The Frequent "official" Origin Of My Recent Failures With Women

[EvilLocks]

It seems that I already did without even knowing lol

The closest to a D I'm getting these days is listening to my neighbor have sex at 2 in the morning But I'm not complaining, since it's voluntary celibate. By the way, the older dude came back like you predicted And of course I rejected him

 

[Afro_Vacancy]

I had two disappointments with women today.

The first was with the woman I met last Wednesday. She texted me last night to apologize for taking so long to get back to me, and to let me know that she's been doing some thinking and she's too busy to start a relationship. Of course she is.

The second is with a woman I met several months back who told me she wanted to be friends. At the time I told her, women always say that and never mean it. She got really defensive and agitated, she said her word is very valuable, she only says she things she means, etc. I said ok sure I'll trust you then. She texted me one week later and never since. I would text her once every two or three weeks to say hello, she'd tell me she was busy and that was it. I texted her two weeks ago and no response.

So today, in a moment of indulgent capriciousness, I told her that I had been mistaken in ever trusting her, and that she had just declined to ever meet as I originally suspected. She got really defensive and said that she's been dealing with multiple car accidents, suicidal thoughts, she didn't have time for her actual boyfriend, depression, and that she needed brain surgery. She said she did value me. I told her she never once said as much as "hello", she said that was because of her depression and health problems. She said that it wasn't fair of me to assume instead of ask. I said that I had asked but she had stopped responding. She told me that was no longer interested in knowing me.

I have flashbacks to this woman from a few months ago. She had phone chatted with me for like 6 or 7 hours over the phone and was discussing plans with me to travel to New York, to Chicago, asking me how many kids I wanted to have, what kind of house I wanted to live in, etc etc etc. The warmth of the conversations turned to cold one day, spontaneously. She canceled a date we had planned because she was very busy, and had a lot going on in her life at that time and didn't think that she could commit to something new. I looked her up on Facebook that night (she had added me as a friend and had liked a few of my posts) and she had a picture of her date that night.

*********

It is of course very difficult, amidst these endless lies, excuses, and frustrations, not to give in to casual misogyny. It's so tempting. The rational awareness that some men are awful to women as well, and the cope that we're all human, keeps me from yielding to hate as Emperor Palpatine wants me to yield to hate.

I realize that trusting people, and trusting a partner, is a core ingredient to a successful relationship, but damn will I ever be able to trust a woman? I've dealt with an endless stream of lies. And some of these women are not even lying, I think they genuinely believe the untrue things they're saying, it's a well-polished jenga pyramid of cope, and if you pull out one piece it doesn't collapse, but somehow reassembles itself into a larger, more defiant, more self-righteous tower.

 

[Afro_Vacancy]

Seems like nobody here likes brunettes then
Oh f***, what am I saying. I'm bald, after all... If I had neon green hair I'd be pretty happy as long as it was full

How would you rate Cara Delevigne?

 

[Afro_Vacancy]

View attachment 56211

A goddess in the face, can't judge her body though.

 

[CaptainForehead]

I think they genuinely believe the untrue things they're saying, it's a well-polished jenga pyramid of cope, and if you pull out one piece it doesn't collapse, but somehow reassembles itself into a larger, more defiant, more self-righteous tower.

Godamn f*** I wish I could write sentences like that!

PS: Sorry about the women.

 

[CaptainForehead]

A goddess in the face, can't judge her body though.

 

[Afro_Vacancy]

Godamn f*** I wish I could write sentences like that!

PS: Sorry about the women.

You've got to work on it man.

 

[Afro_Vacancy]

This is a well verbalized statement. Women are fickle - i have never given them the satisfaction of calling/texting more than twice with no response. I will go months without talking to a girl and all of a sudden she will call me out of the blue and ask me why i haven't called her. Women claim men are always playing games but in reality i think women enjoy these little games more than men. I think they just love to see men crawl and then decide they are not worthy because they are too needy. It's a very fine balance.

Yeah sort of.

I recognise (rationally) that I disgrace myself by giving them the satisfaction of letting them know that they've disappointed and hurt me. But they have and I just feel f*****g powerless about it, I get frustrated simmering in my anger, culminating in this rather ugly indignation.

I feel like lashing out is gross. On the other hand my therapist told me that repressing my anger, I think she might have said that I'm ashamed of my anger and thus I try and repress it, this leads to my anger coming out tangentially (as it has to come out) which is even worse.

It is easier to ignore women, and to forget about them, if there are numerous other women available. After dates I sometimes manage my feelings by trying to get more matches, I hope that it can reduce excitement for that one particular girl if I talk to others. Greater supply means lower value as per economics 101. I try to prevent myself from being attached to one woman as I know that they'll use that early attachment as a justification to discard me.

There's another difference between us in that I doubt any of these women are going to contact me in a few months, and I'll point out that many don't contact me ever again, in fact they usually don't. Most women I just never contact again, and I've never had any of those women contact me spontaneously afterwards. You are, based on the evidence at hand, a much better catch than I am, you are a 6'5 metabolically-supercharged beast of a man who poisons other men into baldness for stealing packages, who cooks Italian food, who knows how to photoshop dogs, etc etc etc so for many women to see you is to crave you. You write that you're not a good-looking man anymore, but I always translate that as you're not as good looking as you used to be.

I agree, women enjoy these mind games, they enjoy being surrounded by a thick mist of cope. I'm envious on some level, I can't afford to indulge in fantasy, I have to stick to brutal reality otherwise I'll end up with nothing. I might end up with nothing reality. Women in their 20s and 30s are largely romantically privileged, in spite of being in that thick mist of cope, many will still find themselves to a destination involving a satisfactory partner and kids. If they fail, it will never be their fault, they'll never feel shame or regret*, it will be the fault of all the men they met. They don't feel the pain that I feel, knowing that it's largely my own failings causing my disappointments on the dating market.

*Exception, my aunt, in her late 70s, told me that it was a mistake of hers to never have children.

 

[hairblues]

This is a well verbalized statement. Women are fickle - i have never given them the satisfaction of calling/texting more than twice with no response. I will go months without talking to a girl and all of a sudden she will call me out of the blue and ask me why i haven't called her. Women claim men are always playing games but in reality i think women enjoy these little games more than men. I think they just love to see men crawl and then decide they are not worthy because they are too needy. It's a very fine balance.

I do actually feel bad/sorry for him since he is trying hard but lets be real they were not fickle they were not interested (feeling my inner @WhitePolarBear )
I mean it sucks they were not more upfront in a polite manner and they wasted his time but this was his choice as well to go out with these women.
One girl mentioned that she could not tell he was attracted to her--that is a major problem.
the other girl, the friendship thing--that just sounded like a contest between the two of them or their egos more than an organic real friendship that sometimes do just spring up when you meet people. Rarely with a random person you are dating.( i may be misunderstanding the situation but that is what it reads as)
Why would he want to be friends with her? it sounded like to simply prove her wrong? I mean thats not really a friend to me. And she sounds like an awkward person that she could not simply tell him she was not interested.

 

[yetti]

Yeah sort of.

I recognise (rationally) that I disgrace myself by giving them the satisfaction of letting them know that they've disappointed and hurt me. But they have and I just feel f*****g powerless about it, I get frustrated simmering in my anger, culminating in this rather ugly indignation.

I feel like lashing out is gross. On the other hand my therapist told me that repressing my anger, I think she might have said that I'm ashamed of my anger and thus I try and repress it, this leads to my anger coming out tangentially (as it has to come out) which is even worse.

It is easier to ignore women, and to forget about them, if there are numerous other women available. After dates I sometimes manage my feelings by trying to get more matches, I hope that it can reduce excitement for that one particular girl if I talk to others. Greater supply means lower value as per economics 101. I try to prevent myself from being attached to one woman as I know that they'll use that early attachment as a justification to discard me.

There's another difference between us in that I doubt any of these women are going to contact me in a few months, and I'll point out that many don't contact me ever again, in fact they usually don't. Most women I just never contact again, and I've never had any of those women contact me spontaneously afterwards. You are, based on the evidence at hand, a much better catch than I am, you are a 6'5 metabolically-supercharged beast of a man who poisons other men into baldness for stealing packages, who cooks Italian food, who knows how to photoshop dogs, etc etc etc so for many women to see you is to crave you. You write that you're not a good-looking man anymore, but I always translate that as you're not as good looking as you used to be.

I agree, women enjoy these mind games, they enjoy being surrounded by a thick mist of cope. I'm envious on some level, I can't afford to indulge in fantasy, I have to stick to brutal reality otherwise I'll end up with nothing. I might end up with nothing reality. Women in their 20s and 30s are largely romantically privileged, in spite of being in that thick mist of cope, many will still find themselves to a destination involving a satisfactory partner and kids. If they fail, it will never be their fault, they'll never feel shame or regret*, it will be the fault of all the men they met. They don't feel the pain that I feel, knowing that it's largely my own failings causing my disappointments on the dating market.

*Exception, my aunt, in her late 70s, told me that it was a mistake of hers to never have children.

I hope you don't get too discouraged. I wouldn't get too cynical about the opposite sex. You know... pretty much every relationship ends badly until you get to the one that works. Someone likes someone more than the other, someone cheats, someone lies, etc. It's usually a sad or bitter mess. But to eventually find your lifetime partner, you keep trying and looking. I suspect that when you do, you won't have to overthink it too much ("After dates I sometimes manage my feelings by trying to get more matches, I hope that it can reduce excitement for that one particular girl if I talk to others"), it'll work for both of you and be obviously a good thing earlier rather than later.

 

[hairblues]

Having said that, never grovel. Women don't want nice guys; they f*****g hate nice guys because nice guys make them be the jerk that breaks it off. At the end of the day, I think what women fear the most is having to break it off with a guy, so i think they'd almost prefer to date the guy who doesn't seem to give a sh*t because then they are not left doing the dirty work of ending the relationship. I'm simplifying it of course but i do believe women prefer men who are aloof to sweet/caring men because of this.

We do like nice men
we dont like needy men who grovel.
We can smell desperation.
Its weak.
Nice is not weak nice is polite and shows interest in us.
but not enough to where we feel claustrophobic and the truth is if you go out with us once or twice and we are into you there is not guess work.

 

[hairblues]

Yes, you can often tell whether a relationship has legs just by the body language. Actually you can just tell without even saying anything. When it clicks, and that is a thing, you just know it. It's the eye contact, the body language, the voice the mannerisms, even the chemistry - it's this sophisticated mechanism that both men and women have that signifies a 100% match. I have only truthfully ever experienced a 100% match with a woman and it was with someone i would not have expected - but the chemistry was off the charts and you could tell it was mutual within seconds of us meeting. It was like we had known each other all our lives and were just catching up.

What happened with her?

 

[Afro_Vacancy]

I hope you don't get too discouraged. I wouldn't get too cynical about the opposite sex. You know... pretty much every relationship ends badly until you get to the one that works. Someone likes someone more than the other, someone cheats, someone lies, etc. It's usually a sad or bitter mess. But to eventually find your lifetime partner, you keep trying and looking. I suspect that when you do, you won't have to overthink it too much ("After dates I sometimes manage my feelings by trying to get more matches, I hope that it can reduce excitement for that one particular girl if I talk to others"), it'll work for both of you and be obviously a good thing earlier rather than later.

The one relationship I've had ended sort of badly but not really. We just agreed to move on and we stayed casual friends for a while though after a few years we drifted apart. I actually messaged her today, I learned from FB that she's pregnant with her second child. And prior to it ending, we had a good run. I remember one of my friends bumping into me the day of the date, a few hours before, she laughed at me and told me that I looked so happy.

 

[yetti]

The one relationship I've had ended sort of badly but not really. We just agreed to move on and we stayed casual friends for a while though after a few years we drifted apart. I actually messaged her today, I learned from FB that she's pregnant with her second child. And prior to it ending, we had a good run. I remember one of my friends bumping into me the day of the date, a few hours before, she laughed at me and told me that I looked so happy.

That sounds like a good resolution!
Anyway, they all end until they don't. Keep trying and trying.
The truth is, based on what I can tell from your posts, is that you are a real mensch. So for whatever its worth I suspect that you would have a good chance for happiness with a nice girl who is looking for a mensch. They are out there for sure, though maybe not using apps, I don't know.
There is a hell of a lot of frustration and anger in these forums. I see this "I agree, women enjoy these mind games, they enjoy being surrounded by a thick mist of cope." and I wonder if it's the influence of the forums talking, and if that's counterproductive...

 

[CaptainForehead]

You've got to work on it man.

How do you recommend I go about it?
How did you make the jump from dry business writing to writing which moves?

You are, based on the evidence at hand, a much better catch than I am, you are a 6'5 metabolically-supercharged beast of a man

Macaroni is 6'5?!
f***.

 

[pjhair]

I would have even took it very badly if I were you and t
old her that I was not interested in her personnality only her body and since she did not want to have sex, it was just better to live it there LOL.

 

[Rudiger]

Very well written post @Afro_Vacancy ! I am sorry because you are trying so much... I don't know how it goes when you are with a woman, it is a bit difficult to juge only from one perspective, but I believe you are wright and those girls might even be fooling themselves into their lies. On another hand, can we blame people for doing that? Is it better to always state the harsh truth? The seond one should definitely not have asked you to stay friend if she had really no intention to be. It is like a consolation prize. I would have even took it very badly if I were you and t
old her that I was not interested in her personnality only her body and since she did not want to have sex, it was just better to live it there LOL.

If it can be to any consolation to you, the only guy I have had a date with in like a year (he is the one I showed you pics of on fb who was on the same private group as me) xas very nice to me and then, the next day, purely and simply ghosted me. It could have had something to do with the harassment story, since his fb profil was involved and all that made me a bit nervous, but nevertheless, how rude is that?

This earth is just full of miserable creatures and we have to look for the rare gems, but in the meantime read more (quality) books and cultivate our own garden.

Cmon it's pretty obvious what someone says when you barely know them and they "just want to be friends". And what happens if she meets a new guy?

"Oh that's just my friend texting again that I met on tinder".

I respect David's efforts but this was clearly a pointless pursuit, that was only going to frustrate him further.

 

[Rudiger]

I agree with you, that is why I said she did not had to even say/propose that. But sometimes, people get along and it can be genuine... I don't see the point about the new guy? Is this a problem if a girl get male texting her?

That's like the American culture and Id say many other cultures (including UK and Ireland) where its clearly just a "nice" let down, rather than simply saying "I don't feel anything for you romantically" which sounds over the top harsh but is there really many other options?

Any American knows what this means (and I thought people generally but clearly you're thinking she's literally looking to keep him as a valued friend) but even so, if she's not getting back to you repeatedly then maybe that's a good sign to leave it.

If anyone in the dating world thinks that's really harsh, then good f*****g luck preparing for the minefields that can be actual relationships!

 

[karankaran]

@Wolf Pack

Please ban me.

The sick and demented ASSHOLES on this forum were celebrating their vile homophobia in another thread and you did nothing. When I called them out for it, they grouped together and started treating me as an out caste. I lashed out at one of them in frustration since I am outnumbered here. and now they have ganged up to dislike my posts as a punishment for standing up against them.

There was a time when the word 'phaggot' or 'f*****' led to immediate ban. What happened? Freedom of speech eh?

I came here in 2013 when crackpots where selling violet machines and pushing pseudo scientific gibberish to hijack this forum. They used to call every proven treatment poison. I helped fight them along with some members who are no longer here.

Perhaps I should have taken their lead. I am doing it now. Better late than never.

I know I will be bullied once again, so I will not bother coming back to see replies to this post. This forum helped me cope with my depression concerning hair loss. But all good things come to an end I guess.

I am going to miss afro_vacancy the most.

Goodbye!

 

[Rudiger]

If you read my post you will see that is not what I am saying. I am saying, yes it is hypocritical but can we blame them? Is it better to tell the harsh truth? So I think likely to you.

Secondly, I think David understood well it was only a nice let down, that is why he said "you know it is not true, you don't really want us to stay friend" or something like that. On that I desagree with him. I think he could have just took it for what it was and live it there, but maybe the multiplication of those "nice" let down led him to tell her she was fool of sh*t (more nicely than that). And then, she is the one who said "No, no, I really mean it and want to stay friend", and that is where she is wrong!

Personnaly, as far as being rejected is a thing to be expected, I still take pretty badly rejection, and I think it is normal. I would most certainly have said "No, I don't want to stay friend" only to put the person at unease, but that's it, I am not going to be desappointed over people for something like that. It is just natural to say a nice thing when you reject someone, and it is also natural to take it a bit badly.
So, yes I think it was maybe somehow provocative of him, but she really should not have said "I promise, I want to stay friends" either.
Morality: D. needs to invest less emotionnally in those dates and girls need to stop making excuses. Just say, I did not felt chemistry, that's it. Not even say you are sorry, there is nothing to be sorry about, as dating does not mean liking.

Ah I understand now.

A lot of people are very afraid of hurting others feelings and will go to great lengths to keep the lie going. If they had the ability to step back they'd see the kindest approach is probably honesty or "tough love" but they'd rather continue the gentle let down and hope he moves on from boredom.

The fact she went to that extent to then promise and reassure him, that to me doesn't make it a "bad action" as the intentions were good, she probably didn't expect the persistence to carry on. I actually kinda felt sorry for her when I read it, she could be a very nervous non-confrontational person, didn't expect to be called out on a lie, and she might've been even a bit concerned this guy wouldn't let it go.

And it's also a pretty pointless act, at best it taught her not to let a guy down gently again? But only a nutcase wouldn't take the hint anyway and leave her alone, it's unlikely she'd get such a reaction. It hasn't really done anything, for anybody, except wasted both David and hers time, frustrated him further and left her feeling uncomfortable.

I don't really like to know girls that are nervous like this but they're out there. I think female friends of mine definitely would've done what you said or even as far as a blunt "ok I was lying now f*** off".

But as far as a new girlfriend still texting some dude she met once on tinder? I would find that weird in a few ways, and not just being protective of her. Who really stays friends with someone they met once on a tinder date? It's just odd. And on the protective side, did she kinda like him but for some reason it couldn't happen, maybe something came up and he's not available, and now her options are being kept open? I know that might sound insecure or paranoid, but this thought mainly comes from trying to make sense of the former reason- remaining friends with a practical stranger you met on a one off date is really strange to me.