's complicated to explain what went wrong. It was 99% my fault for not treating her as an adult. I kept ignoring her advises and suggestions. My anxiety was a big issue too. Additionally, we had to live in two different states because of my job and her college. Living in different cities at the very beginning of marriage was a foolish step but at the time I didn't know any better. I am confident that had we lived together, we wouldn't have gotten divorced. Like I said, it's complicated to explain but these are some of the issues our marriage faced.

How did you fare financially in the divorce?

My divorce only cost me a couple of hundred dollars. My ex-wife is a really nice women. She didn't ask for anything. She could have asked to keep the brand new car that I had bought as I put it on both of our names, but she didn't. In fact, several months AFTER our divorce, she offered me $7000 to pay off my credit card debt. I told her that I am thinking about taking a part time job so that I can hurry up and pay off that debt. She was so sad at the thought of me working a second job that she offered the money.

Even though my divorce at the time didn't cost me any money, I did lose money in future income as I quit my job at the time and found a new job in the same city my ex-wife lived. I knew that there is only 1% chance that the marriage will survive but I still wanted to do it so as to not have any future regret. Anyway, in my old job I had around $50,000 worth of RSU that were going to vest in 2016. Those stocks are worth $75,000 now. But since I quit the job few years before 2016, I lost all that money. I don't regret that at all. At least I know that I tried my best.

 

[Roberto_72]

It's complicated to explain what went wrong. It was 99% my fault for not treating her as an adult. I kept ignoring her advises and suggestions. My anxiety was a big issue too. Additionally, we had to live in two different states because of my job and her college. Living in different cities at the very beginning of marriage was a foolish step but at the time I didn't know any better. I am confident that had we lived together, we wouldn't have gotten divorced. Like I said, it's complicated to explain but these are some of the issues our marriage faced.



My divorce only cost me a couple of hundred dollars. My ex-wife is a really nice women. She didn't ask for anything. She could have asked to keep the brand new car that I had bought as I put it on both of our names, but she didn't. In fact, several months AFTER our divorce, she offered me $7000 to pay off my credit card debt. I told her that I am thinking about taking a part time job so that I can hurry up and pay off that debt. She was so sad at the thought of me working a second job that she offered the money.

Even though my divorce at the time didn't cost me any money, I did lose money in future income as I quit my job at the time and found a new job in the same city my ex-wife lived. I knew that there is only 1% chance that the marriage will survive but I still wanted to do it so as to not have any future regret. Anyway, in my old job I had around $50,000 worth of RSU that were going to vest in 2016. Those stocks are worth $75,000 now. But since I quit the job few years before 2016, I lost all that money. I don't regret that at all. At least I know that I tried my best.

Well this sounds like the most amicable divorce ever.
And your ex wife must have been a special person, it's been a pity man.

 

[pjhair]

Well this sounds like the most amicable divorce ever.
And your ex wife must have been a special person, it's been a pity man.

Yeah she is. The nicest and most innocent women I have ever met.

 

[Xander94]

Talked with some swedish super attractive 9+ woman. She told me that all that matters is confidence and personality for long term relationship and that she'd rather date Jack Black than Brad Pitt. She also said she had millionaires literally begging to marry her.

I guess for the incredibly attractive they've received validation all their lives and dont care about looks that much they just dont wanna get bored.

Time to go after 9+ women I guess?

(Blue pill over)

 

[Dante92]

Talked with some swedish super attractive 9+ woman. She told me that all that matters is confidence and personality for long term relationship and that she'd rather date Jack Black than Brad Pitt. She also said she had millionaires literally begging to marry her.

I guess for the incredibly attractive they've received validation all their lives and dont care about looks that much they just dont wanna get bored.

Sorry, mate, you know I'm your friend, but a guy who basically lives in a basement and can't bring himself to say hello to a girl, suddenly met a swedish 9/10 model and talked to her about such things

 

[Xander94]

Sorry, mate, you know I'm your friend, but a guy who basically lives in a basement and can't bring himself to say hello to a girl, suddenly met a swedish 9/10 model and talked to her about such things

I talked to her on the internet lul Im not leaving the basement unless going to work or the gym.

 

[Roberto_72]

I talked to her on the internet lul Im not leaving the basement unless going to work or the gym.

Again, how in the world do you think a supermodel could have brought herself to say personality is not the most important thing in the world? It would be like a Formula 1 manager saying he does not care about air pollution from cars. Basically professional suicide.


Just remember supermodels are the same people who say that beauty is not as important as personality TO BE A SUPERMODEL!

 

[Xander94]

Again, how in the world do you think a supermodel could have brought herself to say personality is not the most important thing in the world?
Just remember supermodels are the same people who say that beauty is not as important as personality TO BE A SUPERMODEL!

I dunno dude her boyfriend is a baldite around my height who is a hat prisoner. He has good face though I think. She is not model in profession.