The woman I met this week did write back to me, to say that doesn't think that we have the connection that she's looking for. Enough f*****g disappointment from f*****g women, I'm taking a break. I've had 11, 12 dates this year or so, the ones that I wanted to meet again didn't want to meet me and vice versa. My threshold for success are the obese girls and the women older than me. I've removed my stagnant matches from bumble and tinder, I might log on again but not for a while.
In hindsight the date argued with me on a bunch of things, I'm not sure if I should have argued back, I didn't. Arguing back makes me look argumentative, not arguing makes me look like a doormat, but probably it doesn't matter as the fact she kept contradicting me on stuff means she wasn't interested so my behaviour is ultimately irrelevant. For example I knew she liked to travel to Asia, so a few minutes into her date I mention that Japan is the Asian country I most want to see. She says "of course, it's the most modern, most western" which is a really baseless and condescending assumption. I asked her about her dating experiences, at first she said she didn't want to come off as a b**ch and then I got her to open up. She says she sees a lot of medical residents, she likes the idea of being with a doctor but they're too busy with work, she doesn't want to wait six years for company, which is what her mother tells her to do. She also said that some of them are not as smart as one would expect. She says she never sees Attendings on the dating apps, which means that by the end of medical school the residents find partners in spite of always being busy.
What it comes down to, with this few-months dating experience, on the plus side, i did get experience and i did know that at least obese women will be interested in me, as they have no other options. I saw a bit of the range in women's behaviour which is mostly due to whether or not they're attracted, and not their intrinsic personality. I did get to see different restaurants and movies too, and also Lego Batman. I'm in my 30s now, so colleagues at work rarely want to go out as they go home to their families after work.
On the downside, it actually does affect my ego to be so rigidly rejected, so consistently, so I need a break. I'm no longer as confident in other aspects of life. In general, people say "have more confidence", but it's not a switch one can just dial up or down. I'm cognizant of my successes and failures. Confidence will go up if I have successes and go down if I have failures. When people think they're attracted to confidence, there's a bit of truth, but mostly they're attracted to the person who is so awesome that they know success very well.
I have other things I could be doing. I'd like to do more research for a while, and start volounteering more, and cooking more, and exercising more. It will improve my temperament. It's also an issue that this obsession with looks and dating is vain and personality-destroying. Good looking people find love effortlessly, so they can focus on interesting things that matter like watching movies, travelling, their careers, etc.
In terms of looks, I'm almost done losing weight and can finally buy clothes soon, my modest regrowth is maintaining, I've started invisalign, and I've started exercising after a post-surgery break. I'm also on a course of antibiotics to get rid of acne on my upper back and shoulders, not something women care about but it bothers me and the use of f*****g creams is a distraction and changes what clothes I can wear. Surgical options include LASIK, hair transplant, and a rhinoplasty, but the cost is prohibitive as I need a financial savings buffer given my lack of a safety net, and it's hard to know what effect these will have. I am at the point of worrying that the benefit will be minimal.
anyway not sure why 1997?
