What's the point if all you can attract is uglies or w****s?

[Smooth]

It happened me twice, and i actually bothered to ask one why she didn't want to keep in touch ( had nothing to lose...so why not to ask) and she told me that im "too sensitive" for her taste ... which is completely bs because we talked for 2 weeks before we went out (before we met irl) and she was the one who asked me out, meaning she reaaaally liked my personality, although i knew the answer i was very curious what she had to say .
The thing is i didn't keep dwelling on it and moved on to the next bi.. i mean girl... this how it goes when your bald/ing, and the sooner you learn to realize this, the easier it gets (after it happens once, twice three times .. you start to develop a thick skin) and don't forget that its nothing to do with you personalty, its the society/culture thats fucked up (think it terms of a young good looking girl and you will understand that you cant blame her either for this, this is what WE transmit into her head) gonna be tough, but set your aims right and you can get what you want... i dont think it will be easy to get your random sex with good looking girls your age, with older chicks - sure (dont let that one slip get you down) if its a long term relationship (which i have no idea why a guy your age will want to get into) then baldness actually works in your favor as it rules out all the superficial b****s, but again it will be harder...waaayyy harder actually, my old man used to say : " Nothing in this world that's worth having comes easy" ...start developing that thick skin my friend... and you will be fine.

btw, UM is right about 99.9% of the things he says, people fail to understand that the reason the guys so miserable is because he doesnt have that thick skin, people like to tell him "its all in his mind" which imo is complete bullshit...(i think he just enjoys dwelling every time someone judging or looking at him the wrong way...) so you can take what he has to say, just dont allow yourself inhabit this attitude as it DOES come from an extremely oversensitive persona, you don't want to end up in that guys shoes one day, do you?!

 

[BrightonBaldy]

Good post smooth, everything there is about right (even about UM).

The problem with having a thick skin is that it often comes over to folk as bitterness, which I suppose it is, its a good shield against b****s but then it becomes a barrier against everybody else in your life too.

 

[uncomfortable man]

Well I made an experiment on a dating site last summer. One profile when I had pics of me before I was getting bald. Recieved around 15 messanges a week from cute girls in my age. And one profile when I showed my baldness. One message in 1 month(and she was not even good looking!!!) and 3-5 replies out of around 100 mess sent. The purpose behind this was that I wanted to see the difference in attention from the opposite sex between the profiles. The most interesting thing about all this was that with the first profile I didnt wrote any information about myself whereas I did on the second one. And that information was pretty good. I lied of course and told I was studying to become a doctor etc. But it didnt matter. They rejected me cause I was bald on the second profile. They became either extremely turned off or just scared. Or both at the same time. Pretty interesting huh? I cant say I was suprised by the results.

The bottom line is that. Yes, I am JUDGED by my hairloss. Dont pretend Im not.

So yeah, just as I suspected. The evidence looks pretty overwhelming. But like smooth pointed out it is not your fault. You did nothing wrong. It is the culture that is skewed and it's affects are pervasive. It's got nothing to do with you not being man enough either :jackit: whatever that means (being estranged from your own emotions). I think certain people confuse the source of this misery with vanity and thus feel justified in trivializing the misery when it comes from a deeper instinct- conformity, the need to feel accepted like you belong to humanity. But when this society actively alienates you it has a HUGE impact on one's life (read The Scarlet Letter). I know it is easy to say "who cares what people think" but when it feels like every other person is looking at you and treating you like a freak, then the problem becomes tangible real fast and then all the sudden everything I am saying makes sense. Your not crazy and you are not imagining this! Don't let anyone convince you otherwise! I am all too familiar with that "inhuman" or "subhuman" feeling you describe Superfrankie. Why else do you think I call myself uncomfortable man?

 

[GeminiX]

I was just about to add something to this thread, but Paolo pretty much said it all.

This has already been posted by me on numerous threads, but I'll say it again. I am pretty much living proof that you can be bald, ugly, fat *and* have a medical condition which causes many people to openly insult, *hate* and laugh at you; yet I still lead a great life.

 

[superfrankie]

But what I didn't like was you dismissed the woman who was interested because she wasn't nice looking....yet if she had met you, she might be wonderful and adored you! You didn't give her a chance.


Turn the corner man! There is a whole life out there for you to enjoy!

If Im not attracted physically to a girl, there is no chance I will get interested, despite if her personality was great. There is NO WAY things can chance. I dont know what world you live in but I think Im speaking for 99,9999 % of all men when I say this. So you would actually spend time with a girl you dont feel physical attraction for? Come on man :shakehead:

My life is not screwed even though I get those feelings from time to time. Its easy to say I should forget about what others think of me but Im only human. I have needs and live in a time where its vital to get confirmation from others, especially from the opposite sex. Its difficult to just live your life, forget the girls and pretend everythings alright, when its not.

I agree with many of your tips. Bitterness and self pity in a man is of course extremely unattractive for a girl. If you have those, you will be rejected even though you are good looking. But sorry to say this, even though im superconfident I will still have a HARD TIME getting girls in my age. Before I could just look at them and they would come. But now...even though I show inner confidence that does not make them come to me when I look at them. I will still be considered as an physically unattractive man.

The best thing for me atm would be to try to enjoy the things I love doing. I have passion for a few things but my hair loss has drained me on energy and motivation. The way I look at myself in the mirror every morning is not gonna change.But it has to. I imagine myself with my hair and how well it framed my face. But now I just feel ugly and unattractive. Its hard to escape from it since I always gets reminded of my unsubstantial looks (especially from gazes on the streets) And no, Im not making this up. Thats just the way it is. Its reality and its nothing I can change.

To be able to change my attitude and live an enriched life despite this is going to be the biggest challenge I will ever face. To try to concentrate on my inner quailities and what my strenghts are and use them. This is EASIER SAID THAN DONE. It always is.

The world is cruel for a hair loss-sufferer in my age. But I dont wanna destroy my life. But its going to happen if this continues. I will never forgive myself then.

 

[superfrankie]

"If Im not attracted physically to a girl, there is no chance I will get interested, despite if her personality was great. There is NO WAY things can chance. I dont know what world you live in but I think Im speaking for 99,9999 % of all men when I say this. So you would actually spend time with a girl you dont feel physical attraction for? Come on man :shakehead: "

So when you say that 99.99% of men can't get interested in a girl if they are not physically attracted to her straight away, I think what you are saying is that you feel so strongly about this, that you think all men must be the same or all of the people you know think like that.

The thing is if you keep on torturing yourself as you are doing you will get yourself into a downward spiral. You have to find something that breaks this chain. At this stage you cannot regrow your hair, but there is so much you can do to make you feel good about yourself and others feel good about you too!

The underlying thing is that you must be attractive to a girl physically and its true that attractiveness can increase over time (as you get to know her better) BUT, you need to alteast feel she is sexy and good looking from the beginning. You dont change perception of a girl you find not attractive from the very beginning. It needs to be some attractiveness from the start or its impossible.

I will get into a downeard sprial? Im already there and Ive been there for over 2 years now. If Im not doing anything different soon this will kill me. Its that critical. Im not joking.

 

[superfrankie]

The most important thing is that I do the things I love in life and enjoy myself from there. Then I can talk about girls and relationships.That is second hand. First I must be happy about myself (that includes the way I see myself when I look in the mirror) and right now Im FAR AWAY from reaching that.

Screw girls. I know I cant have them atm.

 

[s.a.f]

Also you have to realise how young you are and how much time you have left.
Sure my life may be sh*t compared to the most attractive NW1's with hot girlfreinds ect ect.
But any life is a priveledge and the way I see it as long as I still have my health I'm going to stick around just to see what happens to this crazy world in the future, because if you have a girlfreind, NW1, money ect or not there is always going to be other things you can do, travel see the world, do sports achieve things. Its up to you.

 

[superfrankie]

The most important thing is that I do the things I love in life and enjoy myself from there. Then I can talk about girls and relationships.That is second hand. First I must be happy about myself (that includes the way I see myself when I look in the mirror) and right now Im FAR AWAY from reaching that.

Screw girls. I know I cant have them atm.

If other words, if you do nothing, then don't expect life to be any different. But as you said yesterday you need to DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT to break the downward spiral.

You can feel sorry for yourself for having no hair, but it doesn't matter how much sympathy you get, your hair won't grow again....so draw a line in the sand and accept it. It is a lot better situation than having cancer, AID or MS!

Next year (tomorrow), decide on what you need to do to make yourself feel good about yourself again. Decide what you are good at and pursue that as an ambition, build up an expertise, get a promotion at work, go to college and study for an extra qualification, join a sports team, help out a charity - but DO SOMETHING that will make you proud of what you have achieved, and put you in a position where people notice you for what you have achieved!

I used to work with a guy who lost all of his hair at age 19, and I met him when he was 24. He was a trainee sound engineer for a computer games company. He worked really hard to build up his expertise and after a while nobody noticed he had no hair, what they saw was a great sound engineer they could rely upon. Last time I heard from him he was working on Grand Theft Auto.

Do you get what I am saying? Give people a quality or a talent or an expertise that they can admire in you, that you can be proud of, and that is how they will see you. You will build up their respect and feel hugely better about yourself.

Try to pick something that isn't male dominated to get involvedin (eg not engine tuning or welding), and meeting a girl will just happen naturally, she'll find you.

I've kinda exhausted most of my repertoire of advice here, it is up to you now to change these words into action....and make 2010 a much better year than 2009 for you.

Let us all know what you have decided to do differently. "Do" being the operative word by the way, and not just talking about it or expecting someone to bring the solution to your door.

Have a great New Year and Best Wishes to everyone who has contributed to this blog in 2009.

Paolo

Its pretty obvious. If you do the same thing over and over again you will get the same results over and over again. Its all about getting yourself out of your comfort zone and behave differently. But none of this is going to happen if I have the same negative thoughts about myself. Then 2010 will be as bad, if not worse than 2009. (2009 has unarguably been the toughest year mentally for me. I really feel its now or never. New decade and everything. Im so f*****g tired of seing my limitations rather than the possiblities I posses deep inside.

Your friend is an inspiration to us all. I love soccer so I would love starting to play again. Also I have a passion for music and in the future I would love to be a trance producer. have already started producing a track and Im almost finished. Its one of the best feelings Ive haid lately and I know Im destined to continue with this. but as Ive said before, my hair loss has taken too much energy to be able to put my soul into the music and the soccer. When I still had my hair I consider myself as an 8-9/10 but when I lost my hair I consider myself as 3-4. Its a huge difference to be honest. Sometimes I almost cry when I see photos of me nowadays. And I know that first I need to change the way I perceive my appearance. I cant go around and feel Im the ugliest in the world. But hopefully that will change once I start challenge myself more and achieve things in the areas I have passion for. When I look at my life today and realize how much hair loss has inhibited me in doing what I love to do I just wanna cry. I feel so empty. Its indescribable. I thing like hair loss as literally destroyed many things already but I still have time to fix them. That is the reason why I dont feel life is over yet.

To get my life back is first priority. Its strange I put so much energy on thinking of girls when that is what I shouldnt do atm. But I guess that is cause I dont feel Im attractive enough to get them. Lets face it. Im 21 but today i look like 35-41. The only way to make me feel a little younger is to shave my head everyday (have done that for 1,5 years now and you dont wanna now how time consuming that is)


Happy new year to everyone!. This is the best forum Ive come across. Its a relief to come in here and feel your not alone.

 

[superfrankie]

Yes Ive read it and there are a few things in there I dont agree with.

I appreciate your thoughts though. See everything from a hair loss-perspective is not wholesome. Its poisonous in every way.

Happy new year!

 

[superfrankie]

Things are looking better now than in 2009. 2009 was a hell. Everything I did was controlled by my hair loss. Thats how it was. It still is in many ways (getting chicks in the same age group for ex. = impossible, atleast what I think know). I dont feel good, but Im starting to feel better as Ive done a few commitments to myself. I dont care anymore how much anxiety I feel as Im trying to get out of my comfort-zone. Its the only way around this hell Ive been in. Its either that way or remain in the black hole.

 

[superfrankie]

Music production and soccer, as Ive said. I try to follow my heart. My passion.

Yeah, what an analogy. It feel so much better to be bald :gay:

 

[superfrankie]

Yeah, music can be powerful when it comes to women but Im not a guitar guy. Im working with digital audio workstations. Uplifting trance is my thing you know.

Yeah, you told me about him. He clearly didnt let his hair loss affect his career. Thumbs up for him!

Acutally Im a Swede.

 

[superfrankie]

Its a beautiful city, especially in the summer. I live there myself. But its also a very shallow place. Gorgeously looking women everywhere you go.

Im not that into SAAB or Volvo or Ericsson or ABBA. Overhyped bullshit

 

[superfrankie]

Yeah I know that. Its everywhere in the newspapers here.

Complete? Im far from feeling Im a complete person. Ive never felt that. But the difference now is that I value myself more. But Im far from complete. Its gonna take a long long time before that happens.

Hope youre doing good aswell. What are you planing on doing that will make this year better than the last?

 

[End_Game]

A cousin of mine recently shaved his head. By recently i mean 6 months ago. I just saw him new years with his girlfriend, and she is quite good looking. nothing special, but not too far off from what he used to attract. He told me that attracting women is now 10 times harder than it was 2 years ago, but that confidence is key. He has a lot of confidence. I'm honestly not sure how really, because he doesn't look too good with a shaved head but whatever. Good on him. He is only 22.

 

[End_Game]

I must say i agree with a lot of U.C posts, esp from a social point of view. There is something incredibly sick and twisted about a society that not only mocks and stigmatizes baldness(difference), but continues to frown upon any attempt for the bald man to improve his situation. So it's 'bad' to be bald yet it's wrong to do anything about it. You have to accept your fate, even if the outcome is disadvanteous to your own social and emotional well being.

It's just cruel, any way you slice it. No amount of sugar coating can change it. it's just ANOTHER example of human cruelty against difference. It's not vanity at all. that's ridiculous. It cannot be vanity if it leads to social disadvantage. We are always taught to act in our own self interest. In fact, people that don't are viewed upon with great suspicion. Yet when a bald man complains about his situation, he is seen as insecure, vain etc, and worse, a shallow moron worthy of contempt if he tries to fix the problem.

This is a form of both social violence and bullying IMO. It needs to be taken more seriously. it's wrong.

 

[Draco88]

^^I usually find it's the types who are insecure about themselves, and whom harbour a low self esteem that are the first to pick on those who are 'different'.

Like some of you have said, confidence is a big key. I've noticed with some people whom i wouldn't see as that attractive appearance wise (for the record, i don't care about people's physical appearance, i value their morals and personality above all), yet once i see how confident they are, i'm very much attracted to them. I often wonder if this is the case because i lack their type of confidence, so it's a way for me to bathe in it? I'm usually confident myself, so i don't know.

Actually, these past few years i've attracted a good handful of girls from various corners of my life, be it at work, uni, or somewhere else. Thing that sort of had me worried about some of them is that i suspect they were drawn to me initially because of my appearance, and i have been a NW2 for around 2 years so far, so you can tell..(depends how good i can style my hair too)..some of them were great girls too that i would have liked to develop something further with, but seeing how i'm gay, i couldn't. That's another point i'd like to make, i think girls are generally easier to develop a relationship with, judging from my experience. Most gay men are very superficial and unbelievably picky, so if you're straight, take it from me that you have it somewhat easy. I know girls can also be that way, but i've been lead to believe otherwise about some.

 

[GeminiX]

^^I usually find it's the types who are insecure about themselves, and whom harbour a low self esteem that are the first to pick on those who are 'different'.

Like some of you have said, confidence is a big key. I've noticed with some people whom i wouldn't see as that attractive appearance wise (for the record, i don't care about people's physical appearance, i value their morals and personality above all), yet once i see how confident they are, i'm very much attracted to them. I often wonder if this is the case because i lack their type of confidence, so it's a way for me to bathe in it? I'm usually confident myself, so i don't know.

Actually, these past few years i've attracted a good handful of girls from various corners of my life, be it at work, uni, or somewhere else. Thing that sort of had me worried about some of them is that i suspect they were drawn to me initially because of my appearance, and i have been a NW2 for around 2 years so far, so you can tell..(depends how good i can style my hair too)..some of them were great girls too that i would have liked to develop something further with, but seeing how i'm gay, i couldn't. That's another point i'd like to make, i think girls are generally easier to develop a relationship with, judging from my experience. Most gay men are very superficial and unbelievably picky, so if you're straight, take it from me that you have it somewhat easy. I know girls can also be that way, but i've been lead to believe otherwise about some.

So much truth right here

Your first point can be witnessed repeatedly in this very forum. Those who complain the loudest about society and other people are very often the exact same ones who will be using derogatory or insulting language when discussing others.

 

[Boondock]

Your first point can be witnessed repeatedly in this very forum. Those who complain the loudest about society and other people are very often the exact same ones who will be using derogatory or insulting language when discussing others.

Bang on the money, Geminix. :agree: